The 4 Minute Mothering Habit

Again, I'm reminded, and I wonder: When will I be over it? When will I forget? When will my scarlet D be removed? Again I tell myself: Never. It is a part of who I am - a part of the story that God has written into my life, and God never uses erasers on our story. I am divorced. I don't have a husband or a marriage. For now, that's not a part of the adventure God has written for me. 

It's not that I envy others who experience wonderful marriages ... that I would ever want to take the joys and struggles of marriage away from someone else .... I just grieve again and again for all those dreams and plans of which I have had to let go. Again ... and again.

I go through all this emotion while reading a favorite blog ... Not that it's unusual for me to experience a lot of emotion when I read Ann's blog, but I don't like these emotions ... don't like revisiting them.

But what she shares is truth ... a key to strengthening relationship ... advice for enhancing koinonia. She asks Who doesn’t want a deeper relationship? and I remember "Bloom where you're planted."

I may not have a husband to try these methods with, but I have relationships. And although they may require some very different things from the marriage relationship, they still need some of the same things too. So I take her advice, and consider what it should look like with my boys, and how these 4 Minute Marriage Habits can be transformed to 4 Minute Mothering Habits:



1. Four Focuses
Four times a day focus on the promises I've made to God in raising these boys to manhood. When they wake in the morning, leave the front door, return to front door, head off to bed - even with my young men, these are the four critical archways of time in our day. Touch or whisper encouragements at these gate points, reminding them that they are my treasures. No matter what has transpired through the day, I should take these four opportunities to remind them that no matter what has happened or what will happen, I want them and am here cheering for them.

2. Four Touches
Four times a day, intentionally touch them. Hug them and look in their eyes. Rub their back. Hold their hands a minute. Kiss their hair. Intentionally repeat it four times daily. Connection requires contact. Even though my boys are at different stages of acceptance of public displays of affection, they all still need to be touched. I need to look for private moments to remind them that we are connected and that they are very much loved.

3. Four Affirmations
Four times during the day, thank them. For diligently completing schoolwork, for being kind to their brother, for giving me a hug, for taking out the trash. Look for the ways to thank each of them. Recognize the strength in their character and compliment it ... but be prepared to give them a specific example or two of how they demonstrate such qualities.

It has been a long time since I thought of this, but when the boys were little, I had simple goals. One of them was that each boy, when asked "Who is mommy's favorite?" would say, "Me." I want each boy to feel so special to me, that it is easy for him to believe he is my favorite. I still want that today, but that goal gets lost among the goals of finishing schoolwork on time (or at all!), and getting everyone to the places he needs to be, and remembering in between all the taking-care-of to make sure I get a shower and eat and read my Bible! The 4 Minute Mothering Habits can go a long way to making each of the boys feel special, treasured, favored.

As I consider these habits, I suddenly realize the biggest way that these 4 Minute Mothering Habits differ from those in Marriage: I am only doing these for them until I surrender these habits to their new wives. And after all, that is one of the biggest reasons I want to mother them well - because I want them to be loving husbands and fathers who know how to love and to be loved.

So I guess it is all about marriage after all. And I do play a very big part in this loveliest of relationships!

Wrestling with Divorce . . . Again and Again

There are terrible things that happen in life that leave us forever marked--scarred by sin and slightly more aware of our complete dependence upon God. Divorce is definitely one of those things. My journey through it was awful . . . and eye-opening . . . and a source of many lessons and of incredible wisdom that I find myself using now to encourage others. It seems as if lately there is a spike in the threat of divorce against married friends of mine, and I find myself drowning again in the messiness and heartbreak of it.
Much of what I have been taught about divorce is based on several passages in scripture. It seemed so clear to me when I was younger and even pretty clear when I went through my own separation and divorce. But after a decade of listening to stories from others, of seeing complicated situations, and aching with dear friends over decisions they didn't want to have to make but were forced into, I've learned so much more about applying God's Word to such a messy choice.
I don't want to confuse anyone. I DO believe that God's Word is to be taken literally. I believe that it is the supreme and final source of guidance in any situation because 2 Timothy 3:16 says it is. I think I've just come to realize that as sin compounds and collides with the sins of others, often the clean application of God's Word doesn't seem as easy as it does in simpler circumstances.

I do believe that God never wants divorce--that it is a very last resource to be used carefully by believers in very specific circumstances. However, I also believe that while man looks on the outward appearance, God looks at the heart. I have heard stories of people who divorced under "biblical allowances," and at that particular time it was clear from the way they expressed themselves and pursued it that divorce was not being used for the purpose that I believe God has given us laws--to draw us closer to Him and to reconcile relationships between sinners. I also wrestle with some of the specifics of the few New Testament passages that instruct us on divorce. What does it mean for an unbelieving spouse to "leave"--are we talking physically, legally, or relationally? What about a professing "believer" who leaves, initiates divorce and doesn't repent? How do you know he was really a believer? Are marriage and divorce even things that God has given the state the right to regulate, or is there some higher law that He governs? There are just so many things I don't understand.

