A Special Twelve Years!

My dearest Stephen,

Have you noticed that lots of great things come in 12's? Eggs come by the dozen. Twelve inches makes a whole foot! There were twelve tribes in Israel, and twelve disciples, so the number twelve was important to God too! This year marked a dozen years I've had with you. Wow! As always, money was tight this time of year--it always is with the end of the school year and beginning to prepare for the next year. Of course, a major difference this year was that we didn't go to the homeschool conference on Memorial Day weekend, so we were home to celebrate your birthday. Only . . . I didn't have any money. It was hard to watch you so excited, when I knew I wouldn't be able to do anything until the day OF your birthday. I couldn't prepare ahead . . . no presents, no cake, no decorations. Even the planning lacked a little as I have struggled to get through the end of the school year, complicated even more by all the events in your brother's year at the Academy. So there I sat on Friday morning after dropping your brother at school. I was trying to figure out how to redeem the day and make you feel as celebrated as my heart feels when I think of how much I love being your mom and having you as my son.

Then it came to me! The idea I proposed to you was quickly negotiated and embraced, and you told me all day long how much you loved it! We went on a shopping spree. I could laugh when I even call it that, since you wanted so little. The first thing we got was a big gift bag to fill up, only there were so few things you wanted, we could have done with a much smaller bag. First we hit Starbuck's and the grocery store to get coffee and donuts, then we went to several stores to find the things you wanted. We headed home for a little while for lunch and so AJ could have his tutoring done. Then we picked Josh up from school and wisked away to watch "Night at the Museum 2." Afterward we went to Cici's for pizza, then home to enjoy playing with your new games and shows. It was a simple day, but you genuinely loved it, which says volumes about who you are. You love simplicity . . . love being home and with family or alone.

The day after your birthday I took you out just the two of us, to a movie ("Wolverine") and to dinner. The day after that we celebrated with a big family party with us and the Borkos, just lots of noise and activity and fun! Matthias spent the night, and then you were completely satisfied with your special day(s). It is easy to see in this what I have long known about you--you are content to have a few very close relationships, and don't really need many of them. You like the "social scene" and have enjoyed the activity and excitement of being with the youth at church, but your preference is to just enjoy the people you love being around.

You've grown so much this year, in size (you now top the scale at over a hundred pounds!) and in skills. Your art work has come such a long way, and you love to spend hours drawing cartoons. You love all things boy! You giggle at explosions (go figure!), and love action movies more than anything. But you are quite the ham, and LOVE LOVE comedy of all sorts--from sitcoms to Garfield cartoons to blonde jokes. You are always cracking me up with some hilarious observation and comment, or with a new cartoon that reflects your ability to get inside the heads of those who draw your favorite comics.

Stephen, I love being your mom so much. You are so full of surprises. You are sensitive, and when I get down, you look for some way to help or encourage, even if it's just in holding my hand. In spite of your insistence, I dread the day that some cute girl takes away my snuggle bug, and I love all the affection you give me still. But I also love the ways you are changing--new conversations we get to have, new kinds of movies we can watch, and lots of new humor.

Happy birthday my dear boy! You are a delight and a joy!

That Boy of Mine is Turning Nine!!!

Funny Andrew:

Nine! I know I must sound like a broken record when I say every year: How has this happened? Where did the year go?

What a year this was! Full of angst and hard work and progress. You're reading! Like a maniac, you're reading. It seemed to click overnight, although I know the truth--you were working hard. You still are, eager to burst into newer, longer, and better books. Meanwhile you read everything: street signs, captions on TV, my emails (well, you try). I have discovered in the last week that I can't even leave birthday gift receipts around, because . . . well, you read them! (Oops!) I'm eager to see you continue to progress and learn to love reading to yourself as much as the rest of us do. Just don't expect me to quit reading aloud to you! I love it too much.

You're so independent now. You do almost everything on your own . . . and some days I hate it. Right now you bug me like crazy to teach you to cook. You can make scrambled eggs and grilled cheese. So now we just have to cover a dinner and a dessert and you won't need me anymore! You love telling and retelling stories. Guess that's in your blood too (both your brothers and I are story-tellers!) You write all kinds of stories, from your own episode of Stargate to narration about the Revolutionary War. Obviously writing assignments are hardly necessary for you. You do it on your own!

