A Quiet Place of Retreat

Every morning the alarm goes off and I jump out of bed. OK, well actually the alarm only goes off some mornings ... and usually I jump out of bed so I can cross the room to hit the snooze button ... but eventually my days starts like it does for many people around me. I rush into the day trying to put together my mental checklist. I make breakfast, pack lunches, get boys up and going, and start the tasks of the day. I navigate my checklist, trying to weave through the chaos of living in an unkempt house, filled with loud, noisy children, and secured by a pile of bills yet to be paid ... all of these things demanding my time, my attention, my money, my sanity. The breakneck pace of the simple world I have chosen to live in makes me wonder how I would cope with a world that is more complex--be it working outside my home, rushing kids around to multiple schools and activities, or even just trying to please a husband. I have searched for years for a way to calm the clamor and conquer the chaos, trying lists and accountability partners and rewards only to discover again and again the only thing that can bring me peace.

I'm not a morning person, so the momentum of propelling myself into immediate activity first thing in the morning often seems like the intuitive way to keep myself awake, not to mention to actually accomplish something before noon. Yet the only way that I reach the end of the day feeling satisfied with what I have (or haven't) done is when I spend time at the beginning and throughout the day looking, listening, waiting, being still, and remembering to let myself be led by the One who made me for a purpose and who knows how today can bring me closer to fulfilling that purpose.

Being still ... waiting ... listening .... All are very hard activities to learn to do well in our culture. With all our modern conveniences to do survival work for us, we continue to overload ourselves with more tasks and call them necessary. We drown out the cries of our own souls with images and noise and imitation relationships until silence and stillness seem wasteful, dull, and tedious. We exhaust ourselves to the point that if we aren't doing something we can't keep our eyes opened or our minds engaged. And by we ... I mean me.

One of the things I love about new beginnings ... about the new opportunities afforded in recurring routines ... is that I am reminded again and again to return to what is essential. Not what I think is necessary, but what my very soul needs. Once again, I'm reminded of how badly I need quiet time in the morning to read from ancient pages about the One who has brought me this far. Once again I draw close to His heart to pour out to Him my concerns, to ask Him for help, to share with Him the my delights. As I try to do this in chaos I remember, again, that I need a place to retreat to His arms, so one more time I clean out a bag ... a corner ... a closet to set aside as my personal Holy of Holies where I can worship Him.

My house is still in chaos. My schedule packed with more things to do than there are hours in the day. Even my room is a disaster, but this morning, I retreat to the lovely prayer closet I have restored and sanctified for the purpose of worshiping the Lover of My Soul. It is a place of beauty ... of simplicity ... a place of escape into what is eternal from that which will continue to change until it ceases. This is my response to needing the SHELTER of prayer. This is my retreat.

Spiritual Check Up

Well, 10 days into the new year, and I'm still with my resolution to read my Bible every day and to keep my list of 1000 gifts. As with most things once the novelty wore off (around day 3!), and it became hard. Yesterday I had a major breakdown when it took me hours (literally!) to read my several chapters of Genesis. After pondering what my problem was I realized that when I read scripture, I rarely just read it. My brain is interacting--asking questions, imagining the real lives of the cast, noticing relationships and patterns. Because of this, my inclination is to study it using commentaries, word studies, and making charts and lists. Often the resources I'm using don't answer my questions, and I have to search the Internet to see if I can find some answers. I want to read through my Bible in a year, but I want to study it for myself too!

Once I realized what my hangup was, I called a friend for advice on how to handle it. Her first question to me: What is your purpose for reading through the Bible? Well ... DUH! I realized that I need to be very clear on what I'm doing, so for now, I'm just reading and making some notes, and I'll just keep doing that until I can pray about it a little more and decide if this whole read-through-in-a-year things is what God wants me to do, or just what I want to do from legalism.

My list of grace gifts is growing so quickly. Several times I've found myself feeling down or frustrated or overwhelmed, and I've just pulled out my Grace journal and reviewed it or added to it. This hasn't been any kind of magic solution to overcoming the emotions of the moment, but it does change my focus and has restored much of my peace. It's odd too, that sometimes I hold myself back from counting things that I deem "little" or "silly." I realized that on Christmas day my kids love what is in their stockings as well as their "big gifts," so it's OK for me to be grateful for the fun little things God does because He knows that only I will love them!

