What Comes Out When Life Gets Hard

Last night was one of those I hate and dread. A kid puking in the middle of the night. Not the nice, tidy make-it-to-the-bowl type pukes, although I hate those too, but the kind that makes hours of work when all I want to do is sleep.

Another Sunday morning of plans shot down by the unexpected. As I stood surveying the mess, trying to think with my half-asleep brain, trying to come up with a plan of attack to just get clean-up done while everything about the situation made me just want to gag, I thought, "Maybe God just really doesn't want me in church." Seems like lately everything gets in the way of me going. Sick kids. Emotional battles. Hating what I have to wear. Just wanting to have the quiet house to myself. I want to worship. God deserves my worship. ... But I have to talk myself into it.

Is that really what He wants?

I'm usually pretty good responding to the kids when they're sick. But last night, I was frustrated, and it showed. I had to say to him, "Mom's really NOT mad at you, just frustrated and tired. This is NOT your fault." I hate having to say that. In my mind I was grumbling ... trying to go all those places that I don't allow myself to go when I'm frustrated or discouraged or overwhelmed.

And then in a flash, my programming kicked in. I've been working hard to see God's sweet gifts around me. "Should we accept only good things from the Lord, and not bad?" (Job 2:10)

"Lord, help me to see Your blessings in this moment," I whispered.

• When I was young, even hearing a kid throwing up would have sent me running from the room, now I'm cleaning it up without even a gag. Thank You, Lord.
• I've been trying to fit in cleaning the bathroom floor really well, now I have to. Thank You, Lord.
• None of the kittens got thrown up on. Thank You, Lord.

Seeing the blessings - the gifts - in the moment came easy, as I listed one thing after another.

• Now I have time to listen to the Jonah sermons online that I've missed during the last month. Thank You, Lord.
• I have cleaning gloves, and I almost never buy gloves! Thank You, Lord!

I have been through some really dark, difficult places in life, and as I look back, I realize they were the places my training kicked in the most. It's easy to forget God's presence and control when things are good, and easy, and going as planned. When we are thrust into those places we don't want to be, or don't know how to handle, those are the places we are forced to draw on what we believe are true. It's that way, whether I'm cleaning up after a sick child or watching my world fall apart after my husband announces he's leaving. It's true when my car is out of gas and I'm out of money or when I find my dad dead in his bed. What I've fed into my mind, heart, and habits comes out in the moments I need it most.

It's also true that the more consistent I am in training my heart and mind to look for God in every moment, the quicker I go to that when I need to. How often I've stumbled on the realization that my heart was gloomy and discouraged only to realize I've been trying to fill it with things that don't satisfy. Or that I've woken up singing praises because I've consistently been listening to praises. And when a kid throws up on the bathroom floor, it is natural to look for the blessings when I've been practicing looking for blessings every day the last five months. Healthy spiritual practices make for quick and healthy habits when we need them.

I hope the Lord was honored by my worship today. It wasn't done by singing hymns and assembling with other believers. Instead it was drawing close to his heart in the middle of necessary work and service to my child. It was in focusing my mind on Him in the middle of the fallen circumstances of my life. It was real and flowing out of my need even though there was no one else around to see it.

I think that's what worship really is.

No Matter How, Just Count Them!

Still on my soapbox of counting blessings--those grace gifts all around us that come down from our Father of Lights, in whom there is no variation or shifting shadow! Why count?

Because it adjusts our focus to what God IS doing, instead of what He isn't.
Because it reminds us of how much we have, even when we don't have much.
Because it makes you smile.
Because it changes our hearts from the inside, to the outside.
Because it brings strength, peace, and hope.
Because it's portable.
Because it trains us to see all that we don't usually see.
Because it looks for purpose in the difficult and the mundane.
Because it allows us to glimpse all of our gifts, not just the big ones.
Because everyone has gifts to count.
Because it ushers in the BIG miracles!

One comment I've heard is from people who are afraid they can't sound eloquent ... poetic ... musical. But can you count? Counting is personal ... flexible ... as creative or factual as you need it to be. Count in a way that you are comfortable with! Ideas of ways to count:

• a list
• photgraphs
• video snippets
• music lyrics
• scripture
• quotations
• drawings
• cartoons
• journalling
• scrapbooking
• sharpie tatoos
• audio recording
• a mix CD
• sound effects
• slide show
• poster
• glass markers
• chalkboard
• paper crafts
• any combination of the above or of unlimited other ways!

So what are you waiting for? It's only the end of January .... And it's really never too late to start counting!

To Know Is Not Enough

We know how to look.

We must learn how to see.

We know how to hear.

We must learn how to listen.

We know how to touch.

We must learn how to feel.

We know how to taste.

We must learn how to savor.

We know how to think.

We must learn how to reason.

We know how to talk.

We must learn how to converse.

We know how to do.

We must learn how to serve.

We know how to say thank you.

We must learn how to be grateful.

"Now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is."  1 John 3:2 (NIV)

More glimpses of grace gifts:

#144 the pace of a well-prepared day

#145 the chatter of an 11-year-old as we make cookies together

#146 the hourly rescue: my Bible, 1000 Gifts, my journal, my list

#147 scratching pencils and tapping keys of children working on assignments

#148 cheese bubbling on fries

#149 Josh walking in the door early because game-club was cancelled

#150 soft whoosh and cool breezes of a fan

#151 teaching about the sun using a globe

#152 teaching school stretched across my bed

#153 getting the icing for the sugar cookies perfectly stiff

#154 remnants of the hole in the backyard under the swingset - and years of outdoor adventures that created it

#155 tender-hearted boys who quickly jump in to help their mom with the aching back

#156 breakfast made for me and brought to my room

#157 all three of us working quietly on our own things, but together.

#158 starting the day laughing together at funny street performers on YouTube

#159 dirt on the floor reminding me of new boots, a back yard, and outside play.

