Living Amidst Boys!

No Matter How, Just Count Them!

2012-01-29T15:42:00.000-05:00

Still on my soapbox of counting blessings--those grace gifts all around us that come down from our Father of Lights, in whom there is no variation or shifting shadow! Why count?

Because it adjusts our focus to what God IS doing, instead of what He isn't.
Because it reminds us of how much we have, even when we don't have much.
Because it makes you smile.
Because it changes our hearts from the inside, to the outside.
Because it brings strength, peace, and hope.
Because it's portable.
Because it trains us to see all that we don't usually see.
Because it looks for purpose in the difficult and the mundane.
Because it allows us to glimpse all of our gifts, not just the big ones.
Because everyone has gifts to count.
Because it ushers in the BIG miracles!

One comment I've heard is from people who are afraid they can't sound eloquent ... poetic ... musical. But can you count? Counting is personal ... flexible ... as creative or factual as you need it to be. Count in a way that you are comfortable with! Ideas of ways to count:

a list
photgraphs
video snippets
music lyrics
scripture
quotations
drawings
cartoons
journalling
scrapbooking
sharpie tatoos
audio recording
a mix CD
sound effects
slide show
poster
glass markers
chalkboard
paper crafts
any combination of the above or of unlimited other ways!

So what are you waiting for? It's only the end of January .... And it's really never too late to start counting!

To Know Is Not Enough

2012-01-26T23:13:00.000-05:00

We know how to look.

We must learn how to see.

We know how to hear.

We must learn how to listen.

We know how to touch.

We must learn how to feel.

We know how to taste.

We must learn how to savor.

We know how to think.

We must learn how to reason.

We know how to talk.

We must learn how to converse.

We know how to do.

We must learn how to serve.

We know how to say thank you.

We must learn how to be grateful.

"Now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is." 1 John 3:2 (NIV)

More glimpses of grace gifts:

#144 the pace of a well-prepared day

#145 the chatter of an 11-year-old as we make cookies together

#146 the hourly rescue: my Bible, 1000 Gifts, my journal, my list

#147 scratching pencils and tapping keys of children working on assignments

#148 cheese bubbling on fries

#149 Josh walking in the door early because game-club was cancelled

#150 soft whoosh and cool breezes of a fan

#151 teaching about the sun using a globe

#152 teaching school stretched across my bed

#153 getting the icing for the sugar cookies perfectly stiff

#154 remnants of the hole in the backyard under the swingset - and years of outdoor adventures that created it

#155 tender-hearted boys who quickly jump in to help their mom with the aching back

#156 breakfast made for me and brought to my room

#157 all three of us working quietly on our own things, but together.

#158 starting the day laughing together at funny street performers on YouTube

#159 dirt on the floor reminding me of new boots, a back yard, and outside play.

#160 rain clouds moving across the sky on cooler weather

#161 the unlocking and turning of the front door knob

#162 the thousands of things Stephen says that make me laugh!

#163 a sense of complete peace - I had almost forgotten this feeling.

#164 sushi and comfortable conversation

... and on and on they come!

The Power in Just Saying Thank You

2012-01-24T16:20:00.000-05:00

I am currently reading One Thousand Gifts: a Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are by Ann Voskamp. When I chose the books, I liked the idea of the title, but I completely missed the subtitle. “A dare to live fully right where you are ….”

A dare? To live fully? Do I not live fully? Is it something I really need to be challenged to do? My life certainly feels full: full of activity, full of noise, full of living … and full of dares.

I live in a house full of dares. With three boys all vying to claim the rights to be king of the moment, dares are etched into every comment, every declaration. Every word said, every action done, every choice made is done with at least some attention to what the brothers see and think. It used to drive me crazy … OK, more crazy … but I’ve since realized that it is wired in the nature of men to live life on a dare.
The word “dare” means to have the necessary courage or boldness for something. Does it really take courage to live fully? How else does one live?

Something in my spirit stirs. Is that what is missing?

I must confess, I have been asking myself this question for a number of years now, I just didn’t realize it was the question I was asking. Year after year I have fought against feelings of brokenness and failure, waking every morning to fend off the sense that I was drowning in my own life. I’ve been haunted by childhood dreams of what life should be like for me, nightmares echoed in my observations of the lives of so many women around me.

Shouldn’t I be the one driving the newest car? Shouldn’t I kiss my charming husband goodbye each day, and greet him with dinner on the table as he comes home? Wasn’t I supposed to have the typical middle class life that my mother modeled for me? Why did God impress on me so early how important a job it is to be a husband helper, child builder, and home maker … if … if He was just going to make that … impossible?

I’m not happy here … in my life. And yet, as I watch so many women who have the life I planned … the life I wanted … they aren’t happy either. How do I live this life—the life God has given me fully? How do I live it at all?

Most days, I feel like life is happening to me. It sweeps me along like a current and I can’t manage it. I barely keep my head above it. I try to school the kids, try to wash clothes and prepare meals, try to pay the bills. I’m trying to please the kids, trying to please my employer, trying to please the homeowners’ association … and I just feel like … like I never can.

I can’t even please myself. “Alone! You’re all alone!” “No one will ever love you like this!” “If so-and-so really knew how you are doing this, they’d take your kids away!.” The serpent’s lies hissssss in my head! I grumble and cry and again and again doubt God’s love for me and His plans for my life.

There. I said it. The source of my fear, my ache, my sorrow is my discontentment and the root of my discontentment is my lack of trust in God. How do you reverse distrust? How do you eliminate discontentment?

Is it really simple? As simple as the opposite? As simple as saying thank you? I start a list. A simple, childlike list of things I’m grateful for. I call them gifts, because they are gifts … from the One who loves me more than I can imagine. Can a full life really be found from simply opening your eyes to the fullness of life you've already been given? Is that really all I have to do - to see and say thank you?

I’m still writing them down, gaining momentum as I train my eyes to see more and more of the gifts around me. I didn’t even know they were there. And as I write them, I feel … blessed. Blessed to have my life. To have my gifts. Blessed to be me.

More gifts to mention:
#68 scones ready to go in the oven in the morning
#69 words to write … coming again after being dry
#70 no real desire to watch TV or play games tonight
#71 actually looking ahead to the next day before going to bed
#72 insomnia transformed into breakfast, lunch, the start of a grocery list, and 1/4 of the surface of the table
#73 unanimous agreement to open our home to someone in need
#74 a few hours of sleep in the early morning that got me through the day
#75 opportunity to encourage a friend
#76 adventure at the surplus/thrift/junk store
#77 the sun playing peek-a-boo through the clouds
#78 time to work on Saturday presentation
#79 sheets and pillows that smell like the sweet outdoors
#80 cooling air outside
#81 waking up in the way-too-early AM and being aware of the call to enter the suffering and loss of dear friends through prayer
#82 two human-children bed warmers snuggling next to me on a very cold night
#83 kitty therapy – our gray kitty babies in the regular kitten room where we can freely play with them
#84 new books in the mail
#85 the opportunity to encourage new homeschooling families
#86 the overwhelmed single mama who needed my counsel on homeschooling
#87 Robyn’s joint custody ruling
#88 Carrie, and her love and encouragement
#89 reminders again and again that when I feel hopeless there is always YOU. YOU are right there. YOU are enough!
#90 conversation about a job
#91 the way my covenant family and worship encouraged my heart today
#92 ease and speed in preparing my Journey lesson
#93 a glimpse of how Jesus is transforming me into a peacemaker
#94 being with Journey girls after more than a month long break!
#95 really yummy spaghetti that was easy to make
#96 the influence of boys like Neal and Reed on my little boys
#97 kitchen is cleaned and caught up!!!
#98 breakfast in the crockpot this morning
#99 finding fleas instead of worrying about mites
#100 getting to revisit memories from Beauty and the Beast (with Helen)
#101 catching up on Bible reading with FREE Internet audio Bible
#102 letting Josh spend a whole day with his girl
#103 better information and motivation at the sleep doctor today
#104 a great, productive family meeting
#105 a unique awareness of my dependence upon God because I’m single
#106 remembering that He who owns the cattle on a thousand hills secure my debts
#107 early to bed
#108 Bible time with the boys – talking about scripture and praying together
#109 wrestling through the awkwardness of being different … and realizing how different Jesus really makes me.
#110 being loved enough to be treated like a Princess for a night
#111 the feast of the senses that is musical theater: lights, color, music, dance, story, song….
#112 soft fur and rumbly purrs
#113 real world learning because we took time to be in the real world
#114 red-brown hair, a freckled nose, and socks in bed
#115 a clean, quiet closet to pray and study
#116 a second mama whom I love as much as the first one
#117 acoustic strumming of lovely tunes
#118 Alex … at Robyn’s house … for a whole weekend
#119 unexpected drive time that compels me to talk to Beloved
#120 Andrew learning lessons the hard way
#121 something ugly-beautiful: rows of stark, naked trees along the river
#122 bright sun, no clouds, on a canoe trip day for boys
#123 sounds of two very large boys wrestling on my bed
#124 memories of three little boys wrestling on the same bed (but it was bigger then) and snuggling up—all four of us—for the night
#125 reminders of the incredible men of God whose teaching I have been privileged to sit under during my lifetime
#126 something wrinkled: the sweet faces of my mama, grandmas, and great-grandma, who all remind me to embrace my trials and keep pressing on
#127 one grace smoothed: my path (Luke 3:5)
#128 one grace unfolded: the over-abundance of clothing we are blessed to have
three gifts found in Christ:
#129 Romans 3:24 freedom from the penalty of my sins
#130 Phillipians 4:6-7 peace that comes through prayer and prais
#131 1 Corinthians 12 unity with one covenant-secured body of believers
#132 a grace in the weather: enjoying 70 degree temperatures in January
#133 one gift that made me laugh: my very silly Stephen
#134 one thing I shared: a favorite book by a favorite author with Andrew
#135 a growing up conversation with a bashful son, who answers honestly anyway
#136 breaking cry of our red-shouldered hawk that we’ve been missing for a couple months
#137 watching Gracie enjoy her freedom after convalescing with a hurt paw for two days
#138 Oatmeal-orange-chocolate-strawberry-banana-crunchy sugar-all warm from the oven and ready to eat
#140 online audio Bible to help me catch up on my backlogged Bible reading … again
#141 sweet friends’ gifts of a blender, a computer monitor, citrus fruit, and a ride for a stranded kid
#142 the still-wonderful laptop my teenager is learning Spanish with
#143 the warming love of my sister who wanted us to have a new computer
… and more gifts to count and to come!

A Quiet Place of Retreat

2012-01-21T11:35:00.000-05:00

Every morning the alarm goes off and I jump out of bed. OK, well actually the alarm only goes off some mornings ... and usually I jump out of bed so I can cross the room to hit the snooze button ... but eventually my days starts like it does for many people around me. I rush into the day trying to put together my mental checklist. I make breakfast, pack lunches, get boys up and going, and start the tasks of the day. I navigate my checklist, trying to weave through the chaos of living in an unkempt house, filled with loud, noisy children, and secured by a pile of bills yet to be paid ... all of these things demanding my time, my attention, my money, my sanity. The breakneck pace of the simple world I have chosen to live in makes me wonder how I would cope with a world that is more complex--be it working outside my home, rushing kids around to multiple schools and activities, or even just trying to please a husband. I have searched for years for a way to calm the clamor and conquer the chaos, trying lists and accountability partners and rewards only to discover again and again the only thing that can bring me peace.