Here are the things, silly or not, that I've added to my list:

#41 "Mom, getting on Pinterest is one of the best things you've done!" [because I'm actually making recipes and doing things from it]
#42 Helen
#43 Christmas money to spend from a family member
#44 encouragement from a sister in Christ
#45 watching Andrew soften to correction and teaching through the course of an afternoon
#46 everyone waking up without a fight
#47 enjoying worship with our Praise team at church--twice!
#48 being reunited with friends who've been away from our church
#49 seeing a young man who grew up as a "hero" to my boys, and meeting his wife
#50 realizing how much I was enjoying Sunday worship (Thanksgiving makes all the difference!)
#51 Hearing Andrew say, "TEN DOLLARS?!?!?" [as the offering plate was passed by us]
#52 having Matthias over and hearingthe boys enjoying time together
#53 OREO TRUFFLES!!!
#54 returning to God's Word late at night (remembering to return is HUGE!!!)
#55 great, trusted, "Duh!" advice from Eva
#56 a photo I loved and time to play with it
#57 time alone with Josh to talk
#58 opportunity to let a single mom friend board here
#59 the stirring of my BIG DREAM
#60 dinner with Helen's family
#61 a CPAP hose on hand to replace a broken one
#62 sunlight after a rainy morning
#63 grown up conversations with my almost-grown-up son
#64 finally getting school on track -- sorta
#65 spiritual conversations with a friend who trusts me
#66 ice cream with Stephen -- and great conversation!
#67 two hours with the younger boys gone so I'm alone enough to think and write and read

.... and the gifts continue!

Taking the Joy Dare!

I have struggled for some years now with depression. Too many losses, the hardships of life, brokenness from sin, compounding health issues, loneliness--a recipe for depression. Through it all, I have seen with unusual spiritual clarity that the refuge for my emotions, my sanity, my spirit can only be found in the Lord. There have been moments when it was so clear I could almost touch it--the only way to lose weight, master my money, guide my children, figure out how to handle the next bill is to cling to the Lord and seek His help. I lose the clarity quickly, overcome by the wind and the waves around me ... distracted from my Lord. I often tell my kids that if they can't remember too many things of which I set a good example for them, I hope at least they remember that I was always willing to try again and to start over when I was going the wrong way or was trying to do something I felt called to do.

This year, I'm trying to change my year ... my choices ... myself ... by changing my focus. I'm convinced that overcoming depression, anxiety, fear, and so on occurs by cultivating gratitude. So I'm taking the Joy Dare. I'm daily recording the things I see around me that God is giving me. I've started counting my gifts--gifts I get every day, almost hourly ... or moment by moment. They are gifts of graces, given to me by my Father. I am counting to a thousand--my Thousand Gifts--and beyond. In my first week, this is the start of my list:

1. a NEW year filled with hope
2. enjoying worship together with all three of my boys
3. favorite old movies filled with memories and emotions
4. hearing God's voice in sermons and scripture
5. a beautiful, warm, sunny first day of the year
6. an afternoon nap
7. a kitty sleeping on the bed next to me
8. new beginnings
9. a second visit with Jackie and Gracie
10. changes in Grace--she's growing up!
11. recognition of returning to the ruts in my life.
12. first coffee of the year with Carrie
13. a camera to borrow
14. holding a warm, purring kitty (obviously not ours!)
15. Stephen waking me to "put me to bed."
16. a warm, safe house on a cold night
17. being trusted with the trials of people I love.
18. Smooth sheets and soft warm blankets
19. a turkey feast with my kids!
20. listening to the boys playing PS3 together and laughing
21. LEFTOVERS!!! (Means I don't have to cook!)
22. an 11-year-old who can make breakfast!
23. glimpses of character growth in Josh
24. remembering to pray with Andrew
25. a lazy day AND
26. forced return to the routine and to work
27. my brown eyes that look for the best in things
28. my affectionate, sensitive, very physical body language
29. a completely and totally God-given ability to look into scripture and see connections, relationships, and applications
30. a NEW attempt to read through my Bible in 2012, with NEW expectations of success
31. excitement, anticipation, appreciation in the boys eyes as I try again to make food from scratch regularly
32. spiritual growth in a young man's beliefs after having to let go so he could find his own path to His Father
33. the privilede of praying for friends in the middle of trials
34. a friend who finally received a successful heart transplant
35. a kid who loves being outside riding his bike  
36. electricity and water paid up!
37. Caramel Banana Pie
38. the change purse Papa brought me from Nepal ... where the Gospel is so needed.
39. groceries!
40. encouragement and hope from the Gospel that is never far from my thoughts