#160 rain clouds moving across the sky on cooler weather

#161 the unlocking and turning of the front door knob

#162 the thousands of things Stephen says that make me laugh!

#163 a sense of complete peace - I had almost forgotten this feeling.

#164 sushi and comfortable conversation

... and on and on they come!

The Power in Just Saying Thank You

I am currently reading One Thousand Gifts: a Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are by Ann Voskamp. When I chose the books, I liked the idea of the title, but I completely missed the subtitle. “A dare to live fully right where you are ….”

A dare? To live fully? Do I not live fully? Is it something I really need to be challenged to do? My life certainly feels full: full of activity, full of noise, full of living … and full of dares.

I live in a house full of dares. With three boys all vying to claim the rights to be king of the moment, dares are etched into every comment, every declaration. Every word said, every action done, every choice made is done with at least some attention to what the brothers see and think. It used to drive me crazy … OK, more crazy … but I’ve since realized that it is wired in the nature of men to live life on a dare.
The word “dare” means to have the necessary courage or boldness for something. Does it really take courage to live fully? How else does one live?

Something in my spirit stirs. Is that what is missing?

I must confess, I have been asking myself this question for a number of years now, I just didn’t realize it was the question I was asking. Year after year I have fought against feelings of brokenness and failure, waking every morning to fend off the sense that I was drowning in my own life. I’ve been haunted by childhood dreams of what life should be like for me, nightmares echoed in my observations of the lives of so many women around me.

Shouldn’t I be the one driving the newest car? Shouldn’t I kiss my charming husband goodbye each day, and greet him with dinner on the table as he comes home? Wasn’t I supposed to have the typical middle class life that my mother modeled for me? Why did God impress on me so early how important a job it is to be a husband helper, child builder, and home maker … if … if He was just going to make that … impossible?

I’m not happy here … in my life. And yet, as I watch so many women who have the life I planned … the life I wanted … they aren’t happy either. How do I live this life—the life God has given me fully? How do I live it at all?

Most days, I feel like life is happening to me. It sweeps me along like a current and I can’t manage it. I barely keep my head above it. I try to school the kids, try to wash clothes and prepare meals, try to pay the bills. I’m trying to please the kids, trying to please my employer, trying to please the homeowners’ association … and I just feel like … like I never can.

I can’t even please myself. “Alone! You’re all alone!” “No one will ever love you like this!” “If so-and-so really knew how you are doing this, they’d take your kids away!.” The serpent’s lies hissssss in my head! I grumble and cry and again and again doubt God’s love for me and His plans for my life.

There. I said it. The source of my fear, my ache, my sorrow is my discontentment and the root of my discontentment is my lack of trust in God. How do you reverse distrust? How do you eliminate discontentment?

Is it really simple? As simple as the opposite? As simple as saying thank you? I start a list. A simple, childlike list of things I’m grateful for. I call them gifts, because they are gifts … from the One who loves me more than I can imagine. Can a full life really be found from simply opening your eyes to the fullness of life you've already been given? Is that really all I have to do - to see and say thank you?

I’m still writing them down, gaining momentum as I train my eyes to see more and more of the gifts around me. I didn’t even know they were there. And as I write them, I feel … blessed. Blessed to have my life. To have my gifts. Blessed to be me.

More gifts to mention:
#68 scones ready to go in the oven in the morning
#69 words to write … coming again after being dry
#70 no real desire to watch TV or play games tonight
#71 actually looking ahead to the next day before going to bed
#72 insomnia transformed into breakfast, lunch, the start of a grocery list, and 1/4 of the surface of the table
#73 unanimous agreement to open our home to someone in need
#74 a few hours of sleep in the early morning that got me through the day
#75 opportunity to encourage a friend
#76 adventure at the surplus/thrift/junk store
#77 the sun playing peek-a-boo through the clouds
#78 time to work on Saturday presentation
#79 sheets and pillows that smell like the sweet outdoors
#80 cooling air outside
#81 waking up in the way-too-early AM and being aware of the call to enter the suffering and loss of dear friends through prayer
#82 two human-children bed warmers snuggling next to me on a very cold night
#83 kitty therapy – our gray kitty babies in the regular kitten room where we can freely play with them
#84 new books in the mail
#85 the opportunity to encourage new homeschooling families
#86 the overwhelmed single mama who needed my counsel on homeschooling
#87 Robyn’s joint custody ruling
#88 Carrie, and her love and encouragement
#89 reminders again and again that when I feel hopeless there is always YOU. YOU are right there. YOU are enough!
#90 conversation about a job
#91 the way my covenant family and worship encouraged my heart today
#92 ease and speed in preparing my Journey lesson
#93 a glimpse of how Jesus is transforming me into a peacemaker
#94 being with Journey girls after more than a month long break!
#95 really yummy spaghetti that was easy to make
#96 the influence of boys like Neal and Reed on my little boys
#97 kitchen is cleaned and caught up!!!
#98 breakfast in the crockpot this morning
#99 finding fleas instead of worrying about mites
#100 getting to revisit memories from Beauty and the Beast (with Helen)
#101 catching up on Bible reading with FREE Internet audio Bible
#102 letting Josh spend a whole day with his girl
#103 better information and motivation at the sleep doctor today
#104 a great, productive family meeting
#105 a unique awareness of my dependence upon God because I’m single
#106 remembering that He who owns the cattle on a thousand hills secure my debts
#107 early to bed
#108 Bible time with the boys – talking about scripture and praying together
#109 wrestling through the awkwardness of being different … and realizing how different Jesus really makes me.
#110 being loved enough to be treated like a Princess for a night
#111 the feast of the senses that is musical theater: lights, color, music, dance, story, song….
#112 soft fur and rumbly purrs
#113 real world learning because we took time to be in the real world
#114 red-brown hair, a freckled nose, and socks in bed
#115 a clean, quiet closet to pray and study
#116 a second mama whom I love as much as the first one
#117 acoustic strumming of lovely tunes
#118 Alex … at Robyn’s house … for a whole weekend
#119 unexpected drive time that compels me to talk to Beloved
#120 Andrew learning lessons the hard way
#121 something ugly-beautiful: rows of stark, naked trees along the river
#122 bright sun, no clouds, on a canoe trip day for boys
#123 sounds of two very large boys wrestling on my bed
#124 memories of three little boys wrestling on the same bed (but it was bigger then) and snuggling up—all four of us—for the night
#125 reminders of the incredible men of God whose teaching I have been privileged to sit under during my lifetime
#126 something wrinkled: the sweet faces of my mama, grandmas, and great-grandma, who all remind me to embrace my trials and keep pressing on
#127 one grace smoothed: my path (Luke 3:5)
#128 one grace unfolded: the over-abundance of clothing we are blessed to have
three gifts found in Christ:
#129 Romans 3:24 freedom from the penalty of my sins
#130 Phillipians 4:6-7 peace that comes through prayer and prais
#131 1 Corinthians 12 unity with one covenant-secured body of believers
#132 a grace in the weather: enjoying 70 degree temperatures in January
#133 one gift that made me laugh: my very silly Stephen
#134 one thing I shared: a favorite book by a favorite author with Andrew
#135 a growing up conversation with a bashful son, who answers honestly anyway
#136 breaking cry of our red-shouldered hawk that we’ve been missing for a couple months
#137 watching Gracie enjoy her freedom after convalescing with a hurt paw for two days
#138 Oatmeal-orange-chocolate-strawberry-banana-crunchy sugar-all warm from the oven and ready to eat
#140 online audio Bible to help me catch up on my backlogged Bible reading … again
#141 sweet friends’ gifts of a blender, a computer monitor, citrus fruit, and a ride for a stranded kid
#142 the still-wonderful laptop my teenager is learning Spanish with
#143 the warming love of my sister who wanted us to have a new computer
… and more gifts to count and to come!