At times I wish you would slow down a little. I wish you'd slow down so I could enjoy you. You run at mach 5, and I'm so old and tired I can hardly keep up with you. You are also competing all the time to keep up with brothers three and six years older than you, and it breaks my heart that you are rushing through all the little boy stuff that I enjoyed with them. It frustrates you to no end when I set limits like not letting you watch a show or movie that your brothers do, or not letting you take off in a store like they do. That's OK though. You'll be gone from me soon enough.

It's been a whole new experience to approach this birthday with you. First of all, you've had it marked on your calendar and have been counting the days for weeks! You've pretty much planned everything, from how you will spend your day tomorrow, to what you want to do over the weekend to celebrate, to what you want to eat. I think you already know what presents you are getting (probably because of the whole receipt thing, although I think you sneaked into my closet to peek too). All I've heard all day today is "I'm so excited! XX more hours!" Guess that's what I get for teaching you to tell time and use a calendar.

AJ, I love the boy you are becoming. Yes you drive me nuts. But I love your thoughtfulness, your willingness to apologize when you do something wrong, your willingness to still snuggle with your mommy. It's fun watching you grow into someone new, but I like it that you are still the same old Andrew in many ways too. I hope you have a wonderful day!

Happy Birthday sweet boy! I love you!
Mom

The Big Kid Gets Bigger

My dearest boy,

Who are you? Who is this young man standing before me each day--no longer a boy, yet not quite a man? Some days I hardly feel like I know you. Your awareness of the world around you is so mature--political humor, fascination with all things entertaining, a social schedule, responsibility. I'm in awe of your thoughtfulness, amused by your humor, grateful for your strength, and annoyed by your independence. You're not my baby, not even my little boy. When did that happen? Can it really have been FOURTEEN years?

My concerns for you grow with each passing year. Will you walk with the Lord faithfully, or will you abandon Him? Will you have to learn lessons the hard way by suffering the pain of poor choices, or will you be an obedient leader who enjoys the blessings of that life? Will you love your family, especially your wife, or will the weaknesses and absences in your upbringing show through there? I am more and more aware of how little time I have left to teach you, train you, counsel you, and guide you. The weight of this realization presses down on me.

Not that it is all bad. You have your faults, and most days drive me nuts, but I do so enjoy you! You are fun, and funny. You are opinionated, and I love to debate issues with you now. You show so much wisdom one moment, and act like a foolish young man (which you are entitled to do!) the next. I love it that you talk to me. You tell me when you are mad, when you are irritated, you can tell me you love me even when your anger is justified. You are sensitive to my feelings (sometimes). You are in some ways protective of me, although it is my prayer that you know you are not fully responsible for me.



Another thing that has been fun is to see your unique interests develop. You love music, especially fast music, but it has to have a melody. You love drama and acting. You love being with friends, even if they want to do something you don't exactly love doing (you camped at the beach for a friend you really like!).

I worry about you son, because I am your mom. I have invested so much in you, and I love you so very much. At the same time, you are a great kid. You can work very hard, and do a great job at whatever you take on.

I hope you know how treasured you are. I hope you have a wonderful day today.

Happy birthday.
Love, Mom

To My Precious Blonde Boy

Stephen,

I continue to feel badly that your birthday gets lost in the end-of-year shuffle every year. I'm thankful that we homeschool since having all three of you in school with activities and such would really make it hard to celebrate. I certainly have enough reasons to rejoice over the day you were born! You are such a delight to me. I love talking to you and seeing the energy and excitement on your face when you tell me something. I can hardly resist your creativity and your imagination. I hope that the way I celebrate having you every day helps make up a little for the way I tend to lose track of your special day each year. At least this year you didn't have to wait until December to have your birthday!



Ah, Stephen! Looking at old pictures of you brings back so many memories. You were such a fun baby and little boy! We never knew what new thing you would become, you dressed up so much. You were always surprising us with your mood too, and even now you can go from storm clouds to sunshine or the other way in a flash.