...and counting!

If you'd like to join me, try starting with the January Joy Dare, in addition to other things that the Lord shows you throughout the day.

10-10 in 2010

If you've followed my blog at all, it has become apparent to you that I am . . . er . . . goal-challenged. Seems like when I set a goal it ends up forgotten. It's probably on my floor somewhere with many other things being walked upon. However, I am convinced that it is not (for me) the achieving of a goal that is important, it is setting them and moving in their general direction for at least a period of time. So I'm leaping again this year. And, as I did last year, I'm dropping the bar a bit, hoping that by not setting it too high I might actually achieve what I set out to do! So here's my 2010 Goals:

10 Books I'd like to read:

• When Life and Beliefs Collide
• Age of Opportunity
• A House for My Name
• Ministry of Motherhood
• Idols of the Heart: Learning to Long for God Alone
• The Reason for God
• UnChristian
• Esperanza Rising
• An Unfinished Life
• another fiction yet undecided

10 Goals for My Year:

• Get rid of the junk in my garage
• Make curtains for my bedroom windows and hall
• Learn to cook (really cook)
• Organize my schoolroom
• Research and tentatively plan getting my Master's Degree
• Get away for my birthday with some of my girlfriends
• Study the book of Romans (or at least part of it)
• Double my income (find a work-from-home job?)
• Lose 25 pounds
• Renew my relationship with my most Beloved

Easy goals right? Should be a piece of cake. Stay tuned. My life reads like a bad comedy (filled with a lot of God's grace!)

999 Book List: The People of Sparks

Sometimes I do something so unlike myself that it leaves me a bit shocked. Completing this book in a little less than a week is one of those things. While not a difficult read, for me to keep enough momentum to actually finish a book, much less to finish it in the same month . . . or year . . . or decade, is unusual. I enjoyed People of Sparks, however I didn't think it was as good as The City of Ember (to which it is a sequel). It felt a bit more preachy to me--in other words the morals and lessons were kind of beat into my head, and because of that the ending seemed a little predictable. But I still liked the vivid descriptions, the meaningful imagery, the interesting characters, and even the plot of the story. I have decided to put futuristic, post-apocalyptic fiction on the back burner for a while. I'm starting to look over my shoulder a bit too much, and with O'Bama president and all . . . well, need I say more? So for now I'm going to tackle some of my more spiritually nourishing books. But not for long. I'm realizing how much I enjoy a good story! I like historical fiction and anything else with good characters and adventure and mystery. Any suggestions?

999 List: The City of Ember & Fahrenheit 451

Wow! I just looked at my list and realized that I'm making my way through books quickly right now! The first book I finished this year was Whatever Happened to Penny Candy, and I was amazed at the information about economics that I didn't know. I'm not sure if it was helpful to educate me in this area--I'm more skeptical than ever about our government--but nevertheless, it whetted my appetite for more of these "Uncle Eric" books.

Then I continued on in one I was determined to finish--Fahrenheit 451. The story was unsettling--more so because it was written over 50 years ago, yet was almost prophetic in its vision of futuristic society and the media--but it was well-written and stimulated lots of thoughts in me about my need for good literature. In some ways I found it a little sad; I felt it relied too much on general knowledge (from all kinds of literature) instead of saving knowledge (from scripture) for hope for society. One of my close friends disagrees, so I'll probably continue to process it for a long time in the future.