Spiritual Check Up

Well, 10 days into the new year, and I'm still with my resolution to read my Bible every day and to keep my list of 1000 gifts. As with most things once the novelty wore off (around day 3!), and it became hard. Yesterday I had a major breakdown when it took me hours (literally!) to read my several chapters of Genesis. After pondering what my problem was I realized that when I read scripture, I rarely just read it. My brain is interacting--asking questions, imagining the real lives of the cast, noticing relationships and patterns. Because of this, my inclination is to study it using commentaries, word studies, and making charts and lists. Often the resources I'm using don't answer my questions, and I have to search the Internet to see if I can find some answers. I want to read through my Bible in a year, but I want to study it for myself too!

Once I realized what my hangup was, I called a friend for advice on how to handle it. Her first question to me: What is your purpose for reading through the Bible? Well ... DUH! I realized that I need to be very clear on what I'm doing, so for now, I'm just reading and making some notes, and I'll just keep doing that until I can pray about it a little more and decide if this whole read-through-in-a-year things is what God wants me to do, or just what I want to do from legalism.

My list of grace gifts is growing so quickly. Several times I've found myself feeling down or frustrated or overwhelmed, and I've just pulled out my Grace journal and reviewed it or added to it. This hasn't been any kind of magic solution to overcoming the emotions of the moment, but it does change my focus and has restored much of my peace. It's odd too, that sometimes I hold myself back from counting things that I deem "little" or "silly." I realized that on Christmas day my kids love what is in their stockings as well as their "big gifts," so it's OK for me to be grateful for the fun little things God does because He knows that only I will love them!

Here are the things, silly or not, that I've added to my list:

#41 "Mom, getting on Pinterest is one of the best things you've done!" [because I'm actually making recipes and doing things from it]
#42 Helen
#43 Christmas money to spend from a family member
#44 encouragement from a sister in Christ
#45 watching Andrew soften to correction and teaching through the course of an afternoon
#46 everyone waking up without a fight
#47 enjoying worship with our Praise team at church--twice!
#48 being reunited with friends who've been away from our church
#49 seeing a young man who grew up as a "hero" to my boys, and meeting his wife
#50 realizing how much I was enjoying Sunday worship (Thanksgiving makes all the difference!)
#51 Hearing Andrew say, "TEN DOLLARS?!?!?" [as the offering plate was passed by us]
#52 having Matthias over and hearingthe boys enjoying time together
#53 OREO TRUFFLES!!!
#54 returning to God's Word late at night (remembering to return is HUGE!!!)
#55 great, trusted, "Duh!" advice from Eva
#56 a photo I loved and time to play with it
#57 time alone with Josh to talk
#58 opportunity to let a single mom friend board here
#59 the stirring of my BIG DREAM
#60 dinner with Helen's family
#61 a CPAP hose on hand to replace a broken one
#62 sunlight after a rainy morning
#63 grown up conversations with my almost-grown-up son
#64 finally getting school on track -- sorta
#65 spiritual conversations with a friend who trusts me
#66 ice cream with Stephen -- and great conversation!
#67 two hours with the younger boys gone so I'm alone enough to think and write and read

.... and the gifts continue!

Taking the Joy Dare!

I have struggled for some years now with depression. Too many losses, the hardships of life, brokenness from sin, compounding health issues, loneliness--a recipe for depression. Through it all, I have seen with unusual spiritual clarity that the refuge for my emotions, my sanity, my spirit can only be found in the Lord. There have been moments when it was so clear I could almost touch it--the only way to lose weight, master my money, guide my children, figure out how to handle the next bill is to cling to the Lord and seek His help. I lose the clarity quickly, overcome by the wind and the waves around me ... distracted from my Lord. I often tell my kids that if they can't remember too many things of which I set a good example for them, I hope at least they remember that I was always willing to try again and to start over when I was going the wrong way or was trying to do something I felt called to do.