I'm not a morning person, so the momentum of propelling myself into immediate activity first thing in the morning often seems like the intuitive way to keep myself awake, not to mention to actually accomplish something before noon. Yet the only way that I reach the end of the day feeling satisfied with what I have (or haven't) done is when I spend time at the beginning and throughout the day looking, listening, waiting, being still, and remembering to let myself be led by the One who made me for a purpose and who knows how today can bring me closer to fulfilling that purpose.

Being still ... waiting ... listening .... All are very hard activities to learn to do well in our culture. With all our modern conveniences to do survival work for us, we continue to overload ourselves with more tasks and call them necessary. We drown out the cries of our own souls with images and noise and imitation relationships until silence and stillness seem wasteful, dull, and tedious. We exhaust ourselves to the point that if we aren't doing something we can't keep our eyes opened or our minds engaged. And by we ... I mean me.

One of the things I love about new beginnings ... about the new opportunities afforded in recurring routines ... is that I am reminded again and again to return to what is essential. Not what I think is necessary, but what my very soul needs. Once again, I'm reminded of how badly I need quiet time in the morning to read from ancient pages about the One who has brought me this far. Once again I draw close to His heart to pour out to Him my concerns, to ask Him for help, to share with Him the my delights. As I try to do this in chaos I remember, again, that I need a place to retreat to His arms, so one more time I clean out a bag ... a corner ... a closet to set aside as my personal Holy of Holies where I can worship Him.

My house is still in chaos. My schedule packed with more things to do than there are hours in the day. Even my room is a disaster, but this morning, I retreat to the lovely prayer closet I have restored and sanctified for the purpose of worshiping the Lover of My Soul. It is a place of beauty ... of simplicity ... a place of escape into what is eternal from that which will continue to change until it ceases. This is my response to needing the SHELTER of prayer. This is my retreat.

The 4 Minute Mothering Habit

2012-01-11T20:19:00.002-05:00

Again, I'm reminded, and I wonder: When will I be over it? When will I forget? When will my scarlet D be removed? Again I tell myself: Never. It is a part of who I am - a part of the story that God has written into my life, and God never uses erasers on our story. I am divorced. I don't have a husband or a marriage. For now, that's not a part of the adventure God has written for me.

It's not that I envy others who experience wonderful marriages ... that I would ever want to take the joys and struggles of marriage away from someone else .... I just grieve again and again for all those dreams and plans of which I have had to let go. Again ... and again.

I go through all this emotion while reading a favorite blog ... Not that it's unusual for me to experience a lot of emotion when I read Ann's blog, but I don't like these emotions ... don't like revisiting them.

But what she shares is truth ... a key to strengthening relationship ... advice for enhancing koinonia. She asks Who doesn’t want a deeper relationship? and I remember "Bloom where you're planted."

I may not have a husband to try these methods with, but I have relationships. And although they may require some very different things from the marriage relationship, they still need some of the same things too. So I take her advice, and consider what it should look like with my boys, and how these 4 Minute Marriage Habits can be transformed to 4 Minute Mothering Habits:

1. Four Focuses
Four times a day focus on the promises I've made to God in raising these boys to manhood. When they wake in the morning, leave the front door, return to front door, head off to bed - even with my young men, these are the four critical archways of time in our day. Touch or whisper encouragements at these gate points, reminding them that they are my treasures. No matter what has transpired through the day, I should take these four opportunities to remind them that no matter what has happened or what will happen, I want them and am here cheering for them.

2. Four Touches
Four times a day, intentionally touch them. Hug them and look in their eyes. Rub their back. Hold their hands a minute. Kiss their hair. Intentionally repeat it four times daily. Connection requires contact. Even though my boys are at different stages of acceptance of public displays of affection, they all still need to be touched. I need to look for private moments to remind them that we are connected and that they are very much loved.

3. Four Affirmations
Four times during the day, thank them. For diligently completing schoolwork, for being kind to their brother, for giving me a hug, for taking out the trash. Look for the ways to thank each of them. Recognize the strength in their character and compliment it ... but be prepared to give them a specific example or two of how they demonstrate such qualities.

It has been a long time since I thought of this, but when the boys were little, I had simple goals. One of them was that each boy, when asked "Who is mommy's favorite?" would say, "Me." I want each boy to feel so special to me, that it is easy for him to believe he is my favorite. I still want that today, but that goal gets lost among the goals of finishing schoolwork on time (or at all!), and getting everyone to the places he needs to be, and remembering in between all the taking-care-of to make sure I get a shower and eat and read my Bible! The 4 Minute Mothering Habits can go a long way to making each of the boys feel special, treasured, favored.

As I consider these habits, I suddenly realize the biggest way that these 4 Minute Mothering Habits differ from those in Marriage: I am only doing these for them until I surrender these habits to their new wives. And after all, that is one of the biggest reasons I want to mother them well - because I want them to be loving husbands and fathers who know how to love and to be loved.

So I guess it is all about marriage after all. And I do play a very big part in this loveliest of relationships!

Spiritual Check Up

2012-01-11T19:29:00.001-05:00

Well, 10 days into the new year, and I'm still with my resolution to read my Bible every day and to keep my list of 1000 gifts. As with most things once the novelty wore off (around day 3!), and it became hard. Yesterday I had a major breakdown when it took me hours (literally!) to read my several chapters of Genesis. After pondering what my problem was I realized that when I read scripture, I rarely just read it. My brain is interacting--asking questions, imagining the real lives of the cast, noticing relationships and patterns. Because of this, my inclination is to study it using commentaries, word studies, and making charts and lists. Often the resources I'm using don't answer my questions, and I have to search the Internet to see if I can find some answers. I want to read through my Bible in a year, but I want to study it for myself too!

Once I realized what my hangup was, I called a friend for advice on how to handle it. Her first question to me: What is your purpose for reading through the Bible? Well ... DUH! I realized that I need to be very clear on what I'm doing, so for now, I'm just reading and making some notes, and I'll just keep doing that until I can pray about it a little more and decide if this whole read-through-in-a-year things is what God wants me to do, or just what I want to do from legalism.

My list of grace gifts is growing so quickly. Several times I've found myself feeling down or frustrated or overwhelmed, and I've just pulled out my Grace journal and reviewed it or added to it. This hasn't been any kind of magic solution to overcoming the emotions of the moment, but it does change my focus and has restored much of my peace. It's odd too, that sometimes I hold myself back from counting things that I deem "little" or "silly." I realized that on Christmas day my kids love what is in their stockings as well as their "big gifts," so it's OK for me to be grateful for the fun little things God does because He knows that only I will love them!

Here are the things, silly or not, that I've added to my list:

#41 "Mom, getting on Pinterest is one of the best things you've done!" [because I'm actually making recipes and doing things from it]
#42 Helen
#43 Christmas money to spend from a family member
#44 encouragement from a sister in Christ
#45 watching Andrew soften to correction and teaching through the course of an afternoon
#46 everyone waking up without a fight
#47 enjoying worship with our Praise team at church--twice!
#48 being reunited with friends who've been away from our church
#49 seeing a young man who grew up as a "hero" to my boys, and meeting his wife
#50 realizing how much I was enjoying Sunday worship (Thanksgiving makes all the difference!)
#51 Hearing Andrew say, "TEN DOLLARS?!?!?" [as the offering plate was passed by us]
#52 having Matthias over and hearingthe boys enjoying time together
#53 OREO TRUFFLES!!!
#54 returning to God's Word late at night (remembering to return is HUGE!!!)
#55 great, trusted, "Duh!" advice from Eva
#56 a photo I loved and time to play with it
#57 time alone with Josh to talk
#58 opportunity to let a single mom friend board here
#59 the stirring of my BIG DREAM
#60 dinner with Helen's family
#61 a CPAP hose on hand to replace a broken one
#62 sunlight after a rainy morning
#63 grown up conversations with my almost-grown-up son
#64 finally getting school on track -- sorta
#65 spiritual conversations with a friend who trusts me
#66 ice cream with Stephen -- and great conversation!
#67 two hours with the younger boys gone so I'm alone enough to think and write and read

.... and the gifts continue!

Taking the Joy Dare!

2012-01-07T00:10:00.000-05:00

I have struggled for some years now with depression. Too many losses, the hardships of life, brokenness from sin, compounding health issues, loneliness--a recipe for depression. Through it all, I have seen with unusual spiritual clarity that the refuge for my emotions, my sanity, my spirit can only be found in the Lord. There have been moments when it was so clear I could almost touch it--the only way to lose weight, master my money, guide my children, figure out how to handle the next bill is to cling to the Lord and seek His help. I lose the clarity quickly, overcome by the wind and the waves around me ... distracted from my Lord. I often tell my kids that if they can't remember too many things of which I set a good example for them, I hope at least they remember that I was always willing to try again and to start over when I was going the wrong way or was trying to do something I felt called to do.

This year, I'm trying to change my year ... my choices ... myself ... by changing my focus. I'm convinced that overcoming depression, anxiety, fear, and so on occurs by cultivating gratitude. So I'm taking the Joy Dare. I'm daily recording the things I see around me that God is giving me. I've started counting my gifts--gifts I get every day, almost hourly ... or moment by moment. They are gifts of graces, given to me by my Father. I am counting to a thousand--my Thousand Gifts--and beyond. In my first week, this is the start of my list:

a NEW year filled with hope
enjoying worship together with all three of my boys
favorite old movies filled with memories and emotions
hearing God's voice in sermons and scripture
a beautiful, warm, sunny first day of the year
an afternoon nap
a kitty sleeping on the bed next to me
new beginnings
a second visit with Jackie and Gracie
changes in Grace--she's growing up!
recognition of returning to the ruts in my life.
first coffee of the year with Carrie
a camera to borrow
holding a warm, purring kitty (obviously not ours!)
Stephen waking me to "put me to bed."
a warm, safe house on a cold night
being trusted with the trials of people I love.
Smooth sheets and soft warm blankets
a turkey feast with my kids!
listening to the boys playing PS3 together and laughing
LEFTOVERS!!! (Means I don't have to cook!)
an 11-year-old who can make breakfast!
glimpses of character growth in Josh
remembering to pray with Andrew
a lazy day AND
forced return to the routine and to work
my brown eyes that look for the best in things
my affectionate, sensitive, very physical body language
a completely and totally God-given ability to look into scripture and see connections, relationships, and applications
a NEW attempt to read through my Bible in 2012, with NEW expectations of success
excitement, anticipation, appreciation in the boys eyes as I try again to make food from scratch regularly
spiritual growth in a young man's beliefs after having to let go so he could find his own path to His Father
the privilede of praying for friends in the middle of trials
a friend who finally received a successful heart transplant
a kid who loves being outside riding his bike
electricity and water paid up!
Caramel Banana Pie
the change purse Papa brought me from Nepal ... where the Gospel is so needed.
groceries!
encouragement and hope from the Gospel that is never far from my thoughts

...and counting!

If you'd like to join me, try starting with the January Joy Dare, in addition to other things that the Lord shows you throughout the day.

Perilous Gift Giving and the Perfect Gift

2011-12-22T13:47:00.002-05:00

I have always beenfascinated with the first witnesses to Jesus' arrival here on Earth. They arejust not the people you would have expected deity to be presented to. Acarpenter and his teenage wife. Some dirty outcast shepherds. Foreign gentilestarwatchers. An aged priest and widow, long past their prime and importance.There were no nobles, no religious leaders, no government leaders by themanger. Just simple people, overlooked or held in contempt by most.