I feel sorry sometimes that you have inheirited some of my worst traits, but on the other hand, they come with so many wonderful strengths. You are a loyal friend, and it astounds me how long you and Matthias have been best buds. You are very sensitive to the feelings other people have, and you try to comfort them. You are always creating, lost in your own imaginary world.


One thing that amazes me is how you have changed. You used to be so bothered by little things--the texture of foods, sand on your feet, being hungry or tired. Now you tend to roll with the flow more. Of course, when you become emotional, it is hard to get you to calm down and think it through, but fortunately you can also be gracious and forgiving, and you like to be at peace with those around you.





You are still such a tough guy. You have always been the stereotypical boy--loving cars, balls, and "manly" things. You still love to be flying down the street on your bike or skateboard, and you are pretty daring. I think you have enough scars now that your modeling career is pretty much trashed, but you told me today (when you cut your head) that you'd rather have scars than stitches.




It's kind of funny watching you begin to grow into your own person. Lately you have developed a love for camera work, especially video and animation. You are quite a good artist, and you love to draw. You have decided you want to grow your hair out, which I have agreed to let you do.
You can't stand being cooped up all day inside, and you need to move frequently.


Stephen I love you so much. I'm so grateful that God chose to make me your mom. You might be the middle child, but your value and worth are certainly not less because of that. Please know that I love you and that I am eagerly awaiting to see how God continues to mold and shape you.

Happy birthday, kiddo.

Love, Mom

To My "Baby" Boy:

Andrew,

You aren't a baby anymore. Still, sometimes I am so glad that you occasionally delight in things appropriate for your age. You still love Webkinz and Build-a-Bear. You are still content to play with the little superhero figures that look cute. And I realized tonight that Monopoly is your favorite game. Your jokes are still silly, and your conversation when your brothers aren't around is delightfully immature, and I'm relieved. It's just that you have no idea how much older than you your brothers really are, and you try so hard, so often to be like them. I don't want you to lose these years of being a little boy.

I can't believe all you are doing. Someone told me today how much they enjoyed hearing you talk about the work we are doing each day at the church. You were telling her how hard you have to work, and how fast. It always amazes me how when it's just you and me, you manage to get it done even more quickly, and to do Stephen's jobs too! Of course, it frustrates you that I don't give you as many choices in jobs as your brothers, but I suppose you really can't understand that you are just not as reliable in vacuuming and cleaning bathrooms yet. This year you have learned to add big numbers, read unusual words, ride your bike, take care of your dog, count your allowance and determine if you have enough for a purchase, and so much more! Your favorite place is outside in the back yard, or your bedroom listening to "Hank, the Cowdog" or "Junie B. Jones" stories. It tickles me that your favorite fictional characters: Junie B., Hank, Curious George, and Fudge, are all just like you!

I've worried about you this year. I especially worried about your reading. When you were evaluated last year, the teacher placed you a year behind in reading and suggested I hold you back. That seemed silly to me since we were homeschooling, so I started investigating what might be preventing you from learning better. You have been diagnosed with ADHD and the Physician's Assistant also detected some potential auditory processing problems. In spite of all that, you have progressed in reading, and although you are still slow, you are able to read real books now, as well as food labels, signs, magazine covers, and lots more things I don't really want you to read! You love to be read to, but I'm afraid I don't do it enough. I have tried to pick out some "classic" kids books that I think you would like--Charlotte's Web, Mr. Popper's Penguins, various classic picture books, and others, and you have enjoyed them all. Right now we are reading The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.

Your friendships still tend to be with your brothers' friends. I have tried to encourage you to play with other boys your own age, but you aren't that interested. Not that you don't enjoy time with boys your age, you just don't yearn for it or consider it often. I figure in time, God will bring into your life a special friend mostly your own.

One of my favorite things about you is your very tender heart. You love people--really love people. You easily see their needs and are quick to pray for them or devise a way to help them. One of the hardest things to teach you has been to wait and ask if you can help, because often your "help" doesn't take into consideration the potential complications it brings to the "helpee." Nevertheless, you have a real gift for ministry, and I love that you are so tender to people.