This year, I'm trying to change my year ... my choices ... myself ... by changing my focus. I'm convinced that overcoming depression, anxiety, fear, and so on occurs by cultivating gratitude. So I'm taking the Joy Dare. I'm daily recording the things I see around me that God is giving me. I've started counting my gifts--gifts I get every day, almost hourly ... or moment by moment. They are gifts of graces, given to me by my Father. I am counting to a thousand--my Thousand Gifts--and beyond. In my first week, this is the start of my list:

1. a NEW year filled with hope
2. enjoying worship together with all three of my boys
3. favorite old movies filled with memories and emotions
4. hearing God's voice in sermons and scripture
5. a beautiful, warm, sunny first day of the year
6. an afternoon nap
7. a kitty sleeping on the bed next to me
8. new beginnings
9. a second visit with Jackie and Gracie
10. changes in Grace--she's growing up!
11. recognition of returning to the ruts in my life.
12. first coffee of the year with Carrie
13. a camera to borrow
14. holding a warm, purring kitty (obviously not ours!)
15. Stephen waking me to "put me to bed."
16. a warm, safe house on a cold night
17. being trusted with the trials of people I love.
18. Smooth sheets and soft warm blankets
19. a turkey feast with my kids!
20. listening to the boys playing PS3 together and laughing
21. LEFTOVERS!!! (Means I don't have to cook!)
22. an 11-year-old who can make breakfast!
23. glimpses of character growth in Josh
24. remembering to pray with Andrew
25. a lazy day AND
26. forced return to the routine and to work
27. my brown eyes that look for the best in things
28. my affectionate, sensitive, very physical body language
29. a completely and totally God-given ability to look into scripture and see connections, relationships, and applications
30. a NEW attempt to read through my Bible in 2012, with NEW expectations of success
31. excitement, anticipation, appreciation in the boys eyes as I try again to make food from scratch regularly
32. spiritual growth in a young man's beliefs after having to let go so he could find his own path to His Father
33. the privilede of praying for friends in the middle of trials
34. a friend who finally received a successful heart transplant
35. a kid who loves being outside riding his bike  
36. electricity and water paid up!
37. Caramel Banana Pie
38. the change purse Papa brought me from Nepal ... where the Gospel is so needed.
39. groceries!
40. encouragement and hope from the Gospel that is never far from my thoughts

...and counting!

If you'd like to join me, try starting with the January Joy Dare, in addition to other things that the Lord shows you throughout the day.

Life Without Limits

It is easy to dream about what life would be without limits. The older boys and I watched a movie last night about a man who found a drug to open the limitations of his mind so he would be Limitless. I’ve been pondering the possibilities of this for months, since the movie trailer came out. I was curious to see where it would go. What would it be like to have no limits on how we used our brains? What could we accomplish? Wouldn’t it be a great thing?

Hissssssss . . . I hear the snake. You can be like God! Although that’s what he’s saying, I know that what he means is that I can be God!

Of course imagining life without limits is nothing new. Although the movie applies this freedom to intelligence, we’ve been imagining the limitless life for as long as we’ve faced limits. Lamech boasted to his ancient peoples of the vengeance that would be visited upon anyone who harmed him. Hercules, possessing god-like strength, defied the Greek gods and attained a place on Olympus for himself. Superman walked around Metropolis as Clark Kent by day and as the hero by night.

The problem with our imaginations of limitlessness is that we dream of limitlessness with virtue. Even when Eddie Morra makes a stupid choice to take an unknown pill, to enlist the financial aid of a bookie, to lie, steal, kill to maintain his power, we are convinced it is out of necessity. But we are corrupt. We are from birth battling sin natures fully capable of the most heinous evils ever perpetuated. A limitless life in virtue would be a grand thing indeed, but what would it be like if Nero, Hitler, Saddam Hussein had been without limits? And how quickly would our baser, idolatrous, sinful natures take over were we given abilities without limits?

“Then the LORD God said, "Look, the human beings have become like us, knowing both good and evil. What if they reach out, take fruit from the tree of life, and eat it? Then they will live forever!" Genesis 3:22 (NLT)

We view limits as a curse—as something holding us back from all we can be. Is it actually a blessing not to live in sin without limitations?

What I Would Have Said

Last year our church began a new tradition of having a Thanksgiving service the Sunday evening before Thanksgiving.  We come together and sing and there are open mics for those who want to share what God has done for them during that year.  I am always humbled as I hear more stories of healing and of faithfulness through continued sickness, of restored marriages, of the provision of jobs. I love hearing kids who are grateful for families, schools, and friends--I was one of those not long ago (OK. Longer than  I care to admit.), and it is an amazing testimony to realize extremes in God's protection of you as a child. I am usually a pretty outgoing soul, and I love my share of the spotlight, but I have not been eager to get up on these couple of occasions. It's not that I'm not grateful, because God has done so many things for me, big and small. I'm just not sure what to say. How can I get up and share in only a few minutes the vast number of things that God has done for me in the course of a year.Tonight I was trying to form my thoughts, but for me it's so much easier to write it. 

I grew up in a large gregarious extended family. Every holiday or birthday I was surrounded with aunts, uncles, and cousins. I had a very close-knit neighborhood, where the kids banded together and created adventures, the grown-ups had regular yard sales, and we were in and out of each others' homes and lives constantly.  Even my church was a tight group--my parents were always going to another couple's home or having kids from a family in the church to spend the night.  My family was pretty close to ideal--including sit-down meals, yearly vacations, PTA meetings, and parent sponsored parties. Life was safe and comfortable and full of relationships. It isn't surprising that I married into the same kind of family. My husband's immediate family was full of brokenness, but his extended family relationships were very similar to mine--loud, busy, loving, and involved with each other. I felt completely at home with them.  It was my every intention to raise my kids just the same way, in the middle of their very large, very busy, very relational family.