God set the stagewith a theme that would continue throughout the New Testament. All of Jesuslife, He would enter into the lives of the poor, the desperate, the rejected,the unclean, the irreligious, the sick, and so on. Even foreignerswould have encounters with Jesus which would give them opportunity to know theOne true God, and His Son sent to redeem them from their sin. No one expectedthe Messiah to come in such a way … and yet … they should have. God told themit would be this way.

The prophet Isaiahsaid "The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on thoseliving in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned …. For unto us achild is born, unto us a son is given,

and the governmentwill be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, MightyGod, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace." (Isaiah 9:2, 6) We live in a world wherethe shadow of death is constantly evident. The fruit of the fall from innocenceis a teenager facing a life-threatening illness in a hospital room. It is alonely widow, whose children live far away and are too busy to realize theirmother's grief. It's single moms struggling to make ends meet, struggling toraise kids while working full time, struggling to keep their heads above water.Life in a sin-struck world is hard and messy and lonely, and it has been sincethe first sin corrupted God's beautiful creation. Then the Light dawned.

God Himself enteredinto our mess, not with the glory and recognition He deserved, but withsimplicity, and the witness of people like you and me. All his life,Jesus entered into the misery and pain of those around Him. He wept with thegrieving, touched the sick, fed the hungry, taught the confused. It was onlythrough sharing their painful, difficult lives that the Savior could bear theirburdens … and their guilt.

"After thesuffering of his soul, he will see the light [of life] and be satisfied; by hisknowledge my righteous servant will justify many, and he will bear theiriniquities." (Isaiah 53:11)

Matthew tells usthat "in the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and theWord was God …. In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. The lightshines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it …. And the Wordbecame flesh and dwelt among us." (Matthew 1:1, 4, 5, 14.) God didn't justsend us words, because words weren't enough for us to understand. He sent usHis word in the flesh; He sent us Jesus. Jesus was His best gift, wrapped up insimple packaging, and yet shining with a blinding light in spite of it.

Before Jesusreturned to heaven for a little while, He commanded His followers to share Hisgood news--His gospel. Often I find that command intimidating, because I'm notone who comes up with words easily when I'm talking to people. I never feellike I know what to say, and so sharing the Gospel seems difficult. But as Ilook at the way God shared His good news, I realized that what I'm called to dois not merely to tell the good news, butto share it. I'm called to share what Ihave with the family struggling to pay their bills. I'm called to cry with themom whose son is rebelling and getting into trouble. I'm called to carrygroceries with the ailing elderly couple across the street. I'm called tolisten to what most consider mundane chattering by the socially awkwardoutcast. I'm called to enter into thedifficulty and suffering of other people's lives, and to DO what I can torelieve their suffering. Then I'm called to tell them it is because Jesus gaveso much to me that I want to care for them.

Sharing the Gospel is so muchmore than telling people about Jesus, it's showing them Jesus. And it's hardand messy and expensive. It costs me time, money, emotional vulnerability, andhumility. It is dangerous and risky. But isn't giving any good gift a littlerisky? Doesn't any good gift worth giving cost me something valuable? Isn't theGospel a gift worth offering to those who don't have it?

Redeeming a Shame-filled Heritage

2011-12-02T08:33:00.001-05:00

It is not unusual tofind that the genealogy of Jesus is skimmed over at Christmas time. We areeager to get to the miraculous conception and the baby in the manger, and wehurry through all those difficult names and messy, sin-filled lives. Weconsider those men sort of insignificant - extras in the cast of a wonderfulstory. Personally, I love to linger over those names as I prepare for theChristmas story. I've always loved the thought that the people mentioned werereal live breathing people, with jobs and families, feelings and dreams. Someof them I know well, because chapters of scripture are written about them, butsome are mysterious, and I wonder what their lives were like. For yearsI've wondered with amazement at thewomen mentioned in Jesus' genealogy - Tamar who seduced her father-in-law tohave a child, Rahab the Jericho harlot who saved the Israelite spies, Ruth theMoabitess who loyally served her Jewish mother-in-law, and Bathsheba whocommitted adultery with a king. None of them are actually women that Jewish lawand tradition would have considered upright and praiseworthy, but each, in herbrokenness and sin, was made worthy because God chose them to be a part of Hisown Son's earthly story.

Then it hit me thismorning. One of the first sacrifices Jesus made for us was to identify with aheritage of people who had messy, complicated, and very sinful lives. It wasn'tjust the women who were "disreputable" in some way, it was ALL of thepeople mentioned. Idolaters, adulterers, murderers, liars, cheaters, cowards,thieves … the list goes on and on. Even though some of the men mentioned wereconsidered righteous by God, even those men committed some pretty awful sins.These were the men that the holy, righteous, good Son of God identified Himselfwith. He set aside His very identity as the only Son of God, and exchanged itfor a genealogy of men and women who were known for their shortcomings,weaknesses, and sins. That horrifies me … and at the same time I find greatcomfort in it. To think of the burden Jesus bore at being related to suchpeople almost embarrasses me. But then I realize that it is because of thisthat I can understand and accept His willingness to identify Himself with me.It fills me with awe that God is able to use even MY weak, broken, sinful lifeto bring about great things, because He has used lives like mine forgenerations past to bring about the full revelation of Himself in His Son.

There is greatcomfort for me in this list of men and women. As I look at this long list ofnames and see among them men who failed as fathers, I realize that God canbring about good for and from our children, even when we fail. As I see men andwomen marked through generations for their sins I realize God can use sinnerslike me. As I pick out names of no ones, I see that God is able to use simple,unremarkable people for great glory and blessing. God brings good out offailure and sin. God brings blessing to those who don't deserve it. God usesthe weak and broken to show His strength. That is the whole message in theChristmas story.

There is one moresurprise in this "boring list of names." We live in a world wherefamilies are divided and filled with disputes and dissension. In brokenfamilies husbands and wives fight, control over children is argued over, andchildren are left trying to figure out how to put together a genealogy ofparents, step-parents, half-siblings, live-in boyfriends or girlfriends, etc.Joseph had no actual claim to the paternity of Jesus, and he knew it. And yethere in Matthew God does not dispute Joseph's lineage in the story of His Son,but proclaims it. God used the illegitimate relationship of Joseph to fulfillHis very true and legitimate prophecies of His Son's genealogy. It makes sense.None of us are really "legitimate" children of God; we are alladopted. We are only made legitimate by God's One and Only Son. The only Onewho could claim His true paternity was of God was Jesus, yet instead ofclinging to this identity and keeping it for Himself, He shared it. Isn'tsharing Jesus and opening up our homes - our families - one of the best giftswe can give to those who don't have Him?

The Power of Desperation

2011-11-16T11:16:00.001-05:00

Based on Matthew 9:24-34

She had a slow, steady hemorrhage. We aren't told why. I've always heard it presented as a medical condition, but we don't know. Perhaps she tried to abort a baby. Perhaps she continued to choose to live with an abusive husband. Perhaps she didn't have a choice but to live with him. We don't know if her continuous bleeding was the result of some natural consequence of living in a fallen world, or if it was the consequence of her own personal sins. We just know she suffered … and nothing she had tried could cure her. In fact, she got worse.

She was at the point where she would try anything, because she had already tried everything. What she had already tried had caused more suffering, in addition to the suffering of not curing her. Then she heard about Jesus. I wonder what went through her mind. Was she skeptical that he might be able to help her? Did she consider, for just a moment, the effort might be too great to face another disappointment? Did she wonder what additional suffering His methods might cause? It had been over a decade, and she had only gotten worse. After a decade, you begin to believe that things really cannot change. Those beliefs war with hope.

But she was desperate for change. Desperate to live again. Desperate to worship and socialize without the stigma of being unclean. So seeing one more chance, even if it was only a small chance, she chose to take it. She had to do it secretly. A man as important as the Rabbi would never touch a woman like her--would never sacrifice his spiritual cleanliness. And after all, she was only a woman, not someone of importance like the Synagogue ruler He was helping when she came upon Him. Her skeptical friends and family might try to discourage her. She had heard amazing stories … stories that couldn't be true … but if they were … she wouldn't even need to get his attention ...would she?

It didn't take great faith to reach out and touch his robe, it took great desperation and a little faith. It took full awareness of the insufficiency of her own weakness, and certainty that He was her last hope. Bolstered by the stories she overheard as she tried to press through the crowds of people all wanting to see the Master, touch the Master, talk to the Master, she crept closer and closer, pushing back nervousness and restraining excitement. Again, I wonder, what went through her mind? "He doesn't even have to know that I touched Him." "I don't even have to bother Him." "He is enough to heal even a woman like me."

She didn't expect much from Him--no time, no eye contact, no words, not even His own touch back. At the same time, in an instant, she expected the world from Him. Complete healing was impossible ...but she had heard that He revived a dead man. He was One who had done the impossible, hadn't He? Could He do it for her? Would He do it for her? So crawling on her knees through a sea of legs, she pushed into the crowd hoping no one would recognize her and push her away, and she reached out her hand … and she touched the hem of His robe.

She didn't slowly recover. She didn't need an expert opinion. We are told that she instantly knew she was well. She wasn't the only one who knew. Jesus knew too. And although He stopped to look for her … to ask for her … I'm not entirely sure He needed to do those things to find her. He was God, knowing all things, and yet He asked her to come forward. She hadn't taken anything from Him that He was unwilling to give, but He wanted to give her more. She thought that her greatest need was freedom from her physical suffering, but Jesus wanted to free her for more. He wanted to free her to know Him, and to know how much He loved her … loved healing her.

Inching toward Him to touch His robe must have seemed a simple feat as her fear mounted at His question. It would have been so easy to walk away--after all there was a huge throng around Him and even His disciples were urging Him to move on to the Synagogue ruler's home. But just as she knew He had healed her, she knew He was looking for her, and she couldn't run away from Him. So she fought against her fear, stepped forward, and confessed to being the one who had drained Him of His healing power. Had she compromised the possibility of the rich man's daughter being healed? Had she made this esteemed Rabbi unclean? What judgment would she see when she looked in His eyes? Could she look in His eyes? No. She fell at His feet to beg for His mercy. She confessed to being the one who touched Him, in a crowd full of people who were touching Him.

I wonder at what point she looked up at Him. Did she hear His words first, or did she steal a glance, and get to watch as He spoke to her? Knowing Jesus, He gave her more than she had hoped for. Not just healing through the touch of His robe, I like to think He bent down, looked her in the eyes, put His gentle hand on her shoulder and spoke to her with the tenderness of a Rescuer. I know that He saw more than a woman who wanted to be healed from a physical disease, because He pronounced freedom from all of her suffering. No longer would she feel like an outcast. No longer would she feel like a burden. No longer would her draining hemorrhage feel like a drain on all who came into contact with her. She was whole. Because Jesus healed her, she was well, and she could live in joy and peace. She could always remember … she was loved.

Wrestling with Divorce . . . Again and Again

2011-08-27T22:40:00.000-04:00

There are terrible things that happen in life that leave us forever marked--scarred by sin and slightly more aware of our complete dependence upon God. Divorce is definitely one of those things. My journey through it was awful . . . and eye-opening . . . and a source of many lessons and of incredible wisdom that I find myself using now to encourage others. It seems as if lately there is a spike in the threat of divorce against married friends of mine, and I find myself drowning again in the messiness and heartbreak of it.
Much of what I have been taught about divorce is based on several passages in scripture. It seemed so clear to me when I was younger and even pretty clear when I went through my own separation and divorce. But after a decade of listening to stories from others, of seeing complicated situations, and aching with dear friends over decisions they didn't want to have to make but were forced into, I've learned so much more about applying God's Word to such a messy choice.
I don't want to confuse anyone. I DO believe that God's Word is to be taken literally. I believe that it is the supreme and final source of guidance in any situation because 2 Timothy 3:16 says it is. I think I've just come to realize that as sin compounds and collides with the sins of others, often the clean application of God's Word doesn't seem as easy as it does in simpler circumstances.

