Things Moms Must Know About Boys

These are 'specially important to know if you didn't grow up with brothers.

• Boys do not wear panties. They wear underwear, boxers, briefs, skivvies, but not panties.
• Boys do not have slumber parties. They are called sleepovers, and they require LOTS of food, at least two video game systems, and DVDs with lots of combat and goofy humor.
• Boys do not play with dolls. They are called action figures.
• Boys do not play dress up. They wear the uniform for the current battle. Usually that battle is related to whatever battle DVD they are watching or just watched.
• Boy movies do not have to make sense or have a logical plot. They just have to have several weapons, body noises, and senseless humor. No kissing or happy endings, thank you. They're fine if everyone dies at the end.
• Do not call boys sweetie, honey, dear, or sugar. You can use buddy, big guy, or dude if you like.
• If you call a girl "boy" or "dude" she'll look at you like you have three heads. Then she'll shrug and walk off, thinking you're crazy. But if you call a boy "girl" or "princess" or something like that, he'll begin arming for war. Them's fightin' words!
• Boys automatically speak a second language. It includes belches, farts, armpit noises, and all kinds of other body noises.
• Boys need sound effects. They come prewired to make noises of explosions, shooting, and machine gun fire. Some girls will never figure out how to make these noises correctly.
• Boys insult each other the way dogs sniff each other's tails. It's just not as offensive to them as it is to us girls.

This isn't an exhaustive list, just tips to get you started.