God's plan for them and for me was different.  Over the years, my big extended family grew and changed, and some estrangements and grudges weakened the involvement with each other.  He took my mother home to heaven just after my first son was born.  Later He took my husband from our home when we divorced, and with it some of the family I loved. Not long after that my sister moved to the far away northern United States, and my dad was also called home to heaven. Suddenly I was left feeling very alone, an orphan AND a widow. I struggled for years with depression and anxiety, and as a result health issues plagued me. I couldn't sleep well, and over time my ability to think and focus weakened. I had severe bouts of loneliness as the many-times-over promised new husband never appeared on my doorstep.  All along I wondered why after years I was still hurting so, whether God would ever heal my aching heart, and who would take care of me when I couldn't.

But let the godly rejoice. Let them be glad in God's presence. Let them be filled with joy.  Sing praises to God and to his name! Sing loud praises to him who rides the clouds. His name is the LORD-- rejoice in his presence!  Father to the fatherless, defender of widows-- this is God, whose dwelling is holy. God places the lonely in families; he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy. But for rebels, there is only famine and distress.  Psalm 68:3-6

The truth is, God prepared my life for these dark years even before I entered them.  He had peppered it with older women who mentored me and loved me along the way, and they quickly stepped in at different points to offer their unique gifts of prayer, hospitality, comfort, counsel, and many others.  God brought a special young woman into my life--a young mother who piqued my curiosity even before we were friends--who consistently spoke truth into my life and loved me even when I was more than a little unlovable. He gave me a mother-in-law and father-in-law who would so grow in their love for Him that they would let their own son go the way he wanted and refuse to desert me just because he didn't want me any longer. He almost literally surrounded me with families who repeatedly have said to me that they love me, they believe in me and in the choices I've been making (even when some have been foolish!), and that they will respond to God's leading when He chooses to provide for me through them.  He's given me prayer warriors, counselors, moms with shoulders for crying on, and brothers in Christ who correct my female notions of how to raise boys. Many of these individuals and families have not stuck with me for a few months, or even a couple years, they have been with me all along, and continue to declare their love for me over and over again. They stick by me because we are joint heirs in a covenant sealed with Christ's blood, and I have found it is a covenant thicker than water, and even more than the usual blood.

It is still not unusual for me to still struggle with bouts of self-pity as I succumb to the loneliness and hugeness of being a single mom, but it is rare for me to get lost in it for long.  God is still busy on my behalf, raising up women and couples and families who love me and my boys like we are their own family, because they understand that we are . . . for eternity.  So if I could have shared what I am thankful for this year, it would have been that even though my story didn't end with the magical marriage reconciliation, or a new husband who treasures me, it still ended with the miracle of family--the kind God sets the lonely in, and the kind that bears with you in love. It is the kind of family that makes me long for heaven, when I will enjoy family at its fullest and best!

Getting My Dream Vacation

For so many years, our family vacations were to places like Disney World or Sea World. Entertaining our kids was the priority. But for about five years now, I have longed for a REAL vacation--a vacation that was as much for me as for the kids. We came close last year when the grandparents took us all to Chatanooga, and we stayed in a cabin there, but there was still touring the local sights, at a bit of a clip. There was lots of time for playing games, enjoying the mountains around us, and even watching movies together, but it was still pretty exhausting. This year, the grandparents and my sister Mary came down to us, and we vacationed at the beach. A friend let us use a beach condo, and it has truly been relaxing, and refreshing. I came with certain goals, and I must admit, I didn't fulfill them all. I really wanted to spend lots of time quiet and alone with God, but I'm having a hard time breaking out of my sinful rut of letting other things take His place. I guess I've begun to realize that time and place won't cure that. I'm just going to have to arrange my schedule to make Him first place.

But some of my goals--playing with the boys on the beach, taking a long moonlit stroll on the beach, getting up before dawn to watch the sunrise--these I've done. We have watched lots of TV together, the only thing I wish we have done less of, but it has been fun anyway. During the week while my parents and sister were here there was so much freedom for us all--Grandpa would take all the kids swimming, or Aunt Mary and I would take them down to the beach, or they'd go off with Nana and Grandpa for a while. I loved not having the plan meals or cook (Nana and Mary seem to enjoy cooking. Go figure! I was content cleaning up!) On Friday when they left to return home, the boys and I were so down, and it was hard being without them.

Yesterday, the two younger boys and I went down to the beach for the whole afternoon. We built a huge sandcastle, bathed in the ocean, buried each of the boys in the sand, and laughed and played together. It was such great fun! Today we drove down to Washington Oaks State Park and went to a rockiy shell beach. We added to our huge collection of shells, Stephen and I took photographs of the rocky beach, and we played in the water on a beach that was very different from the one we've enjoyed the week on this week. I have been amazed at how much creativity I have seen in God's creation this week--a thousand different colored shells, gentle waves, followed by rough, harsh waves, totally different skies from day to day, and so many ways to enjoy being outside in the sun and surf.

I guess I am touched that God would give me this vacation. I couldn't afford it, but God worked out the financial end. I certainly don't feel like I deserve it. I have loved it, and hate to go back to "real life," and all the decisions awaiting me there. But I feel rested and ready to work again. Hopefully all the beauty and nature around me will continue to inspire me for a while longer.

I LOVE Homeschooling!