I do believe that God never wants divorce--that it is a very last resource to be used carefully by believers in very specific circumstances. However, I also believe that while man looks on the outward appearance, God looks at the heart. I have heard stories of people who divorced under "biblical allowances," and at that particular time it was clear from the way they expressed themselves and pursued it that divorce was not being used for the purpose that I believe God has given us laws--to draw us closer to Him and to reconcile relationships between sinners. I also wrestle with some of the specifics of the few New Testament passages that instruct us on divorce. What does it mean for an unbelieving spouse to "leave"--are we talking physically, legally, or relationally? What about a professing "believer" who leaves, initiates divorce and doesn't repent? How do you know he was really a believer? Are marriage and divorce even things that God has given the state the right to regulate, or is there some higher law that He governs? There are just so many things I don't understand.

So I come to it like this. It is my DUTY as a sister in Christ to confront sin that I see, supporting it from scripture. I do that because I know how dangerous sin is--it is a slippery slope straight to hell, and into an abyss of feeling abandoned by God. Willful and continued sin dishonors God and makes His name which we as believes bear a mockery instead of something of wonder and awe. However, because sin is very, very messy . . . because it quickly becomes complicated, and is compounded by the confusion and consequences of tons of sins committed by all of us sinners, all converging upon each of our lives, there are many times it is hard for me to tease apart another person's specific sins from those of others. Only God can see an individual's heart. I have to trust Him to be better than I am at convicting you and drawing you away from what is devastating.

For those put in the difficult place of considering divorce, my counsel would be first of all to pray FERVENTLY about every decision you make. Pray for Him to close the doors and prevent you from doing something if it is not His will. While godly counsel and submission to church leadership is ESSENTIAL, you must also seek and follow the Holy Spirit's leading, being very careful to try to discern your motives. Because separation and divorce are so emotionally and personally charged, move slowly if you can, and be prepared at any time to wait or stop if the Lord so directs you. DON'T worry about the money or risks if you feel like He is slowing you down or stopping you. Just trust Him to provide or to perform a miracle! I can attest that even though there were a few times in my process that I was very unsure about the biblical legality of what I was doing (although my church leaders and wise friends assured me I was justified), eventually the Lord took the whole thing out of my hands and worked it out so I didn't and still don't have to wonder about my role in the process. Finally seek restoration and repentance at all cost. Even if you don't feel like it, even if you don't think it's what you want, pray for what would best reveal Christ in your life and to the world. It is amazing what God can do to repair our emotions even when we think we are past the point of forgiveness and healing.

One image that has kept coming to me as I've wrestled with this was that our God, who DESPISES human sacrifice, commanded one of His own people to sacrifice his son. Abraham obeyed right up until God stopped his hand with the knife in it. Sometimes God asks of us things that don't make sense with what we know about God and His commands, but He wants us to do what is right, so He will not let us go too far if we are sincerely pursuing what He wants and instructs us to do. It is really up to you and God to try to discern your heart's motives and desires, and to bring them into submission to Him. Thankfully, He is a God of grace and mercy, forgiving us of our sin. Although you will see INCREDIBLE things happen if you totally submit to God, even in those things you do not think you can give or do, He will work out His best for your life even if you cling to some of your own will and make some wrong choices.

Life Without Limits

2011-08-27T22:14:00.000-04:00

It is easy to dream about what life would be without limits. The older boys and I watched a movie last night about a man who found a drug to open the limitations of his mind so he would be Limitless. I’ve been pondering the possibilities of this for months, since the movie trailer came out. I was curious to see where it would go. What would it be like to have no limits on how we used our brains? What could we accomplish? Wouldn’t it be a great thing?

Hissssssss . . . I hear the snake. You can be like God! Although that’s what he’s saying, I know that what he means is that I can be God!

Of course imagining life without limits is nothing new. Although the movie applies this freedom to intelligence, we’ve been imagining the limitless life for as long as we’ve faced limits. Lamech boasted to his ancient peoples of the vengeance that would be visited upon anyone who harmed him. Hercules, possessing god-like strength, defied the Greek gods and attained a place on Olympus for himself. Superman walked around Metropolis as Clark Kent by day and as the hero by night.

The problem with our imaginations of limitlessness is that we dream of limitlessness with virtue. Even when Eddie Morra makes a stupid choice to take an unknown pill, to enlist the financial aid of a bookie, to lie, steal, kill to maintain his power, we are convinced it is out of necessity. But we are corrupt. We are from birth battling sin natures fully capable of the most heinous evils ever perpetuated. A limitless life in virtue would be a grand thing indeed, but what would it be like if Nero, Hitler, Saddam Hussein had been without limits? And how quickly would our baser, idolatrous, sinful natures take over were we given abilities without limits?

“Then the LORD God said, "Look, the human beings have become like us, knowing both good and evil. What if they reach out, take fruit from the tree of life, and eat it? Then they will live forever!" Genesis 3:22 (NLT)

We view limits as a curse—as something holding us back from all we can be. Is it actually a blessing not to live in sin without limitations?

Lights! Action! . . . Stillness.

2011-07-27T14:58:00.000-04:00

There have been several times in my life when I knew I was so dependent upon God that I found it easy to fast. I have done frequent, regular short fasts, and I have done more lengthy ones--one lasting even a full week. It has been a long time since I have fasted though. Lately I have cycled up and down with a sense that I am only aimlessly wandering through life. It has been hard to see a long-term purpose to my life, although I have always believed God has one for me. I have been struggling with discouragement, frustration, feelings of being overwhelmed, and hopelessness concerning my future.

Over the years, I have discovered things about myself. One of them is that when the going gets tough, Lisa just puts her fingers in her ears or sticks her head in the sand and tries to pretend for a while that she's a super-crime-fighter or a hotly pursued beauty or a witty entertaining writer. Of course nothing helps you drown out the present reality like . . . well . . . pretending, and there's nothing like escaping to a TV show or game to pretend! Over the last months (or years?) I have begun to escape more and more to my happy places. Sure enough, the pain and uncertainty of life . . . the loneliness . . . was drowned out by a world of living color and sound! Of course, eventually you have to turn the electronic devices off, or you have to try to sleep, and then you find things even worse than you left them. (Amazing how those bills and dishes pile up the more you ignore them!)

While reading the book God, I Need Help some months ago, I began asking myself some very difficult questions. Why couldn't I hear Jesus like author Linda Heaner was able to? Why was my life so unsettled? Was I really following Jesus in spite of my circumstances like I once had, or could I really say that any more? How could I constantly miss or forget all the ways God had provided for our family over the years? Over the weekend, I realized that I couldn't hear God because there was just too much noise in my life. God speaks often through His efforts to comfort us, and while I was drowning out the pain, I was drowning out the comfort too.

With great fear and trepidation, I made a decision. I would fast for a week from all electronic entertainment. No Twitter. No Facebook. No TV, movies, or DVD's. Even my iPod would only be used for music or to check necessary information (like the weather, Bible references, or the news!). I went into it praying heavily for help--I don't have a very good track record for following through on goals I set. I anticipated extreme withdrawals as I dodged any entertainment my kids were enjoying while I suffered the extreme boredom of . . . nothing.

On Monday I got up fully intending to see it through. I had made myself accountable to my boys, and I knew they would be watching to blow the whistle on me. But by the end of the first day, I was amazed at how relaxed I was. Instead of trying to figure out how to cram a half hour of quiet time into my day, I had spent the day talking to God, meditating on scripture, and thinking. Thinking! It had been a long time since I had done that. I confessed more sins than I cared to realize, and began tackling tasks I had been putting off. Instead of finding boredom, when I had "free time" I was suddenly remembering to pray for something, or to work a little on a project I had put off. School with my boys became a delight instead of a chore, and we even ate at the dinner table together one night! It was glorious! It was delightful!

I reentered the world of media with trepidation, planning to limit myself. But now here I am, months later, consumed again by the noise and lights and distractions of a media-infused life. Over and over I hear that still, small voice, wooing me . . . whispering . . .

So if your eye—even your good eye—causes you to lust, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your hand—even your stronger hand—causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. Mat 5:29-30

We think of the "big troubles" as hard to handle . . . those things that we find we have to surrender to God because we are painfully aware that we cannot manage them ourselves. But I'm slowly learning that, for me at least, it is the smallest things that are deceptive. I need God in my entertainment choices, in selecting the food I will eat, in how I respond to an angry child. I'm tempted to think I have those things under my control . . . but I don't. I suspect that it is in the little things that the world around me can see God in my life most easily, not that it's always as obvious that He is the one enabling me to be patient, kind, faithful, gentle . . . but it is in the constant evidence of those things in my life, and in their continuation in the crises, where God's character is really revealed.

Grieving the Absence of Intimacy

2011-07-27T14:35:00.000-04:00

Anyone who has experienced grief over the loss of someone they love knows that you never really just "get over" it. I have realized in the last months that I am in a different place in living as a single mother. For a long time after my separation and divorce, I grieved the loss of my best friend and the man I loved. I ached with loneliness and with the absence of a husband's counsel in difficulties and help in shouldering the work of raising three young boys. But recently I have discovered a shift in what causes this ache.

People often say to me that they don't know how I do it--homeschooling three boys, managing our home, taking care of myself, etc. After almost ten years of it, I don't even think about it being unusual anymore, and I have adjusted my expectations and routines so that the work itself doesn't seem like it's impossible anymore. Additionally my kids have grown to ages that are demanding in different ways, but they are also better able to contribute to the family needs and to offer the pleasure of more mature relationships. God has also been extremely gracious to me over the years, giving me so much support, encouragement, and counsel through covenant family in our church, people who didn't just sit on the outside and watch me try to parent alone, but who joined with me and took upon themselves my hurts, frustrations, needs, and weaknesses. It was such a huge comfort to have moms to go out with and talk to, to receive anonymous financial support when I didn't know where money would come from, or to just hear someone say "You're doing a great job." But while my previous pain was caused by grieving through loss, my new one is one that comes from a continuing lack.

I don't expect God to fill my new need in the same ways, because it is a need for deep intimacy. I ache for connection at the deepest levels--and for the resulting touches, looks, and words that come from that kind of intimacy. The problem with finding this is that you really can't have this kind of relationship with someone other than a spouse. That's what God designed marriage to fulfill! While I have friends with whom I am completely open and honest with, friends who bear the most uncomfortable aspects of being my friend (and bear it well, I might add!), there are natural limits to their availability. They have husbands, children, commitments of their own that I know I cannot be placed ahead of. Typically family might fill this empty place--parents or siblings stepping in to love and care for me, sometimes maybe a little too much--but even my family relationships are newly developing or absent as a result of parents who are no longer alive. [I retained a wonderful relationship with one set of in-laws who are now my "mom" and "dad," and are completely committed to me. However we are still developing family "history" and experience that results in deep intimacy.]