Tonight I finished a book that I've only been reading about a week. The City of Ember has recently been made into a movie. One evening not long ago while the boys were finishing their cleaning jobs, I read the first chapter in one of the classrooms we clean, and was astonished at the quality of the writing. The story captivated me, so I reserved the book at the library and started it when it came in last week. What a great story!!! Two kids recently graduated from school (at 12!) begin to suspect that something is wrong in their isolated city, and begin to search for a way to help the citizens of their town to escape from their dark abode. This story is a thrilling mix of social commentary, heroism and villainy, mystery, and adventure. It's such a great book that Stephen curiously picked it up and has started reading it! It's also part of a series (of course!), so now I have to read the sequel, The People of Sparks. And eventually, of course, I'll watch the movie . . . which won't be as good since I read the book first!

Anyway, I'm quite impressed with myself, that I've finished THREE books in two months! Not to mention, I have started and made progress in a couple more! So on with the challenge! So many books, so little time!

New Reading Challenge

OK, having just shared my loathing for goals (because I so seldom seem to achieve them), I will say I rather enjoyed the reading challenge this year. Maybe because I thought of it as a challenge instead of a goal, or maybe because I liked crossing things off my list and seeing progress, even if I didn't read them all. So I'm forging ahead with the 999 Reading Challenge as I proposed it earlier: 9 fiction and 9 non-fiction in '09. I also liked that I could change my list (which I did frequently as new books caught my fancy!).

So for right now, here are the books I want to read (it's not complete yet, so I'll be adding to it later!):

Fiction:
Fahrenheit 451
House by Frank Peretti


Non-Fiction:
The Ministry of Motherhood
The Mission of Motherhood
Age of Opportunity

New Year's Redirection

I hate the term New Year's Resolution. Have I mentioned that already? I like the idea behind a resolution--something you commit to do. The problem with the New Year's kind is that I commit for a couple weeks, or at best a couple months, then I forget and my committment . . . well . . . isn't. I've tried all kinds of things to allay the guilt that comes washing over me at the end of the year, as I realize that once again, my resolutions weren't exactly resolute, but to no avail. This year, I have been praying about my direction in 2009. What God keeps pressing on my heart is that all my striving and working are useless if they are powered by anything other than Him.

I'm fallen into a subtle trap. I'm doing some things--some very important things--and I say they are for Him. But the truth is, although I do believe they are His will for me, I'm doing them all in my own strength. I have yielded to a culture of over-communication. Information is seconds away, at my fingertips. I have inundated my brain with Google and Netflix and Facebook. While there is nothing wrong with these means of communication, God's Word . . . and worse yet God's presence have fallen to the wayside in my life. Communication with Him is hard, because it requires me to stop . . . to be still . . . to wait. I don't like waiting. Heroes don't wait. Successful executives don't wait. And well, mom's don't get to wait. Waiting requires an intense amount of self-discipline, and I'm not exactly that.

In our spiritual culture, we live in a mindset that has washed away the seriousness of our relationship to God. I have grown up in the church, and sometimes I sense that "Jesus loves me" and "Jesus saves me" and even "God is soveriegn" are washed out phrases that have become bland. Shame on me! Shame on us! Christ's love and sacrifice to save me are world-changing!!! If the idea of men I don't know fighting and dying on a battlefield half-way around the world humbles me into reverence for their sacrifice, the idea of the holy God of the universe CHOOSING to put Himself at risk and die for me should level me to my knees. Prayerlessness--the casual neglect of the relationship with that very God--should be considered a travesty instead of excused by my own weakness. It is sin! Chasing after all the things of this world is adultery, not mere choice made in freedom! Am I being hard on myself? No, I don't think so.

So my goal this year is a hard one. "Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness." I only have one goal, one "resolution" this year. I want to seek after God's kingdom harder . . . more intentionally . . . . I feel certain that if I work at this one thing, with Providence's help, everything else will fall into place and I will see progress in more areas than I can imagine. Or at least, those other things bugging me? They won't matter, because my goals and desires will be more shaped by God's concerns.

I'm not off to a good start. But I still have 364 days to work at it. And ANY progress toward this goal is something to be pleased with! What have I got to lose?