It is hard to believe you are eight today. You have grown so much. I was watching you sleep last night and thinking how long your legs are. When did they get like that? If Stephen doesn't go through a growth spurt soon, I'm afraid you will catch him in size! Oh, my sweet boy! It is such a privelege to be your mom and to teach you so much. I can't imagine life without you and am grateful for every long day of listening to you chatter on about your interests! I love you so much. I hope you had a wonderful birthday, and I can't wait to see what God is going to do with you this year.

Mom

Eight Years Ago . . . .

Eight years ago today, I was about to head for the hospital. Andrew was a couple weeks early, but my water broke anyway. Even though there was no labor, the OB nurse wanted me to get checked out at the hospital. So we went. I was miserable all night. AJ hadn't even dropped all the way, so they wouldn't let me out of bed to prevent the cord from prolapsing. The fetal heart monitor would move every time I did, and a nurse would come in a harrass me to find the heartbeat again. Finally, very early in the morning, the doctor approved me getting up and walking. I hadn't been back in bed an hour when the nurse came in again to harrass me, only this time she couldn't find AJ's heartbeat. Quick decisions were made, and I ended up in the OR; AJ was delivered by emergency C-section. I don't even remember much from that day--except being very irratated that I couldn't see my baby all day (they had trouble getting his temperature up, and I was chained to the stupid bed). I joke that AJ almost killed me (I was bleeding internally and he wasn't getting enough blood).

A friend and I were just musing that our kids have all come into the world in ways consistent with their personalities. Josh was slow and late and took his time, but was very little trouble. Stephen was in a hurry, but came like clockwork. AJ came dangerously and caused a lot more trouble than the others. He has been very worth all the trouble he caused then, and all he's called since then. He brings so much adventure and fun into our lives.

Tomorrow he will be eight. What happened to my baby? Where did he go?

Why I Can't Really Complain

Forty Reasons to Give Thanks for My 40th Birthday:

1. My parents who were both believers and who really loved the Lord and lived it, and loved each other sacrificially.
2. My mom who modeled the importance of being a wife and mother.
3. I got to spend my dad’s last years really getting to know him and love him.
4. I have three very healthy, fun, energetic children.
5. Every now and then, God gives me glimpses of how He might further His kingdom through my children and through me.
6. Every single day, God woos me to look at Him again, even if I’ve completely forgotten Him.
7. Books.
8. My car: even though it’s giving me fits right now, for now it’s paid for.
9. Through means I don’t understand, my house is somehow also paid for.
10. God has given me so many people to be my covenant family and to turn my eyes back to Him when I get down, even when I whine and complain about not feeling celebrated on my birthday. (Thanks Gara, Wanda, Eva, and Cheryl)
11. I get to homeschool my kids, and I LOVE doing it! They are so much fun!
12. I live in a free country where I have too much stuff, too much food, too much time on my hands, and things actually come pretty easily.
13. God has actually met my hearts desire to have a huge family by letting me be part-time “mom” to a number of other kids (oh, and how I love them!).
14. I am in a church which teaches, lives, and loves God’s inerrant, infallible Word!
15. God isn’t done with me yet, and yet He lets me see how far He’s come with me.
16. God continues to meet our physical needs, while giving me a simple life.
17. I can walk, and talk, and sing, and work . . . all pretty much pain free.
18. God has amazing, exciting, awesome things planned for my future.
19. Even though I don’t have a husband with whom I can share intimately, God has given me the most amazing couple of best friends who let me be me, and still love me. (What a miracle!)
20. Books.
21. God knew I needed the insights of men from time to time, and has given me friend’s husbands and a very special good friend to give me male counsel.
22. I have probably thirty copies of God’s Word in my personal possession.
23. I don’t have to worry that at any minute someone might break in the door and take me or my children away without any explanation or justification to do so.
24. I have indoor plumbing.
25. I have two sweet dogs who let me love on them even when the kids won’t.
26. So far, I haven’t been blown away by a hurricane.
27. Did I mention books?
28. The Internet.
29. God has given me relationships with some amazing single women who confirm and encourage my calling to stay home and care for my home and family.
30. The whole Watkins clan who still claim me as family (how I love you guys!).
31. In spite of anything I go through, I still have heaven to look forward to.
32. God has made me spiritually wise. This has NOTHING to do with me. It is ALL Him!!! But it is SO cool to see connections in scripture and know that for reasons beyond me He has chosen to show me things.
33. Pastors Barry Leventhal, Jon Krug, Greg Holladay, Rod Whited, and Phil Smuland who have fed me meat from God’s Word since I was very little until now, without shame or compromise, and who have modeled servant’s hearts for me. You guys are one of the biggest reasons I love scripture so much. Thanks for never trying to dumb it down for me.
34. More songs to sing than I will sing in a lifetime, and more to learn once I get to heaven.
35. My camera and the opportunity to use photography to tell a story and to minister to people.
36. A college education that might not be earning me big bucks right now, but which taught me to think and to write.
37. Twelve years with a man who was a wonderful husband and father, and who taught me about serving and loving another person. I really miss him.
38. An understanding of how dangerous and destructive sin is, and a deep desire to never get trapped in its grips.
39. Grace, salvation, and righteousness which I never would have had if God hadn’t loved me so much that He sent His best gift, his son Jesus Christ, to live a perfect life and to pay my price in exchange for my sin. I still think I got the better end of the covenant deal.
40. All of my books, and all those I will own in the future.