As I pose my questions to God about this new need, His answer is clear. Even in a good marriage my deepest needs for intimacy are only met through Him. I'm really struggling in my relationship with my Beloved lately--surrendering to idols time and energy that should be His, resisting His wooing, ignoring His call for my attention. Again and again, I hear Him gently reminding me that He is the only source of fulfillment. Do I believe it? I want to believe it, but no. My choices haven't changed, so really, I don't believe. The challenge before me is not to change my circumstances, nor is it to wait until God changes them, but to pray for Him to help my unbelief and to fill me with an unquenchable thirst for Him alone.

A Storyteller Without a Story

2011-07-27T09:43:00.000-04:00

Often I hear myself complaining that I don't know what it is God wants me to do. Actually, that is just not true. I have some very specific directions God has laid on my heart over the years.

I've been called to minister to women. Many, many years ago, God placed it on my heart to minister to women, and over those years, I've come to understand that this call takes on lots of different appearances. Whether it is comforting a woman facing a crises like mine, encouraging a mom to minister to her family in the way God has called her, or teaching a Junior High Bible study, I have learned that encouraging women to think and live biblically is an important calling, even if no one ever knows my name.

I've been called to raise three boys, often with only God's help. These three souls are important to Him. Maybe I don't always understand why. In the middle of one of the frequent contests to prove who is the greatest, strongest, smartest, wittiest . . . I often wonder. But these three men-in-training are very important to God and are critical elements to His plan in the work He is doing.

I've been called to be a storyteller. In wrestling with my modest photography skills, I discovered that for me photography is merely another tool to tell a story. Like words, which I love, communicating what God shows me all around me is important to me because it is something God has gifted me to do for Him. I realized it was OK that I don't have mad-skills as an artistic, creative photographer. God has enabled me to use photography and writing to tell stories and communicate His character to others.

I woke up this morning thinking about these things. I felt guilty . . . again . . . for the way I squander my time. And it hit me . . . . I've turned myself into a storyteller without a story. In striving to be whatever I see that other people are . . . in trying to shut out the painful suffering of the lessons God is teaching me (so I can share them with others) . . . I've neglected the very things He has given me to do. So I'm repenting again. Deciding to write again. Attempting to view my meanderings and trailblazings in this land of teenage boys as my God-given wilderness where He has placed me to display His goodness and glory.

Repenting and setting out . . . again.

2010 Christmas Meditation #1

2010-12-12T14:02:00.002-05:00

For years I thought that Christmas was about the perfect family holiday, full of traditions, and food made only once a year, and the perfect gifts, and everyone you love around you all happy and enjoying one another. After I was married and had a home of my own, I worked tirelessly (OK, I actually was VERY tired) to create the perfect holiday traditions for my family, incorporating some of my own childhood traditions with my husband's, and some of our own ideas as well. When the kids came along, I renewed my efforts to weave together the real meaning of Christmas with our own special ways of celebrating it and enjoying one another. Of course, every year, I got to Christmas day with those few things still unfinished, with a couple presents forgotten--it wasn't perfect, but it came close. Or did it? Our first Christmas with our first baby was also the first Christmas after my mom went home to be with the Lord. One Christmas my husband completely missed Christmas day because he had food poisoning. Many Christmas celebrations found my husband out working his beat as a sheriff's deputy, or us rushing from one family member's house to another's, ending the day exhausted.

For years I thought I knew what God wanted me to have in the way of a "perfect" family. Oh, not perfect in the sense of sinless, but living our lives together biblically and growing in our love and service of Jesus and one another. I worked very hard to be what I thought was the "perfect" wife and mother. I tried to encourage my husband to be the best he could be and I also tried to show grace and forgiveness when he wasn't (because I knew full well I wasn't!) I read books to become a better mother, a better housekeeper, a better Christian. I made lists and tackled goals. Life was moving along beautifully, or so I thought. Then one tragedy hit after another--the losses of my parents, and my marriage, debilitating health issues, the slow dwindling of my financial security until I was living on manna from heaven--life became very hard, and I felt all the time like I was barely keeping things together. I watched as my family moved from what I thought was "perfect" to what seemed to be barely functional. This was not what I had grown up expecting! This was not what I wanted, or what I thought God had planned for me.

I was reflecting on the beginning of the Christmas story today.

Oh what a precious promise,
Oh what a gift of love;
Joseph makes his choice to do
What few men would have done:
To take Mary as his bride,
When she's already carrying a child
That isn't his own.
Oh what a precious promise;
Mary and the child will have a home.

(Precious Promise, by Steven Curtis Chapman)

Mary was a simple Jewish girl. She had lived a "perfect" life--simple and reverent, awaiting the day she would marry and have a perfectly simple home and family. God's plan for her was anything but simple.

Joseph was an earthy carpenter. He had lived an industrious life, perfectly suited to a man of the working class. It had come time for him to marry, and he had chosen well--a simple girl, from a simple family, but perfect for him. Life was moving along beautifully, of so he thought. God's plan was anything but simple, anything but expected . . . but it was perfect.

God's plan for Mary and Joseph wasn't the common, expected plan for a young, simple Jewish couple--work, family, life, faith. It turned their lives upside down. It brought challenges into their lives from every front. Their friends and family thought they were scandalously sinful and probably even crazy. They ran from government oppression for which their baby was the cause. They had to leave everyone they loved at a time when those dear people would suffer extreme loss and grief. They had to leave a home, and an established occupation, and travel long distances with a young baby. They had to try to parent every other kid they had in the shadow of a perfect one, and they had to deal with their own sinful parenting in contrast to a sinless child (Ugh! The thought of that makes me glad I was the one chosen!) Eventually they would have to watch as their son was rejected, persecuted, gossiped about, and Mary would even have to watch her completely innocent son put to death on a cross. They had to wrestle with all of the worst of humanity in glaring contrast to the perfection of heaven, and up close they had to watch as humanity rejected what they knew was holy. Life did not seem perfect after they became the parents of the baby Jesus. It was hard and painful.

Once again today, I was reminded that the Christmas story was not about a lovely little tradition tied up in a pretty bow. The gorgeous nativity scenes we set out in our homes were not what the presence of littered hay, and animals, some dirty travel gear, and the remnants of childbirth would have looked like. The scent of cinnamon and spice candles does not accurately represent the stench of a lowly Galilean stable where a baby had just been delivered. The aftermath of the birth of this holy king did not glow even as the shepherds knelt and the star shown down. The long years after the baby arrived most certainly did not seem to unfold perfectly as anyone else would have planned. But then, perfection couldn't look like anyone would have expected it to, because this world was far from perfect. The world was corrupt, sinful, painful, and awful as the glory, beauty, and perfection of heaven was poured into it.

What was perfect was the baby held in the new parents' arms. What was perfect was the plan no one expected--a plan written by a perfect God from before time began. What would be perfect was what God brought out of the imperfect world after Jesus came. My life . . . your life . . . on their own--they aren't perfect. But with Jesus they are exactly what God planned for them to be, and that makes it perfect. Christmas isn't about a perfect tradition, it's about a messy one. When I don't get my decorations up "on time," when I struggle to smile because I miss family members and traditions that only I remember, when I can't buy presents for my own kids . . . it's exactly the kind of life that Jesus came to be a part of--a messy, troubled, painful, imperfect one. A perfect God came into a very imperfect world, and I am a part of the miracle that He is still working today revealed in that one event 2000 years ago. That is a reason to celebrate. That is Christmas.

Remember, I'm the Bride?

2010-11-29T00:22:00.000-05:00

"An excellent wife who can find?

Her worth is far above jewels

The heart of her husband trusts in her

And he will have no lack of gain."

Proverbs 31:10 (from verses 10-31)

During the year of my engagement to be married, I memorized Proverbs 31:10-31, aspiring to be that kind of wife and mother. Over the years, God would bring the passage back to my mind, convicting me of neglect or encouraging me in my efforts. After my husband and I divorced, the scripture became a knife, reminding me painfully of days when I was full of hopes and dreams, and contrasting them with the chaos that has seemed to characterize my life in the last decade. Yet every time the enemy of my soul snidely reminds me that I "failed" as a wife, and might be "failing" as a mother, the still, sweet voice of my Beloved interrupts, reminding me that "He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow." (Deut 10:18) When my husband abandoned me, God stepped in and took his place. He is my husband, and I am His bride.

When I think of my role this way, it relieves a lot of pressure. I am worth more than precious jewels to him--I am His treasure! Over the years, I have slowly learned to consider God this way. When I make a dumb mistake, I often find myself remembering how my husband would show me grace, even though he wasn't condoning the mistake. God's tenderness and love are even stronger, so I try to consider what my husband would have told me, and listen to that. Sometimes that means returning the foolish purchase, but sometimes it is just a caution to be more careful next time. Or I remember how he would have encouraged me to do something good for myself instead of pinching the pennies like normal. Most of all, I remind myself to go to my Beloved for answers, for provision, for help. He wants to help me because He loves me!

One of the lies the enemy of my soul uses against me is that all my failures, sins, and weaknesses are "messing up" what God has given me to do. But the heart of my Beloved trusts in me! And because of Him, there is no lack of gain to Him because of me! I'm not the comely outcast that barely made it into His graces, I'm His beautiful bride, beloved by Him and elevated to the status of wife! I've been given the place of coworker and coheir! He only expects of me what He knows I am capable of, and what He has designed for me to do. If I don't do more than that, He's still satisfied!

"Listen, O daughter, consider and give ear.

Forget your people and your father's house!

The KING is enthralled by your beauty!

Honor Him, for He is your Lord." Psalm 45:11

What I Would Have Said

2010-11-22T15:57:00.000-05:00

Last year our church began a new tradition of having a Thanksgiving service the Sunday evening before Thanksgiving. We come together and sing and there are open mics for those who want to share what God has done for them during that year. I am always humbled as I hear more stories of healing and of faithfulness through continued sickness, of restored marriages, of the provision of jobs. I love hearing kids who are grateful for families, schools, and friends--I was one of those not long ago (OK. Longer than I care to admit.), and it is an amazing testimony to realize extremes in God's protection of you as a child. I am usually a pretty outgoing soul, and I love my share of the spotlight, but I have not been eager to get up on these couple of occasions. It's not that I'm not grateful, because God has done so many things for me, big and small. I'm just not sure what to say. How can I get up and share in only a few minutes the vast number of things that God has done for me in the course of a year.Tonight I was trying to form my thoughts, but for me it's so much easier to write it.

I grew up in a large gregarious extended family. Every holiday or birthday I was surrounded with aunts, uncles, and cousins. I had a very close-knit neighborhood, where the kids banded together and created adventures, the grown-ups had regular yard sales, and we were in and out of each others' homes and lives constantly. Even my church was a tight group--my parents were always going to another couple's home or having kids from a family in the church to spend the night. My family was pretty close to ideal--including sit-down meals, yearly vacations, PTA meetings, and parent sponsored parties. Life was safe and comfortable and full of relationships. It isn't surprising that I married into the same kind of family. My husband's immediate family was full of brokenness, but his extended family relationships were very similar to mine--loud, busy, loving, and involved with each other. I felt completely at home with them. It was my every intention to raise my kids just the same way, in the middle of their very large, very busy, very relational family.