So I come to it like this. It is my DUTY as a sister in Christ to confront sin that I see, supporting it from scripture. I do that because I know how dangerous sin is--it is a slippery slope straight to hell, and into an abyss of feeling abandoned by God. Willful and continued sin dishonors God and makes His name which we as believes bear a mockery instead of something of wonder and awe. However, because sin is very, very messy . . . because it quickly becomes complicated, and is compounded by the confusion and consequences of tons of sins committed by all of us sinners, all converging upon each of our lives, there are many times it is hard for me to tease apart another person's specific sins from those of others. Only God can see an individual's heart. I have to trust Him to be better than I am at convicting you and drawing you away from what is devastating.

For those put in the difficult place of considering divorce, my counsel would be first of all to pray FERVENTLY about every decision you make. Pray for Him to close the doors and prevent you from doing something if it is not His will. While godly counsel and submission to church leadership is ESSENTIAL, you must also seek and follow the Holy Spirit's leading, being very careful to try to discern your motives. Because separation and divorce are so emotionally and personally charged, move slowly if you can, and be prepared at any time to wait or stop if the Lord so directs you. DON'T worry about the money or risks if you feel like He is slowing you down or stopping you. Just trust Him to provide or to perform a miracle! I can attest that even though there were a few times in my process that I was very unsure about the biblical legality of what I was doing (although my church leaders and wise friends assured me I was justified), eventually the Lord took the whole thing out of my hands and worked it out so I didn't and still don't have to wonder about my role in the process. Finally seek restoration and repentance at all cost. Even if you don't feel like it, even if you don't think it's what you want, pray for what would best reveal Christ in your life and to the world. It is amazing what God can do to repair our emotions even when we think we are past the point of forgiveness and healing.

One image that has kept coming to me as I've wrestled with this was that our God, who DESPISES human sacrifice, commanded one of His own people to sacrifice his son. Abraham obeyed right up until God stopped his hand with the knife in it. Sometimes God asks of us things that don't make sense with what we know about God and His commands, but He wants us to do what is right, so He will not let us go too far if we are sincerely pursuing what He wants and instructs us to do. It is really up to you and God to try to discern your heart's motives and desires, and to bring them into submission to Him. Thankfully, He is a God of grace and mercy, forgiving us of our sin. Although you will see INCREDIBLE things happen if you totally submit to God, even in those things you do not think you can give or do, He will work out His best for your life even if you cling to some of your own will and make some wrong choices.

On Grieving

I'm glad to see the month of September go. It has been one of the hardest months for me since the year after my dad died. September 9th would have been my 20th wedding anniversary. It was a mark I always dreamed of as a little girl. How differently life has turned out than I expected! Strange that although I've been divorced for seven years, it still hurts. I still have many days when I think to myself, when will it stop hurting? The truth is, that it won't stop hurting until I get to heaven.

I don't think I would have understood that a decade ago, in fact, I know I wouldn't have. Our western culture has such strange notions about grieving and loss. Once the customary couple of months are over, it is implied that it is time to start fighting the grief and move on with your life. "Make lemons out of the lemonade." Get on medication for a while until you get over the loss. Take on a hobby or new responsibilities to empower you so you will be able to take charge of your future. In truth, after the first several months you truly start to grieve. The loss becomes less surreal and more real, depression and anxiety become constant enemies, and getting out of bed seems like progress each day. To make things worse, people around you have moved on, and you often feel as if you are left to wrestle with ongoing grief alone. As odd as it is, even though there is a cultural expectation of "bouncing back," we are intuitively aware that the grief goes on. After all, who of us doesn't understand a parent who never recovers from the loss of a child? Who expects a widow to forget her husband? Who would lose an arm or a leg and not expect to always struggle with the feelings of loss and insecurity that such an amputation would create? It puzzles me then why as a people we are so unable to sustain our compassion and assistance to the brokenhearted. As a culture we don't know what to do with death and loss, especially once the funeral is over and life resumes.