Things I love about a new year of homeschooling:

• Snuggling together to pray and read the Bible. (OK. The teenager doesn't snuggle.)
• The boys begging for their treat bags on the first day of school.
• Eating breakfast together and TALKING!
• Realizing I just got to be irritated at the nine-year-old because I had to tell him the two billionth time to sit down and do his math test. (Instead of being irritated at some stranger for bugging me!)
• Hearing them read to me, and knowing I taught them to do that!
• Racing from downstairs to upstairs and back again to help with problems and answer questions.
• Doing my laundry and dishes while I work!
• Hearing "what's for lunch?" and "is it lunch time yet?"
• Stephen's jokes, Andrew's advice, and Josh's sarcastic comments.
• Seeing checked off assignment sheets.
• Grading math papers and realizing they've got it!
• Hearing the comment, "C.S. Lewis was an amazing writer!"
• Seeing the whole room stop to watch the cat try to steal beef jerky.
• Laughing, giggling, playing, eating, getting mad, hugging, telling jokes, learning . . . and doing it all together!
• Knowing we got through another day of school.

Hey! The Brain is Working Again!

So someone mentioned to me today that I haven't been blogging lately. Hmmm . . . I thought I was. Oh wait! Once every three months doesn't really count, does it? So I'm back (for today anyway). Actually it has been hard for me to get anything done lately. For more than a year my brain had gotten progressively foggy. I would spend every day trying to stay awake and do school. I had no energy for anything, and was sleepy all the time. Gradually, I've lost all my interest in anything that required any effort, and the house and schedule (among other things) have run down into chaos. Seriously, for at least a year now I've felt I was barely keeping it together. Struggling financially ended me up on the doorstep of our church's Mercy Ministry office, and I began to receive some counsel from the director there. One of the things she had me do was change doctors. After reviewing my history, complaints and current medications, she changed my meds, has had some new testing done, and made some other recommendations. Low and behold, just changing the meds alone has helped me find my energy, not feel like I'm going to fall over asleep all day, and I'm actually feeling like getting things done, and now I'm blogging!!! Hooray! God is moving me forward again!

So this weekend was a delightful and blessed first for me. For a long time I have felt a desire to speak publicly about homeschooling, with a special interest in encouraging single moms and parents facing impossible odds to receive God's call and homeschool even when the possiblity of doing so looks bleak. This past year I began working at our local area homeschool library, and made some connections with the people in leadership of the HERI organization. Eventually I found myself volunteering to teach a "How to Homeschool" class (which I do all the time anyway for people considering it!), and so they asked me to give the seminar at the BIG convention this weekend. So yesterday, I found myself in front of about 50 new and somewhat anxious homeschoolers, walking them through the maze of choices and decisions they would be facing in the coming months as they began their own homeschool adventure. Oddly enough, I never got nervous, never felt uneasy, and I loved it!!! I had several people share that they were encouraged (Thank you, Lord!!!), and hopefully many more were blessed with information they wanted, and encouragement they needed even more. (Sheesh, if I can homeschool, almost ANYONE can!) Best of all . . . I unexpectedly got a $$$ thank you from HERI! (But of course, I spent it at the Convention.)

Even more unexpectedly, I asked some questions and got a lead on an area of curriculum development in which there is NOTHING. It's something I've already started writing and teaching, so I just have to dedicate time to developing it further and have to do some research to find out about the process of preparing curriculum for publishing and getting it published. Who knows, perhaps by next summer I'll be teaching a Vendor class!! Cool, huh? All this challenge to consider writing curriculum at a time when I'm getting a little desperate for some paying work has stimulated my desire to write at all, so I'm taking a look at some other projects I had started and will be forging ahead on some of them as well. Of course, by the time some of you read this, my ADD will be in full-force, and I will have forgotten my drive to write and will be back in my rut and not blogging again. But one can hope that won't happen, right?

So now I'm off to bounce from project to project. Wow. I really need a writing schedule and some goals, don't I?

A Mother's Day Confession

Given to me by my Beloved, to remind me of His purpose in making me a mother.

My children take all that I give

Demanding more
Complaining
I give a little of myself
A little more but never all
Demand respect
For little

You gave Your all

Your only Son
Your very image
All in All
All You had

I take . . . I leave

I look elsewhere
Chasing idols . . . other things
Discontent with Your best . . .
With You . . .

My children forget my special days

Mine! I say
My worth . . . my value lessened
Diminished by their neglect
I cry--tears of self-pity

You give more . . . love more

Wooing, compelling, offering
Never demeaning or threatening
Through saddened heart
By my neglect
Your value, worth NEVER lessened
By the back of my head

In love, You gave me children

So often my heart's delight
My future hope
My life, my work, my purpose
Your gift to comfort me in love
Elevated to Your place

Yet using them, expose me

Reflecting You
Reflecting me
Pain in what I see
O Lord, the way I treat You!
More than the way that they treat me!

Let them resume their place

Forgive me! Consume me with You!

copyright 2009, Lisa A. Baker

New Christmas Blessings

Wow! Did we ever make Christmas memories this year! I was especially blessed to have my beloved parents-in-love (from here on out to be known and Mom and Dad--I think my parents would agree to sharing the titles!) come down and stay with the boys and I for Christmas. Not having much family to share the holidays with, I casually mentioned to them that I thought it would be fun to spend Christmas together this year. They JUMPED on the idea, and made plans lickety split, so here they were for a week. We had fun shopping and eating together, watching movies until our eyes bulged. AJ and Lilly played together until they argued like siblings. Papa and Josh were pretty much joined at the hip, and Josh is thoroughly corrupted politically now! But it was fun! I'm still recovering from the fun!

End of Quarter Grades

I almost forgot to mention that last week, Josh got his first-ever "report card." (Except the kind Mom gave him when he was little!) He made all A's except for one B in Pre-Algebra (a subject he insists no one should have to learn!). Now, I know that it sounds like I'm bragging about grades, but I'm not. You see, I'm NOT an educational legalist. The current school grading system is only valuable to me in so much as a teacher with 15, 20 or 35 students needs to be able to communicate how a student is doing in her class. I stressed to Josh that most of all I wanted him to learn and to do his best. That is what excites me.