Now, I think I will head to Amazon.com to buy me a birthday present.

I Thought I Was OK with It . . .

. . . but now, I'm really not.

This week I turn 40. It was really no big deal as I saw it coming. In fact, I wanted to celebrate it . . . wanted to have a party to celebrate all the people God has given me in my life. But late March hit and I feel like the weeks are now crammed full of end-of-the-year activities and I can scarcely breathe. So no party. I'm not at all where I thought I'd be at this point in my life, and yet in some ways, I'm farther along than I dreamed.

It will probably be a quiet day. This is the time of year I really miss having close family nearby, and a husband who adores me. And I'm feeling again like I did last year: I want to pretend it's just another day . . . nothing special.

Or maybe this year I should wear black.

What I Did for AJ's Birthday

So I have made it my policy not to let the boys have parties for every birthday. They only get parties for "special" birthdays--like the 6th, the 10th, the 13th, the 16th (years that are important only because I think they are important, and for no reason other than my subjective ones!). This year, AJ turned 7--not a "special" birthday--so no party. I was going to try to keep it simple. So this is what I did:

Instead of a party, he got to invite a friend to spend the night. He invited five friends (three are brothers, how could we leave one out? and two are his brothers good friends. We're kind of like that--we just share everything!) So I supplied pizza (very cheap pizza), cake, sodas and snacks, decorations, and treats. Does that sound like a party to you? Yeah. Does to me too. However this is really the first year AJ has really wanted to be with friends of his own, his own age. No. That doesn't really make me feel better about it.

The one thing he really wanted for his birthday was the doggie. So after much prayer and deliberation, I decided to get it. (I've been thinking about this for over a year.) So for his "present" I am paying the adoption fee at the shelter, buying all the "necessities" like a new crate, a trip to the vet, extra food, toys, etc. The cost of this present? I'm too embarrassed to tell you, but let's just say I could get a bunch of toys cheaper.

I told AJ that if he got the dog, that was his present. There would probably be nothing else. But the night before he went to Disney with his grandparents, I began feeling a little guilty that he'd have nothing to open and decided to send "a little bag of treats" with him on his trip. So I fille the BIGGEST gift bag I could find with snacks, a few little toys, stickers, a disposable camera, and tied it off with a personalized balloon. OK, yeah. It was a present. But don't tell anyone.

I also realized at Walmart that he needed new pajamas for his trip . . . a new swimsuit (the eight old hand-me-downs aren't good enough . . . and they don't have superheroes on them) . . . and of course, a birthday outfit. So I got those for him.

I won't tell you how much money I've actually spent on this birthday. Let's just say . . . I should have had a party and presents. It would have saved me money.

At least the kid's worth it.