From my experience, I suspect that responses are a little different to loss by death and loss by divorce. When I went through my divorce, I felt not only as if I had lost him, but as if I had died. I lost much of my sense of identity. I was no longer "his wife," and I wasn't sure what I was. Although over time I have built new experiences to draw identity from, the part of me that loved being wife, helper, lover, and best friend are still gone, and I miss them like I would miss an amputated arm or leg. Although my heart has toughened in small ways, I still have phantom pains that hit me frequently, and I find myself crying for no reason because I feel alone and rejected, and my "not-so-new life" seems overwhelming and lonely. Until you have been through a devastating loss, this ongoing grief, and the hole left in your soul are hard to understand, and sometimes hard to be compassionate toward.

I've also noticed that ongoing grieving is hard for children. Although children are very resilient, and can withstand a lot of disappointment and grief, an overwhelming loss or a series of losses can leave them wrestling with grief for years, even into their adulthood. The emotions tend to dive below the surface for a while, and the kids look fine, only to resurface later, particularly during adolescence. As much as they might try, a grieving parent is struggling through their own grief, and it is hard for them to help their children through theirs also. I can remember times after my tragedies when I was fighting to get out of bed in the morning and keep my kids fed, clothed and working on schoolwork, much less have conversations to draw out of them how they were feeling. Furthermore, I learned mostly by trial and error how to process and manage my pain; I was at a loss how to guide them through theirs.

That's not to say that ongoing grieving is a completely bad experience. Does that sound odd to say? In the last seven years, I have seen more clearly how evil, heartbreaking, devastating, and miserable our fallen world can be. I have learned to appreciate the complete wasteland that sin can make of a life, and I have come to understand that no one is guaranteed shelter from its effects. I was a "good girl." I made "good choices," was kind to other people, went to school, ate my green beans, and tried to live by my convictions. Yes, I was still with flaws and weaknesses and sins, but I followed the rules, and "life" still ran over me. Or did it? I don't believe that my losses were accidents or without purpose. In addition to the greater understanding of the evil that has corrupted the world, I am more sensitive to people who have been trampled. I'm less likely to say stupid or meaningless things to them, and more likely to find ways to really comfort them. I don't minimize pain, even when it is appears that the pain someone is wrestling with is something I would gladly exchange my pain for. I've discovered that our pain is designed for us, to expose our weaknesses and draw out our strengths.

Most of all, I've come to realize I have true hope within me. Without it, the pain would have overcome me a long time ago. I would have given up trying to get out of bed, or would have been sucked into the illusion that I was "better" by burying my grief in a flurry of activity and self-help mantras. Instead, I've come to realize that the "cure" for the depth and destructiveness of sin is Jesus. I've learned that all of the things that my heart cries out for in grief are the very things He stands waiting to be for me. I've come to know Him as everything I want and need in my life, and honestly, I've come to long to be with Him in heaven even more than I want to stay on this earth. Grieving losses, like being homesick, has made me aware that I don't belong here. Instead I belong to a different place, where all that my heart cries for is available and abundant.

Within the church, we need grieving, broken people. We need to minister to them, and we need them to teach us and remind us of the lessons they are learning. If we as Christians are going to enter the devastation of a fallen, broken world, we must learn from our brokenhearted brothers and sisters how to show compassion to such needs. We need to discover how to make ourselves vulnerable to the hurting, how to enter into their hurt in a way that compromises our own hearts and shares the pain. We need to know how to communicate hope in a winsome way that neither belittles their suffering, nor presents the Gospel as a trite, easy answer or a guarantee that they will not hurt anymore. Those in our midst need us. They need us to call often and ask if they are getting out of bed. They need us to know whether they have family or other support people to remember birthdays and holidays. They need us to love and spend time with their kids, and to take on some of the burden of shepherding their children through grief. Most of all, the world around us needs to see us caring for our wounded in a radically different way than they do. If our love is demonstrated in the way we care for our weakest members, it will be hard for the world to dismiss our Savior. And He will draw us closer to him for having his heart for the wounded.

Movie Review:The Pursuit of Happyness

I loved this film. I wasn’t sure if I would love it at first, but I did. Will Smith plays a father who is determined to be a father to his son. Unfortunately he made a bad investment that is costing him his marriage and dragging him down financially. But instead of running out, he continues to dream about finding “happiness” in doing something he loves and is good at, and in being able to provide security for his family. When the opportunity to intern as a stock broker for Dean Whittier presents itself, he seizes the opportunity to change his life, but you don’t know until the end if it will finally bring him to ruin or turn out to be the answer to his prayers.

In a day when dads are constantly portrayed as unnecessary or bumbling idiots, this film was like a breath of fresh air. Will Smith is tender but tough, troubled but hopeful. Although there are a few objectionable elements, like a few strong words, some very sad images, and mature themes, I let my two oldest boys watch this because I felt it was important for them to see a dad who rejected the failings of his father and determined to be different by putting his family first. I also wanted them to realize that as difficult as things sometimes seem for us, God has been very gentle on us. I want them to have compassion on the plight of others, and movies like this are one way I feel I can expose them to some of the extreme difficulties others face, while still protecting their innocence to some degree. Even though the story could have been very sad and discouraging, Smith’s constant determination, enthusiasm, and the extreme, sacrificial love for his son are inspiring.