God's plan for them and for me was different. Over the years, my big extended family grew and changed, and some estrangements and grudges weakened the involvement with each other. He took my mother home to heaven just after my first son was born. Later He took my husband from our home when we divorced, and with it some of the family I loved. Not long after that my sister moved to the far away northern United States, and my dad was also called home to heaven. Suddenly I was left feeling very alone, an orphan AND a widow. I struggled for years with depression and anxiety, and as a result health issues plagued me. I couldn't sleep well, and over time my ability to think and focus weakened. I had severe bouts of loneliness as the many-times-over promised new husband never appeared on my doorstep. All along I wondered why after years I was still hurting so, whether God would ever heal my aching heart, and who would take care of me when I couldn't.

But let the godly rejoice. Let them be glad in God's presence. Let them be filled with joy. Sing praises to God and to his name! Sing loud praises to him who rides the clouds. His name is the LORD-- rejoice in his presence! Father to the fatherless, defender of widows-- this is God, whose dwelling is holy. God places the lonely in families; he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy. But for rebels, there is only famine and distress. Psalm 68:3-6

The truth is, God prepared my life for these dark years even before I entered them. He had peppered it with older women who mentored me and loved me along the way, and they quickly stepped in at different points to offer their unique gifts of prayer, hospitality, comfort, counsel, and many others. God brought a special young woman into my life--a young mother who piqued my curiosity even before we were friends--who consistently spoke truth into my life and loved me even when I was more than a little unlovable. He gave me a mother-in-law and father-in-law who would so grow in their love for Him that they would let their own son go the way he wanted and refuse to desert me just because he didn't want me any longer. He almost literally surrounded me with families who repeatedly have said to me that they love me, they believe in me and in the choices I've been making (even when some have been foolish!), and that they will respond to God's leading when He chooses to provide for me through them. He's given me prayer warriors, counselors, moms with shoulders for crying on, and brothers in Christ who correct my female notions of how to raise boys. Many of these individuals and families have not stuck with me for a few months, or even a couple years, they have been with me all along, and continue to declare their love for me over and over again. They stick by me because we are joint heirs in a covenant sealed with Christ's blood, and I have found it is a covenant thicker than water, and even more than the usual blood.

It is still not unusual for me to still struggle with bouts of self-pity as I succumb to the loneliness and hugeness of being a single mom, but it is rare for me to get lost in it for long. God is still busy on my behalf, raising up women and couples and families who love me and my boys like we are their own family, because they understand that we are . . . for eternity. So if I could have shared what I am thankful for this year, it would have been that even though my story didn't end with the magical marriage reconciliation, or a new husband who treasures me, it still ended with the miracle of family--the kind God sets the lonely in, and the kind that bears with you in love. It is the kind of family that makes me long for heaven, when I will enjoy family at its fullest and best!

The Sincerest Form of Flattery—and Worship!

2010-02-01T01:25:00.000-05:00

When I moved into the stage of parenting toddlers, I was quickly convicted of some weak areas in my life. Words I said, habits I had, even what I liked to eat . . . all were imitated by my children. It was one thing to hear a slightly off-color word out of the mouth of an adult, or maybe even a teen, but to hear it from a two-year-old made my skin crawl. Something inside me innately knew it was wrong, but my age and exposure to the world had dulled my sense of it being wrong even for me. I think I expected that as my children grew, they would become more independent thinkers, less likely to imitate what they see and hear, but that is actually not true at all.

Right now, my teenagers are downstairs playing "Ninja" on each other. They are quoting funny "Mythbuster" lines because that is what we just watched. I have laughed at them as they watch shows studying it for cool or funny lines and repeating them ad nauseum for days afterward. It was funny when one of my kids informed me that his goal in life was to be able to converse completely in movie quotes (and I think he's there!). Recently we listened to some Bill Cosby comedy, and in just a hearing or two, they completely memorized the routines. I've come to realize that everyone--young children, teens, and even adults--imitate what surrounds them. How often do we find ourselves using coloquial expressions: "Right on!" "Like . . . totally!" "Dude!" and lately "Seriously?" or "Totally awesome!" (said with a high pitched squeal on the "awesome")

We are creatures made to imitate what we admire.

We return again and again to what we admire, cutting grooves into our minds that match the messages we see and hear. Not only are we creating thought and belief patterns in our own minds, but also in the minds of those we have in tow with us—especially our kids—who are watching and learning too. As I enter further into the task of parenting teenagers, I'm very concerned about ways that I've failed to understand and apply that principle earlier in the lives of my children. For whatever reasons (or excuses), I have allowed influences into their lives unintentionally, without thinking through what they would admire, love, and imitate. I've had to sacrifice some of my goals and plans for them, because I myself derailed those goals by not being intentional about using exposure and influence to shape their passions and their character. I wish that I could go back in time and do things differently, but I'm comforted by the truth that in God's plan there is no plan B, and everything that I've done, intentionally or unintentionally, is a part of His plan A.

I’m currently working through Louie Giglio’s study Wired: for a Life of Worship with my Jr. High girls, and I’m so convicted of the way that imitation is actually a sign of worship. As I study, I’m hoping to write more on what I learn about worship and about the things that influence us.

10-10 in 2010

2010-01-12T01:55:00.003-05:00

If you've followed my blog at all, it has become apparent to you that I am . . . er . . . goal-challenged. Seems like when I set a goal it ends up forgotten. It's probably on my floor somewhere with many other things being walked upon. However, I am convinced that it is not (for me) the achieving of a goal that is important, it is setting them and moving in their general direction for at least a period of time. So I'm leaping again this year. And, as I did last year, I'm dropping the bar a bit, hoping that by not setting it too high I might actually achieve what I set out to do! So here's my 2010 Goals:

10 Books I'd like to read:

When Life and Beliefs Collide
Age of Opportunity
A House for My Name
Ministry of Motherhood
Idols of the Heart: Learning to Long for God Alone
The Reason for God
UnChristian
Esperanza Rising
An Unfinished Life
another fiction yet undecided

10 Goals for My Year:

Get rid of the junk in my garage
Make curtains for my bedroom windows and hall
Learn to cook (really cook)
Organize my schoolroom
Research and tentatively plan getting my Master's Degree
Get away for my birthday with some of my girlfriends
Study the book of Romans (or at least part of it)
Double my income (find a work-from-home job?)
Lose 25 pounds
Renew my relationship with my most Beloved

Easy goals right? Should be a piece of cake. Stay tuned. My life reads like a bad comedy (filled with a lot of God's grace!)

May Old Aquaintance NEVER Be Forgot!!!

2010-01-12T00:43:00.003-05:00

The last two weeks have brought some interesting twists into my life . . . through Facebook, of all things! Over the last year, I have loved reconnecting with old friends from high school. It has been fun to see what they are like as adults--in ways you can't really discover at a high school reunion. I have been struck by how they have changed, and how they are still the same. I've laughed at grown-up outlooks on life that we never thought we'd have when we were carefree teenagers. And I've realized that many of the quarrels and conflicts and things that divided us were really not worth all the angst they brought on us.

In the last couple of weeks I've begun brainstorming and searching for old friends from the churches I've attended over the many years. It has been very rewarding to find one of the first students I ever had in Sunday School--she was first grade the last time I saw her. Now she's 26, and a very beautiful young woman! When I was 22, she was my 6-year-old best friend (and I took a lot of teasing from my husband for that!). I've found friends, former pastors, kids I knew . . . and it has brought back a flood of wonderful memories. Best of all, it has given me some insight into what life is like when lived in community with believers. Until I started corresponding with some of these people, I didn't even realize how very much my heart had missed them, or how much I still love them because of the relationships we formed long ago! One of my status comments was about how big a party heaven will be because of all the reunions going on there! I truly cannot wait!!!

I've also rediscovered how totally worthwhile pouring your life into others is! I have run into people online that I know shaped who I am and what I believe, and I'm SO grateful for the things they taught me, for the way they loved me, and for the grace they showed this headstrong young woman! I've glimpsed how my willingness to teach Sunday School, work with teens, play with babies, and hang out with families has shaped a little of who these people have become. Most of all, because of our mutual love of the Savior, I've seen that twenty years of joys, pain, triumphs, disappointments, mundane routine, and pushing through the next thing have not marred the sense of kinship I feel toward these brothers and sisters in Christ. Living in the family of God is a wonderful place to be, and I'm in awe of the protection and provision God has afforded me in His body.

Meditation #4: Christmas Chiaroscuro

2009-12-19T12:46:00.000-05:00

"The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death, a lgiht has dawned." Isaiah 9:2

I remember many years ago puzzling over why Christmas could be so hard for some people. Why couldn't people just "get into" the season? Why couldn't they focus on the real meaning of it, and forget whatever was hard? After several traumas, and some choices of my own (good choices, but not without consequences), Christmas took on a whole new feel for me several years ago. I set myself up for it. I had spoiled my kids and even spent my lifetime of Christmases caught up in the whirlwind of traditions. Suddenly, I was barely able to get out of bed each morning. My chioces about what were important for me and for my boys had left me living paycheck to paycheck, hardly able to make ends meet. Christmas made it worse, as I faced "celebrating" without the trappings I had come to love. I faced Christmas with no money, no energy, and no enthusiasm. Still I turned to the things I had always done: decorating, baking, singing songs, and even reading the Christmas story as a way to escape the sense that I was messing it all up. I have really struggled with Christmas for years now, having little sense of wonder and little anticipation of something wonderful in the holiday.

I woke this morning thinking about a terrible, stupid book I read by Lemony Snicket called "The Lump of Coal," about a piece of coal that is hoping for a Christmas miracle. Even an author as dark and vile as the author of A Series of Unfortunate Events can see that Christmas is a time for miracles. Why couldn't I? Most days I walk in a world of darkness. Oh, many of the people around me think they are enlightened, but I see through the facade. I have tasted some of the world's hopelessness in the loss of those dear to me, in the struggle to do what I think is important work, in my own struggle against the parts of me that terrify and shame me. Yet over the years, as I have tasted the devastating consequences of sin, I have also become more aware of something there that I know is real and dependable: hope. Not hope in me, because I let myself down all the time. Not hope in others, although I have come to love and appreciate the relationships I have and the kindness that people can show. I know deeply though, that my hope comes from belonging to the Most High God . . . of knowing I am His daughter and his beloved, and that even when I mess up big-time, He will use it all for my good and His glory. My hope comes alone from Christ, and everything else I experience that is good in the world is because of His hand at work upon it. In the darkest morments of my life I have sensed His presence and tasted His peace, knowing that I didn't have to understand what was going on or why I was hurting to know He was in control and loved me and was going to use it all. I know this, even if my feelings have been slower to respond to it.

A few people at the time of Christ's birth found this hope too. In the midst of a very dark time for Israel--with the rule of the violent, oppressive Romans--there were people looking for hope. Of course, they were looking for the hope that a ruler who would throw off the shackles of Roman oppression would bring. Instead, what a few found was a baby, some angels, and a star. In the midst of the dark of night, during a time of darkness in Jewish national history, in a dark and backwards place like the little village of Bethlehem, a sudden great light shone out. It was accompanied not only by a glorious angel, but by a heavenly host of them . . . enough to inspire fear in shepherds who regularly fought lions and thieves. It was proclaimed not only by a star, but by one bright enough in the dark night to impress some very well-educated, important men from faraway eastern countries. The only thing in that whole story that doesn't seem to shine is the baby, and yet in eternal eyes, he was the brightest of all, for He was God Himself. He would continue to shine through His short life: as he perfectly and respectfully obeyed His parents in everything and showed unusual compasssion for his age on the children around him, as He worked dilligently to help care for His family all the while studying scriptures and worshipping with passion, as He left His beloved family (surprising everyone) to travel and preach and care for the outcast and downtrodden, and as He exposed the hypocrisy and inconsistencies of the religious establishement of the day, urging, calling, chastising them back to true worship of the Living God. The reactions to Jesus were mixed, because he was light--the Light of the World (John 3:19-21)--and while some were drawn to it, many ran from Him or tried to extinguish Him like cockroaches when the switch is flipped.