And I'm consoling myself by reminding myself that God understands how much I love my son. "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"
Matt 7:11 (NIV)

Seven Years Ago Today . . .

. . . my life was about to change. Again.

It was about 11pm and I was almost nine months pregnant--three weeks shy of my due date. Then just before I went to bed, I began to suspect my water was leaking. I called the on-call nurse and begged to be allowed to stay home until morning, but was told I needed to go to the hospital to be checked. Once at the hospital, sure enough, my water had broken so I had to stay.

It was a fitfull night with little sleep . . . the monitor constantly moving and a nurse coming in to adjust it. They wouldn't let me get up and walk because the baby was still too high up. Finally very early in the morning the doctor came in and examined me and gave me permission to walk for an hour at a time. So I walked and got back into bed. That's when it all started.

Darned monitor slipped again. The nurse came in and tried to adjust it . . . but this time, something different. The nurse called for the doctor, then explained to me that she couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. The doctor came in and examined me and explained that they would have to do a C-section. Everything was happening so fast, but all I really remember is being wheeled down the hall and begging God to save my baby boy's life. I remember the O.R. and vaguely being put to sleep, then waking up to see Jerry and one of our Assistant pastors.

The rest of the story came later. The placenta broke away (called placenta abruptio, for you childbirth experts). I was bleeding. The baby was getting no oxygen. It was Providence that we were at the hospital instead of home. Providence that the nurse was really paying attention. Providence that Andrew and I are alive today.

That day was a very long day, as I waited all day for my baby, unable to get up and go to the nursery to see him.

He's bigger now, seven years later. But oh! In some ways he hasn't changed much at all. He's still in a hurry to do everything in ways nobody ever expects (and sometimes that we don't want to do them!). He still risks his life to do what everybody else does safely. He still provides us with some very exciting stories, and some very interesting adventures. And when you make it through all the hard stuff, he's still very much worth the adventure (or worry, or scare, or whatever!).

So while he's off right now with his grandparents camping, I'm thinking about how much I love that little boy, even though he costs me a lot, and has nearly cost me so much more. He sure is worth it! Happy Birthday sweet Andrew!

We're Adopting a New Baby . . . Well, Maybe.

It's a baby boy! (Like I need another boys around here!) He's about six months old. The place where we found him thinks he might have been abused, but he is very easy-going and sweet. We fell in love with him as soon as we saw him yesterday, and went back today with the whole family to check him out again and fill out the applications.

OK, he's a dog. We are getting him from the Safe Animal Shelter in Clay County. The woman we talked to there thinks he is a Shepherd/Retriever mix. He really loved the boys the first day we looked; he wasn't so energetic this morning, but the woman said he had been outside playing all morning so he was tired. We took Princess to see him today, and she really didn't care about him, but we thought it was a good sign that she didn't dislike him.



He is to be a birthday present for Andrew (yeah, but don't worry! No illusions here about my involvement in his care. I do intend for him to be AJ's responsibility though!) AJ has been begging for a puppy now since before Christmas, and I have been thinking about it for over a year, so we're not going into this impulsively like we have before. Everybody is actually kind of excited about him. I think he will be good for AJ, who needs someone to take care of, and for Princess, who needs a friend when we're busy or not home. Does it sound like I'm rationalizing to you. Nawwww . . . not me!

Happy Birthday, DOG.

I forgot on Valentine's Day to wish our sweet Shepherd a happy birthday. She was five-years-old. We got her as a puppy at a Mission's Auction at church. She drives me crazy, but she is a very good dog. Even though my dad bought her for the boys, she is MY dog. She follows me everywhere. And she knows I'm talking about her even when I just say "dog." She comes to me when I say it. If you think taking pictures of three wild boys is hard, try adding an ADHD dog into the mix. Interesting.

The night we remembered her birthday we got her a doggie rug. I excused the expenditure as a "birthday present," but actually it is an attempt to get her to sleep in my room without sleeping on my bed. We also had cake and ice cream. Wish I could say that I planned that for her birthday as well, but it was really just 'cause we wanted cake. She didn't get any.

Still, she's a good dog and we love her. As long as she doesn't eat our cake.