I’m an easy target for movies that are able to capture the feelings of being a single parent with all its demands and frustrations, and this movie did an excellent job of that. But I also loved the strong themes of family commitment, of pressing on under humbling circumstances, and of pursuing happiness not in money, but in doing your best and being all God created you to be.

For a more thorough review I would suggest you check out PluggedIn Online.

A Five Year Anniversary

Five years ago, this day started just like any other. I got the boys up, fed them, and we did school or went to co-op since it was a Friday. We had lunch, took naps, played and watched TV. I fixed dinner, gave them baths, then put them to bed. One thing that was a little different, was that I helped Josh pack to go on a Scout camping trip with Gaga, and they left that afternoon. Other than that, it seemed a normal day. I had no idea of the arrow that was about to shatter my life.

My husband didn’t come home that night. It wasn’t unusual for him to be out late, because as a deputy sheriff he often worked overtime, but it was unusual for him to not come home at all. I vaguely remember waking very early in the morning and realizing he wasn’t home. I probably tried to page him and call his cell. I don’t even remember now if I actually talked to him, or worried about his safety the rest of the early morning. He finally came home the next day, and after loving on our two littlest boys, he told me he needed to talk to me.

Strange the things you remember about tragedy. I remember him commenting on the holes in my socks, and telling me I really needed to get some new ones. Then he told me he was moving out. Leaving. He was confused, he said; didn’t know what he wanted; didn’t know if he wanted to be married any longer. His “confusion” went on for a couple of weeks, as I sat confused about where he was during that time, and about what had gone wrong. He had been very distant for about six months, but nothing that indicated a real problem. I had asked him repeatedly if there was anything wrong, but he had said it was just problems at work, and I had no reason to suspect anything else.

The truth was, he had gotten involved with someone else and was moving in with her. No one—his friends, his co-workers, his family—believed it initially when I told them. He “was not the kind of guy who did that.” I remember from that February 16th, and from the weeks after, the tight knot in my stomach that kept me from eating for three solid months (an effective diet, but not one I recommend!). I remember night after night fighting off images of him and her together and crying until I had no more tears to cry. I remember having to keep music running all through the night so I could sleep at all, and then waking up from fitful sleep to cry some more and to fall on the floor and pray. I remember wallowing in the Psalms, crying through them and praying them to God. Life was a fog—I went from one thing to another without any real awareness of what was going on.

I also remember God’s faithfulness. He put so many people in my life—women who called me, listened to me, cried with me. He put very wise pastors in my life to direct my decisions, but who also listened to me and evaluated my choices not based on their own opinions as fathers and husbands and men, but on God’s Word. They gave me the blessing to do some very risky things as I prayed and hoped God would turn my wayward husband around. He gave me a Christian lawyer who helped me understand all the options, and tried to help me protect myself, and preserve my marriage at the same time. I remember nights when God did nothing but whisper to me in the sad darkness, and move in close enough that I could almost feel Him there. I’ve not felt Him like that since. I remember how God helped my father to care for the boys, and how He enabled us to get our school done in spite of my distracted and distraught condition.

I have been through many sad and difficult things. I’ve nearly lost my life and a baby in childbirth. My mother and father both died at different times unexpectedly at home. But the worst thing I have been through was being abandoned . . . cast away . . . by my dear husband. It happened five years ago tomorrow, but the pain and scars are still there today. They are not as visible as they were initially, or in past years, but they still hurt and make life hard. I’m not sure I will ever recover from them, but I’m not sure I want to either.

Going through my separation and divorce changed my life forever. I will never be the same. At times, I am aware that I am searching—that I am on a quest to find that one thing that can relieve the pain and remove the scars. I have never found it, nor will I. But then I have moments of clarity, and I can almost glimpse how God might use this, and I even experience a touch of excitement to see how He will redeem my tears. One of the things I have prayed is that God would never let me forget that experience. As confusing and disappointing and painful as that experience was, I have discovered since then how much more pain and suffering exists in the world than I ever realized. Oh, I knew there were bad things out there, but they always happened to someone else. Little did I know they were happening all around me, to people just like me. I want to be used to relieve a little of the suffering of others. I want God to always keep me aware of the suffering of others, and I always want to have the inconvenience of being called upon to seek ways to help those experiencing it.

Five years ago my life changed forever. And God used it to change me and make me fit for His service.