To receive his report card we had to have a conference with the teacher. She just gushed about Josh. I had so many questions going in . . . questions about character, about his relationships to others. And in her comments many of those questions were answered. Josh loves to ask questions and learn more . . . even beyond what is expected. He often knows the answers, but doesn't try to answer every question. He works well with other kids and is an encourager. He doesn't often lose his temper and when he does it is more out of frustration because of his own inabilities and weaknesses. He is a strong leader (well, duh!). He is very logical and communicates well (he was awesome in a class debate they had!).

None of this really surprised me, it's just that doing this parenting thing mostly alone, it was good to hear from someone more or less unbiased. It was especially good to hear in front of the other parents. (Pray for me! Thier "part" in the whole school thing has been hard to bear.)

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed now at where to go in the coming few years. The "others" are pressuring to have him in public school in a accelerated program, but me . . . I tend to like a more gentle approach with less pressure. Not that I'll let that kid get away with doing little or nothing, I just like the idea of him having a more relaxed schedule at home. If I can ONLY find a way to keep him busy socially (without killing myself!). Anyway, lots of decisions to be made. Lots of things to consider.

For now, I'm crazy about this boy! And oh, so proud of him. Even when he picks on his brother or does a lazy kitchen-clean-up job.

The Big Kid Gets Bigger

My dearest boy,

Who are you? Who is this young man standing before me each day--no longer a boy, yet not quite a man? Some days I hardly feel like I know you. Your awareness of the world around you is so mature--political humor, fascination with all things entertaining, a social schedule, responsibility. I'm in awe of your thoughtfulness, amused by your humor, grateful for your strength, and annoyed by your independence. You're not my baby, not even my little boy. When did that happen? Can it really have been FOURTEEN years?

My concerns for you grow with each passing year. Will you walk with the Lord faithfully, or will you abandon Him? Will you have to learn lessons the hard way by suffering the pain of poor choices, or will you be an obedient leader who enjoys the blessings of that life? Will you love your family, especially your wife, or will the weaknesses and absences in your upbringing show through there? I am more and more aware of how little time I have left to teach you, train you, counsel you, and guide you. The weight of this realization presses down on me.

Not that it is all bad. You have your faults, and most days drive me nuts, but I do so enjoy you! You are fun, and funny. You are opinionated, and I love to debate issues with you now. You show so much wisdom one moment, and act like a foolish young man (which you are entitled to do!) the next. I love it that you talk to me. You tell me when you are mad, when you are irritated, you can tell me you love me even when your anger is justified. You are sensitive to my feelings (sometimes). You are in some ways protective of me, although it is my prayer that you know you are not fully responsible for me.



Another thing that has been fun is to see your unique interests develop. You love music, especially fast music, but it has to have a melody. You love drama and acting. You love being with friends, even if they want to do something you don't exactly love doing (you camped at the beach for a friend you really like!).

I worry about you son, because I am your mom. I have invested so much in you, and I love you so very much. At the same time, you are a great kid. You can work very hard, and do a great job at whatever you take on.

I hope you know how treasured you are. I hope you have a wonderful day today.

Happy birthday.
Love, Mom

Vacation

The boys and I have spent the last week in the N.Ga. mountains with Nana and Grandpa. We stayed in a cabin in Cloudland Canyon State Park, and we had such a great time. We did some of the touristy things-visited Rock City and Ruby Falls, went to the Chattanooga Aquarium and the Zoo. But mostly we just rested and played together. We played games. Mom and I planned school for next year. It was just plain fun. All three of the boys raved about it, so I'm raving too. As with all vacations, the only problem with it was that it was too short!

More details later.

Stephen on a climbing wall at the TOP of Lookout Mountain.

A teenager daydreaming as he watches the fish.

AJ and Lilly found a snail and watched it crawl along for the longest time.

Kings (and queen) of the mountain!

Grandpa Andy (Papa) and the kids petting fish at the aquarium.

Papa, We LOVE You!

Papa came down last weekend and while he was here to see his dad, he stayed with us for a night. It was so good to be with him. He takes such good care of us (Nana too!). He is counting down the days until our vacation near Chatanooga when he gets to be with ALL of his kids!

The boys and "Papa" or "Grandpa Andy" to us.

While he was here, Andrew had his Daycamp closing program, so Papa went with us. I think he had a lot of fun reminiscing about his days as a scout. AJ was thrilled to have someone besides Mom taking pride in his activities. Notice how DIRTY that shirt is. I've washed it and it still doesn't look clean!

Life Lessons

One of the things I love about living life is the occasional peek it gives me into the divine. I have often pondered the relationship between faith and works. It almost boggles my mind sometimes to try to tease apart the motivation for works--that they shouldn't come from obligation or an attempt to earn God's love or favor, but out of love for Him and a desire to do what He delights in. Still . . . everything I know, the way the world I live in is so driven by what I do and what I earn . . . it is so hard to live without a works motivation.

This week I had just a peek into what pleases God. My best friend has been sick all week, but it steadily progressed until Thursday the decision was made that she just had to go to the doctor. She has six children, so doctors visits and the like have to be carefully planned and orchestrated, but there she was needing to go and needing to do it that very day. She knows I'm here for her, so she called and asked if I could take the kids for the afternoon. As we talked on the phone, it became afternoon and evening, because she hadn't slept much all week and I knew she needed time to rest. Then by the time she dropped them off, I had pretty much decided they should just stay the night, since both she and her husband really did need a good night's sleep. It was a decision I never even considered a burden. Her kids are so much fun, and I love them. I love her. And she and her husband have done so much for me that I wanted to do something for them.