As I awoke this morning and pondered all of this, I realized that my struggle to find purpose and meaning in Christmas has the same cause as the struggle of every person who has heard, saw, or met Jesus from the time He came here to earth until now. If I get caught up in all of the tradition, in pleasing my children, even in dutifully reading the Christmas story, even my best efforts to celebrate are like filthy rags (Isaiah 64:6). What God wants from me . . . what I was created for . . . was to live in relationship to Him, and then as an extension of that relationship to reflect His light to a dark world. If I want to celebrate Jesus' birthday, I need to do it by reflecting and celebrating Jesus Himself. It's not about conjuring up enough emotion or feigning devoutness to celebrate the season, Christmas is still about the same thing that it started as: renewing my relationship to God. I am grateful that Chrismas comes at the end of the year, because every year, regardless of my feelings I begin a new year reflecting on my Savior, on what He has given me, and on how and where I have strayed away, again, from Him. I have nothing that He really needs, but He wants me. All Jesus wants for His birthday is for me to give back to Him my heart, surrendering to the light and banishing a little more of the darknes

Meditation #3: When the Plan Looks Different Than Expected

2009-12-19T12:45:00.000-05:00

At Christmas time I often find myself puzzling over Mary. I've tasted what it is like for God's plan to turn out so different than I expected, and I wonder about her thoughts as Jesus' life unfolded before her. Surely she understood the gravity of the proclamation by the angel that she would have the Son of God. Surely she felt the weight as it dawned upon her that she would be the mother of the long-awaited Messiah. And yet, did she have doubts? Did she wonder at God's choice of her, a simple peasant girl, to give birth to one who had been proclaimed to be a great warrior-king? Even as a child he must have puzzled her. Not the conquering ruler so many had envisioned, but tender, compassionate, kind . . . and at the same time, bearing an air of authority.

Did the birth of the Messiah confuse her as much as it does us? I mean, when we really think about it. It's easy to buy the traditional story of a baby in a manger, but when we really begin to grasp that it was God in the manger, when we really start to understand the majesty and holiness of this one who had come . . . a stable seems an odd choice.

Of course, if we really study God's whole story, we see that He is a God who delights in turning things upside down. Over and over He proves to us humans that we can't apply a simple formula to life and get what we want or expect. He just doesn't work like that. He loves to make the youngest the heir, the lowly a ruler, a woman a deliverer. He loves to show His might through the weak and the broken and the hopeless.

Perhaps that is because eventually that is where we all end up: facing our own helplessness. The husband leaves. The illness ravages our body. Parents and siblings die. All of our education and training can't find us a job. When sin decimates our lives, God's stories of using humble maidens to bring a king into the world remind us that this same king conquered death and sin for us. He offers hope and life in the midst of a hard world. Only in a relationship to Him do we find satisfaction and joy.

I wonder how much of God's story Mary knew. Did she know much beyond the traditional tales of folklore that were told. Somewhere had she glimpsed the God who loved her? She was a woman who treasured up things and pondered them, so I wonder if she had pondered the truth of God's story enough to just trust that He knew what He was doing even though the plan never seemed to make sense to her.

Christmas is a time of giving to others and asking for your deepest desires. I think this Christmas I'm going to give God my attention and my worship. He deserves so much more, and nothing less. I'm going to give Him control of my life (again . . . although He never lost it). And I'm going to ask Him to draw me back into His story in the year to come. This year I would like many more glimpses of the life-giving, hope-bringing God-incarnate.

Meditation #2: Guilt By Association

2009-12-19T12:44:00.001-05:00

I am struck every year by part Joseph plays in the Christmas story. His initial reaction to the discovery that his future wife is pregnant is surprising enough--most young men I know would hardly decide to handle it quietly! I wonder how his quiet handling of the matter would have appeared if word got out in Jewish society--if that was considered the reaction of a guilty party who didn't want to admit his guilt by fulfilling the betrothal. Surely Joseph was going to be unable to "save face" by sweeping the matter under the rug. Since we, the readers, know the truth, his decision speaks volumes about his character, his tenderness toward God, and perhaps about his feelings for Mary.

But what comes next is astonishing. In a dream he is told to take Mary as his wife, and HE DOES IT!!! As I ponder this for a moment, I'm humbled. You see, my tendency with dreams is to laugh them off as odd and go on with my day. To marry a woman already pregnant, especially when he had dealt quietly with the whole affair was as good as admitting that HE was the father of the child. I cannot imagine how they would have been treated in Nazareth after this juicy bit of gossip circulated. Did Joseph's business suffer? Were they looked down upon when they went to worship? Did they worry about the neighbors treating the child--the Messiah--as inferior because of his family's dirty little secret? I wonder if they were as puzzled by this plan as I am. Yet the scriptures indicate that Joseph's obedience was immediate, and Mary and her baby found a protector. What a guy!

Such a man seems super-human, and it almost makes the story unbelievable. I admit, I have known a few men who I think of as being of that quality of character, but it still seems outrageous to imagine the cultural impact of Joseph's obedience. It was a one in a zillion pick, which of course God knew.

Then I realized tonight that in his choice of a father for Jesus, God modeled His own divine Fatherhood of His beloved children, for the very reason Jesus was coming into the world was so that God Himself could associate with sinful, willful, rebellious children who had "played the whore" and turned their backs on Him many times. While Mary's guilt was only that of appearance, and Joseph's one of association, my guilt was real. The sins I have committed against my most holy, glorious God are real, as are the consequences of that guilt that I carried. And yet, He chose to come into the world to suffer guilt by association. Throughout His life, Jesus embraced the weak, the immoral, the rejected, the imperfect, and I'm so glad He did, because it makes it easier to believe that He could love me.

It kind of hurts to think of the number of times I'm afraid to associate myself with him--afraid of the cultural impact of admitting boldly that I'm a Christian. I don't mind whispering it to those who are closest to me. I don't mind bringing it out to show when someone is in a tough spot and doesn't know where else to go. But often I fight the urge (and even give in) when associating with Christ will make me look guilty, crazy, or even just weird. So today, for Jesus birthday, I'm going to shout it! Jesus is my beloved!!! He loved me when no one could! He loved me even when He saw the things in me I hope most people never see!! He has faithfully loved me and cared for me and pursued me in my most faithless moments!

Christmas is Jesus birthday, and this year, I want to celebrate it, because He is my most beloved!

Meditation #1: A Costly Gift

2009-12-19T12:43:00.000-05:00

I've been wrestling lately with some young friends who are trying to understand God's sovereignty. It's that age-old question: If God is good and in control, WHY would He create a world, and people He loved, and even give them an opportunity to sin and to open the proverbial Pandora's box, letting destructive murderous sin into the world? How can a God who does that be called good?

"Mystery--how He came to be a man. But greater still, how His death was in His plan. God predestined that His Son would die, and He still created man. Oh what love is this? That His death was in His hands?" (Selah, "Mystery")

Suddenly I realized this morning that we're not seeing the complete picture when we ask this question. We only see a man and a woman in a beautiful garden, and an even more beautiful relationship with each other and with their God. If we only look to the separation from the simple life in the garden and the intimacy they knew, it does seem cruel that God even gave them a choice to sin. But what was God going through? He ALREADY knew what choice they would make! But more than that, He knew that with all the good things He had already given them, it was going to cost Him more! He would lose fellowship with His own precious creation for a long time! (Not to Him, I know--billions of years aren't that long compared to eternity) Moreover, He was laying His own son on the line--a part of Himself! He would be compromised in a way He had never allowed Himself to be before! He would have to watch the Holy One He loved more than any other suffer and die!

I've given gifts before that I was proud of because I knew "they'd keep on giving." I've passed over things because "they cost too much." I've received things that I knew I really didn't deserve. But wow! God watched Adam and Eve choose rebellion, and saw at the same time the unimaginable suffering it would cost HIM!!! Why would He do that?

You see, I realized that God didn't inflict suffering on us wantonly or with pleasure. He didn't simply want to humiliate us before His power or righteousness or control. The gift of life wasn't enough for Him to give. A stroll in the garden wasn't enough. He needed to give us all of Himself! He needed to have a relationship that showed the full extent of His love.

If a woman marries a rich man, and he puts her in a house filled with beautiful things, has dinner with her regularly, and takes her on luxurious vacations, will she be happy? We see often in Hollywood that even with all your basic needs met and many of your wants, a relationship devoid of intimacy and the mutual sacrificing of oneself is empty and meaningless. So knowing fully the cost of our sin--to us as well as to Himself--God gave us a choice to love Him, and at the same moment chose to love us even though we wouldn't love Him like He deserved. Several thousand years later, He loved us again, by giving us the true gift that "keeps on giving," the most costly gift, and the one with the most thought and planning put into it. The incarnate Jesus was tailor-made for us!

On Grieving

2009-10-02T01:29:00.016-04:00

I'm glad to see the month of September go. It has been one of the hardest months for me since the year after my dad died. September 9th would have been my 20th wedding anniversary. It was a mark I always dreamed of as a little girl. How differently life has turned out than I expected! Strange that although I've been divorced for seven years, it still hurts. I still have many days when I think to myself, when will it stop hurting? The truth is, that it won't stop hurting until I get to heaven.

I don't think I would have understood that a decade ago, in fact, I know I wouldn't have. Our western culture has such strange notions about grieving and loss. Once the customary couple of months are over, it is implied that it is time to start fighting the grief and move on with your life. "Make lemons out of the lemonade." Get on medication for a while until you get over the loss. Take on a hobby or new responsibilities to empower you so you will be able to take charge of your future. In truth, after the first several months you truly start to grieve. The loss becomes less surreal and more real, depression and anxiety become constant enemies, and getting out of bed seems like progress each day. To make things worse, people around you have moved on, and you often feel as if you are left to wrestle with ongoing grief alone. As odd as it is, even though there is a cultural expectation of "bouncing back," we are intuitively aware that the grief goes on. After all, who of us doesn't understand a parent who never recovers from the loss of a child? Who expects a widow to forget her husband? Who would lose an arm or a leg and not expect to always struggle with the feelings of loss and insecurity that such an amputation would create? It puzzles me then why as a people we are so unable to sustain our compassion and assistance to the brokenhearted. As a culture we don't know what to do with death and loss, especially once the funeral is over and life resumes.

From my experience, I suspect that responses are a little different to loss by death and loss by divorce. When I went through my divorce, I felt not only as if I had lost him, but as if I had died. I lost much of my sense of identity. I was no longer "his wife," and I wasn't sure what I was. Although over time I have built new experiences to draw identity from, the part of me that loved being wife, helper, lover, and best friend are still gone, and I miss them like I would miss an amputated arm or leg. Although my heart has toughened in small ways, I still have phantom pains that hit me frequently, and I find myself crying for no reason because I feel alone and rejected, and my "not-so-new life" seems overwhelming and lonely. Until you have been through a devastating loss, this ongoing grief, and the hole left in your soul are hard to understand, and sometimes hard to be compassionate toward.