888 Challenge Progress Report

I tend to put so much pressure on myself that any time I don't make the mark dead in the center of the target, I feel like a failure. One of my dear friends and mentors taught me a saying: "Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly." Think about it a minute. Now while I do believe that we should try our best to do things worth doing well, does it stand to reason that if we are unsure if we can do it well we shouldn't even attempt it? Well, I did attempt this reading challenge this year, and I didn't read all the books on my list. So what? I still read. I even kept plodding along through some of the books knowing I had set the goal.

On the flip side, I hate that I often set goals and fail to hit them. Obviously it's a little late in the year for me to try to read a couple dozen books. So instead I'm rethinking my challenge for next year. I'm thinking 9 and 9 in '09. Nine non-fiction and nine fiction books. I would LOVE to say I'm going to read 70 or more books for a 999 challenge, but I don't think I will. But 18? I think maybe I could do that. I don't know. Any suggestions?

I just love the idea of challenging myself to read for me!

Review-Piecing Together the High School Puzzle

Homeschooling into high school is remnant to me of anticipating teaching my first son to read. I knew I knew how to read, I just didn't know where to begin in passing along that knowledge. High school is worse. I remember what things were like when I went to high school . . . but everything seems different now. One of my goals for the next year has been to begin training myself for the record-keeping required for high school. So I bought Piecing Together the High School Puzzle by my friend Joanne Mastrioncola to get an idea of what is going to be required.

This book is intended to be specific to Florida high school students, which is OK with me. It walks you through the different high school plans, how to keep records, where to find more information, and even what fun things are available for high school seniors (Didn't know that homeschool seniors could go to grad night!). It explains grade point averages, different kinds of tests, and how to apply for college and scholarships. The book also includes reproducible worksheets and samples for record keeping. It even has checklists of what needs to be done during the students junior and senior years!

This book was straight to the point, yet well-communicated. It comes in a binder, which is great for making copies of the reproducibles. Of course, I was pre-disposed to liking this book because I know that Joanne has a heart for helping others along in their homeschool journey.

After reading this book, I don't feel so intimidated now about homeschooling through high school, if that is what the Lord has planned for us. Now if I could just find a cheap way to keep all those records without putting much time into it . . . .

My 888 Challenge

OK. I added Shelfari to my blog tonight, and in doing so reviewed my reading list for this year. Not doing so well. Sooo . . .

• Less TV. I gotta turn that thing off.
• Keep my list in front of me. Concentrate my reading on the books I've listed, even if it means changing the list a little as I go.
• Carry it with me. Remember I have it.

Today is Monday. By the end of the week I want to have made progress on one I want to read aloud, and I want to have finished ONE of my books. (I'm close to finishing a couple of them.)

Next year I'm doing my 9-9-9 Diet List.

I'm a Family Manager!

I'm reading this really great book called Desperate Households. It is a very different perspective on homemaking. Instead of offering a cookie-cutter method to foolproof cleaning, cooking and schduling, this book began by encouraging me to look at my own style. I have always struggled with domestic skills. I want to have an orderly house, to have meals on the table on time, to have chores done regularly, but I just have a hard time giving up my impulsiveness and remembering to DO those things. For years I've beaten myself up for not being disciplined enough, for not finding the system that works, for being myself instead of what I wanted to be. Finally, I'm free from guilt over all that!

Before beginning to make significant changes in the way I approach domestic skills, I have started looking at my style and my priorities. So today I answered these questions:

Why does our family exist?
To glorify God and to expand His kingdom to our children and descendants, and beyond our family into the world. (I really pondered whether I really believe this, or just know it's the "right" answer. I decided I do really believe it, even if living it out has been off track for a while now.)

What are we trying to accomplish?
We are trying to nurture our own relationships with God so that we can each personally glorify and enjoy Him. We are also preparing for and seeking ways to help others develop and enjoy relationships with Him. Accomplishing this includes education, life training, learning scripture, developing holy habits, guarding ourselves against ungodly influences, investing ourselves in each other and in others beyond our family, learning to serve, learning to think about the things that influence us biblically.