It wasn't about paying them back. I didn't feel I owed it to them, nor did I feel I needed to earn a few favors for the next time I need help. It wasn't about obligation at all. My heart just wanted to do it. I trust them and love them, and I wanted them to have a tangible reminder of my love. Suddenly I realized that this is exactly the motivation God wants for my works. At great cost to Himself, He gave me salvation and reconciled me to Himself asking nothing on my part. My works should be done out of love for Him, with a desire that He see that love. No paybacks. No guilt or obligation. Just love. A relationship where we both desire to delight each other for no other reason than to delight each other.

Cool.

To My Precious Blonde Boy

Stephen,

I continue to feel badly that your birthday gets lost in the end-of-year shuffle every year. I'm thankful that we homeschool since having all three of you in school with activities and such would really make it hard to celebrate. I certainly have enough reasons to rejoice over the day you were born! You are such a delight to me. I love talking to you and seeing the energy and excitement on your face when you tell me something. I can hardly resist your creativity and your imagination. I hope that the way I celebrate having you every day helps make up a little for the way I tend to lose track of your special day each year. At least this year you didn't have to wait until December to have your birthday!



Ah, Stephen! Looking at old pictures of you brings back so many memories. You were such a fun baby and little boy! We never knew what new thing you would become, you dressed up so much. You were always surprising us with your mood too, and even now you can go from storm clouds to sunshine or the other way in a flash.

I feel sorry sometimes that you have inheirited some of my worst traits, but on the other hand, they come with so many wonderful strengths. You are a loyal friend, and it astounds me how long you and Matthias have been best buds. You are very sensitive to the feelings other people have, and you try to comfort them. You are always creating, lost in your own imaginary world.


One thing that amazes me is how you have changed. You used to be so bothered by little things--the texture of foods, sand on your feet, being hungry or tired. Now you tend to roll with the flow more. Of course, when you become emotional, it is hard to get you to calm down and think it through, but fortunately you can also be gracious and forgiving, and you like to be at peace with those around you.





You are still such a tough guy. You have always been the stereotypical boy--loving cars, balls, and "manly" things. You still love to be flying down the street on your bike or skateboard, and you are pretty daring. I think you have enough scars now that your modeling career is pretty much trashed, but you told me today (when you cut your head) that you'd rather have scars than stitches.




It's kind of funny watching you begin to grow into your own person. Lately you have developed a love for camera work, especially video and animation. You are quite a good artist, and you love to draw. You have decided you want to grow your hair out, which I have agreed to let you do.
You can't stand being cooped up all day inside, and you need to move frequently.


Stephen I love you so much. I'm so grateful that God chose to make me your mom. You might be the middle child, but your value and worth are certainly not less because of that. Please know that I love you and that I am eagerly awaiting to see how God continues to mold and shape you.

Happy birthday, kiddo.

Love, Mom

To My "Baby" Boy:

Andrew,

You aren't a baby anymore. Still, sometimes I am so glad that you occasionally delight in things appropriate for your age. You still love Webkinz and Build-a-Bear. You are still content to play with the little superhero figures that look cute. And I realized tonight that Monopoly is your favorite game. Your jokes are still silly, and your conversation when your brothers aren't around is delightfully immature, and I'm relieved. It's just that you have no idea how much older than you your brothers really are, and you try so hard, so often to be like them. I don't want you to lose these years of being a little boy.

I can't believe all you are doing. Someone told me today how much they enjoyed hearing you talk about the work we are doing each day at the church. You were telling her how hard you have to work, and how fast. It always amazes me how when it's just you and me, you manage to get it done even more quickly, and to do Stephen's jobs too! Of course, it frustrates you that I don't give you as many choices in jobs as your brothers, but I suppose you really can't understand that you are just not as reliable in vacuuming and cleaning bathrooms yet. This year you have learned to add big numbers, read unusual words, ride your bike, take care of your dog, count your allowance and determine if you have enough for a purchase, and so much more! Your favorite place is outside in the back yard, or your bedroom listening to "Hank, the Cowdog" or "Junie B. Jones" stories. It tickles me that your favorite fictional characters: Junie B., Hank, Curious George, and Fudge, are all just like you!

I've worried about you this year. I especially worried about your reading. When you were evaluated last year, the teacher placed you a year behind in reading and suggested I hold you back. That seemed silly to me since we were homeschooling, so I started investigating what might be preventing you from learning better. You have been diagnosed with ADHD and the Physician's Assistant also detected some potential auditory processing problems. In spite of all that, you have progressed in reading, and although you are still slow, you are able to read real books now, as well as food labels, signs, magazine covers, and lots more things I don't really want you to read! You love to be read to, but I'm afraid I don't do it enough. I have tried to pick out some "classic" kids books that I think you would like--Charlotte's Web, Mr. Popper's Penguins, various classic picture books, and others, and you have enjoyed them all. Right now we are reading The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.

Your friendships still tend to be with your brothers' friends. I have tried to encourage you to play with other boys your own age, but you aren't that interested. Not that you don't enjoy time with boys your age, you just don't yearn for it or consider it often. I figure in time, God will bring into your life a special friend mostly your own.

One of my favorite things about you is your very tender heart. You love people--really love people. You easily see their needs and are quick to pray for them or devise a way to help them. One of the hardest things to teach you has been to wait and ask if you can help, because often your "help" doesn't take into consideration the potential complications it brings to the "helpee." Nevertheless, you have a real gift for ministry, and I love that you are so tender to people.

It is hard to believe you are eight today. You have grown so much. I was watching you sleep last night and thinking how long your legs are. When did they get like that? If Stephen doesn't go through a growth spurt soon, I'm afraid you will catch him in size! Oh, my sweet boy! It is such a privelege to be your mom and to teach you so much. I can't imagine life without you and am grateful for every long day of listening to you chatter on about your interests! I love you so much. I hope you had a wonderful birthday, and I can't wait to see what God is going to do with you this year.

Mom