What do we stand for; what is the heart and soul of our family, the beliefs upon which we make decisions and take actions?
We believe that God is the sovereign Creator who deserves to be worshipped by everything. We believe that the family is a microcosm of the kingdom composed of God’s elect people, and that the family is the training ground to prepare us for living with the family of God’s people. We believe that the quality of life together is determined by the kind of relationships we have with each other—whether we can enjoy one another and live lives which show love for one another. We believe that God has a plan for us as a family and as individuals, and that He wants us to know and follow His plan for our benefit and His glory, so that we come to know and trust Him better, and reflect that trust in our relationships with each other.

What is our basic approach to achieving our purpose?
Being together and doing things together as much as possible. Where we do things individually or explore individual interests, we gather together again to share those things with each other. Also our family is not closed to others, but looks for ways to bring others in and love and include them as we love each other.

What is the overarching purpose I have as Family Manager?
Coordinating the interests, activities and habits of each family member so that being together is enjoyable and productive. Creating a peaceful environment that nurtures each member and enables them to thrive and grow. Pointing each member to God as the purpose and reason for everything we do.

What would I like my family to say about me when I’m gone? (Specific traits and descriptions)
Still working on this one.

What is really important to me? (List)
Relationships with other people
Remembering people
Making decisions and living life according to what God’s Word teaches
Laughter
Thinking about things, and not just accepting whatever someone says.
Figuring out and enjoying how the people I love tick.
Enjoying the ways God made us unique
Learning new things
Dreaming
Being free to do the unexpected/Spontaneity
Music
Stories
Making people feel loved
Liking your family
Maintaining peace


If I know I only had a year to live, how would I spend my time, and what would I change about the way I run my home and life?
I would get rid of a lot of stuff.
I would spend more time doing fun things with the boys that are memorable and productive.
I would spend a lot of time writing down the things I've learned.
I'd write more notes to the people I love.
I'd scrapbook like crazy.
I'd go out to lunch and for coffee more with friends.
I'd simplify the "work" part of life so I could do it as little as possible.
I'd quit feeling guilty about staying up late with the boys, even when we sleep a little later too.
I'd take time to enjoy each season with all it's changes.
I'd get rid of unnecessary expenses.
I'd smile and laugh a lot more and frown and fuss a lot less.
I'd start dreaming aloud about what heaven will be like.


The next thing I have to do is go from here to writing a mission statement. Oh boy. Like I have the brevity of words for that!

Such Tender Memories . . .

OK, book number two read. AJ and I read How Fletcher Was Hatched together today. It's just a simple, old-fashioned story about a dog who feels neglected by his mistress. His friends, an otter and a beaver decide to help him compete with the cute little chicks stealing his attention by building an egg around him. It's nothing flashy, no aspirations of political correctness, just a sweet kids story that I must have read a million times when I was a kid. (Every illustration was etched on my memory as if I had read the book yesterday--it was fun walking through familiar territory!)

So we read the book . . . and I said with a sigh, "I loved this book when I was a kid!"

AJ responded: "Sure mom. Whatever. I'll be outside."

Ah, what treasured memories. (Can you feel the cynicism?) At least I can count another book on my 888 List.

One Down, Fifty-nine to Go!

Today I finished The Tiger Rising, by Kate DiCamillo. I'll post a review on it later and link it to my 888 list. It was a great book, and an easy read--a great starting place for my challenge. I'm also planning on reading one to AJ today, so by the end of the day, hopefully I'll be down two!!!

I'll probably do great until I start hitting books I haven't started yet. Therein the challenge really lies!

Taking the 888 Challenge

OK, I feel totally overwhelmed in accepting this challenge . . . sort of like I'm dooming myself to failure already . . . .

. . . but I already know I need to read more and watch movies/play computer less . . .

. . . and I would really feel a sense of accomplishing something if I did this . . .

. . . and so I'm just going to do it.

To see what I'm getting myslef into, go to the challenge.

I am going to probably overlap some, and I am going to restrict myself to books I check out or pull off my shelves, instead of rushing to Amazon to buy more books! I haven't got my catagories or lists yet, so check back on this post and I'll add it later.

Now I'm off to scour my shelves for books I want to read!