I've also noticed that ongoing grieving is hard for children. Although children are very resilient, and can withstand a lot of disappointment and grief, an overwhelming loss or a series of losses can leave them wrestling with grief for years, even into their adulthood. The emotions tend to dive below the surface for a while, and the kids look fine, only to resurface later, particularly during adolescence. As much as they might try, a grieving parent is struggling through their own grief, and it is hard for them to help their children through theirs also. I can remember times after my tragedies when I was fighting to get out of bed in the morning and keep my kids fed, clothed and working on schoolwork, much less have conversations to draw out of them how they were feeling. Furthermore, I learned mostly by trial and error how to process and manage my pain; I was at a loss how to guide them through theirs.

That's not to say that ongoing grieving is a completely bad experience. Does that sound odd to say? In the last seven years, I have seen more clearly how evil, heartbreaking, devastating, and miserable our fallen world can be. I have learned to appreciate the complete wasteland that sin can make of a life, and I have come to understand that no one is guaranteed shelter from its effects. I was a "good girl." I made "good choices," was kind to other people, went to school, ate my green beans, and tried to live by my convictions. Yes, I was still with flaws and weaknesses and sins, but I followed the rules, and "life" still ran over me. Or did it? I don't believe that my losses were accidents or without purpose. In addition to the greater understanding of the evil that has corrupted the world, I am more sensitive to people who have been trampled. I'm less likely to say stupid or meaningless things to them, and more likely to find ways to really comfort them. I don't minimize pain, even when it is appears that the pain someone is wrestling with is something I would gladly exchange my pain for. I've discovered that our pain is designed for us, to expose our weaknesses and draw out our strengths.

Most of all, I've come to realize I have true hope within me. Without it, the pain would have overcome me a long time ago. I would have given up trying to get out of bed, or would have been sucked into the illusion that I was "better" by burying my grief in a flurry of activity and self-help mantras. Instead, I've come to realize that the "cure" for the depth and destructiveness of sin is Jesus. I've learned that all of the things that my heart cries out for in grief are the very things He stands waiting to be for me. I've come to know Him as everything I want and need in my life, and honestly, I've come to long to be with Him in heaven even more than I want to stay on this earth. Grieving losses, like being homesick, has made me aware that I don't belong here. Instead I belong to a different place, where all that my heart cries for is available and abundant.

Within the church, we need grieving, broken people. We need to minister to them, and we need them to teach us and remind us of the lessons they are learning. If we as Christians are going to enter the devastation of a fallen, broken world, we must learn from our brokenhearted brothers and sisters how to show compassion to such needs. We need to discover how to make ourselves vulnerable to the hurting, how to enter into their hurt in a way that compromises our own hearts and shares the pain. We need to know how to communicate hope in a winsome way that neither belittles their suffering, nor presents the Gospel as a trite, easy answer or a guarantee that they will not hurt anymore. Those in our midst need us. They need us to call often and ask if they are getting out of bed. They need us to know whether they have family or other support people to remember birthdays and holidays. They need us to love and spend time with their kids, and to take on some of the burden of shepherding their children through grief. Most of all, the world around us needs to see us caring for our wounded in a radically different way than they do. If our love is demonstrated in the way we care for our weakest members, it will be hard for the world to dismiss our Savior. And He will draw us closer to him for having his heart for the wounded.

Getting My Dream Vacation

2009-08-30T23:47:00.003-04:00

For so many years, our family vacations were to places like Disney World or Sea World. Entertaining our kids was the priority. But for about five years now, I have longed for a REAL vacation--a vacation that was as much for me as for the kids. We came close last year when the grandparents took us all to Chatanooga, and we stayed in a cabin there, but there was still touring the local sights, at a bit of a clip. There was lots of time for playing games, enjoying the mountains around us, and even watching movies together, but it was still pretty exhausting. This year, the grandparents and my sister Mary came down to us, and we vacationed at the beach. A friend let us use a beach condo, and it has truly been relaxing, and refreshing. I came with certain goals, and I must admit, I didn't fulfill them all. I really wanted to spend lots of time quiet and alone with God, but I'm having a hard time breaking out of my sinful rut of letting other things take His place. I guess I've begun to realize that time and place won't cure that. I'm just going to have to arrange my schedule to make Him first place.

But some of my goals--playing with the boys on the beach, taking a long moonlit stroll on the beach, getting up before dawn to watch the sunrise--these I've done. We have watched lots of TV together, the only thing I wish we have done less of, but it has been fun anyway. During the week while my parents and sister were here there was so much freedom for us all--Grandpa would take all the kids swimming, or Aunt Mary and I would take them down to the beach, or they'd go off with Nana and Grandpa for a while. I loved not having the plan meals or cook (Nana and Mary seem to enjoy cooking. Go figure! I was content cleaning up!) On Friday when they left to return home, the boys and I were so down, and it was hard being without them.

Yesterday, the two younger boys and I went down to the beach for the whole afternoon. We built a huge sandcastle, bathed in the ocean, buried each of the boys in the sand, and laughed and played together. It was such great fun! Today we drove down to Washington Oaks State Park and went to a rockiy shell beach. We added to our huge collection of shells, Stephen and I took photographs of the rocky beach, and we played in the water on a beach that was very different from the one we've enjoyed the week on this week. I have been amazed at how much creativity I have seen in God's creation this week--a thousand different colored shells, gentle waves, followed by rough, harsh waves, totally different skies from day to day, and so many ways to enjoy being outside in the sun and surf.

I guess I am touched that God would give me this vacation. I couldn't afford it, but God worked out the financial end. I certainly don't feel like I deserve it. I have loved it, and hate to go back to "real life," and all the decisions awaiting me there. But I feel rested and ready to work again. Hopefully all the beauty and nature around me will continue to inspire me for a while longer.

I LOVE Homeschooling!

2009-08-17T16:48:00.004-04:00

Things I love about a new year of homeschooling:

Snuggling together to pray and read the Bible. (OK. The teenager doesn't snuggle.)
The boys begging for their treat bags on the first day of school.
Eating breakfast together and TALKING!
Realizing I just got to be irritated at the nine-year-old because I had to tell him the two billionth time to sit down and do his math test. (Instead of being irritated at some stranger for bugging me!)
Hearing them read to me, and knowing I taught them to do that!
Racing from downstairs to upstairs and back again to help with problems and answer questions.
Doing my laundry and dishes while I work!
Hearing "what's for lunch?" and "is it lunch time yet?"
Stephen's jokes, Andrew's advice, and Josh's sarcastic comments.
Seeing checked off assignment sheets.
Grading math papers and realizing they've got it!
Hearing the comment, "C.S. Lewis was an amazing writer!"
Seeing the whole room stop to watch the cat try to steal beef jerky.
Laughing, giggling, playing, eating, getting mad, hugging, telling jokes, learning . . . and doing it all together!
Knowing we got through another day of school.

Hey! The Brain is Working Again!

2009-07-18T19:29:00.002-04:00

So someone mentioned to me today that I haven't been blogging lately. Hmmm . . . I thought I was. Oh wait! Once every three months doesn't really count, does it? So I'm back (for today anyway). Actually it has been hard for me to get anything done lately. For more than a year my brain had gotten progressively foggy. I would spend every day trying to stay awake and do school. I had no energy for anything, and was sleepy all the time. Gradually, I've lost all my interest in anything that required any effort, and the house and schedule (among other things) have run down into chaos. Seriously, for at least a year now I've felt I was barely keeping it together. Struggling financially ended me up on the doorstep of our church's Mercy Ministry office, and I began to receive some counsel from the director there. One of the things she had me do was change doctors. After reviewing my history, complaints and current medications, she changed my meds, has had some new testing done, and made some other recommendations. Low and behold, just changing the meds alone has helped me find my energy, not feel like I'm going to fall over asleep all day, and I'm actually feeling like getting things done, and now I'm blogging!!! Hooray! God is moving me forward again!

So this weekend was a delightful and blessed first for me. For a long time I have felt a desire to speak publicly about homeschooling, with a special interest in encouraging single moms and parents facing impossible odds to receive God's call and homeschool even when the possiblity of doing so looks bleak. This past year I began working at our local area homeschool library, and made some connections with the people in leadership of the HERI organization. Eventually I found myself volunteering to teach a "How to Homeschool" class (which I do all the time anyway for people considering it!), and so they asked me to give the seminar at the BIG convention this weekend. So yesterday, I found myself in front of about 50 new and somewhat anxious homeschoolers, walking them through the maze of choices and decisions they would be facing in the coming months as they began their own homeschool adventure. Oddly enough, I never got nervous, never felt uneasy, and I loved it!!! I had several people share that they were encouraged (Thank you, Lord!!!), and hopefully many more were blessed with information they wanted, and encouragement they needed even more. (Sheesh, if I can homeschool, almost ANYONE can!) Best of all . . . I unexpectedly got a $$$ thank you from HERI! (But of course, I spent it at the Convention.)

Even more unexpectedly, I asked some questions and got a lead on an area of curriculum development in which there is NOTHING. It's something I've already started writing and teaching, so I just have to dedicate time to developing it further and have to do some research to find out about the process of preparing curriculum for publishing and getting it published. Who knows, perhaps by next summer I'll be teaching a Vendor class!! Cool, huh? All this challenge to consider writing curriculum at a time when I'm getting a little desperate for some paying work has stimulated my desire to write at all, so I'm taking a look at some other projects I had started and will be forging ahead on some of them as well. Of course, by the time some of you read this, my ADD will be in full-force, and I will have forgotten my drive to write and will be back in my rut and not blogging again. But one can hope that won't happen, right?

So now I'm off to bounce from project to project. Wow. I really need a writing schedule and some goals, don't I?

A Special Twelve Years!

2009-05-28T00:35:00.002-04:00

My dearest Stephen,

Have you noticed that lots of great things come in 12's? Eggs come by the dozen. Twelve inches makes a whole foot! There were twelve tribes in Israel, and twelve disciples, so the number twelve was important to God too! This year marked a dozen years I've had with you. Wow! As always, money was tight this time of year--it always is with the end of the school year and beginning to prepare for the next year. Of course, a major difference this year was that we didn't go to the homeschool conference on Memorial Day weekend, so we were home to celebrate your birthday. Only . . . I didn't have any money. It was hard to watch you so excited, when I knew I wouldn't be able to do anything until the day OF your birthday. I couldn't prepare ahead . . . no presents, no cake, no decorations. Even the planning lacked a little as I have struggled to get through the end of the school year, complicated even more by all the events in your brother's year at the Academy. So there I sat on Friday morning after dropping your brother at school. I was trying to figure out how to redeem the day and make you feel as celebrated as my heart feels when I think of how much I love being your mom and having you as my son.

Then it came to me! The idea I proposed to you was quickly negotiated and embraced, and you told me all day long how much you loved it! We went on a shopping spree. I could laugh when I even call it that, since you wanted so little. The first thing we got was a big gift bag to fill up, only there were so few things you wanted, we could have done with a much smaller bag. First we hit Starbuck's and the grocery store to get coffee and donuts, then we went to several stores to find the things you wanted. We headed home for a little while for lunch and so AJ could have his tutoring done. Then we picked Josh up from school and wisked away to watch "Night at the Museum 2." Afterward we went to Cici's for pizza, then home to enjoy playing with your new games and shows. It was a simple day, but you genuinely loved it, which says volumes about who you are. You love simplicity . . . love being home and with family or alone.

The day after your birthday I took you out just the two of us, to a movie ("Wolverine") and to dinner. The day after that we celebrated with a big family party with us and the Borkos, just lots of noise and activity and fun! Matthias spent the night, and then you were completely satisfied with your special day(s). It is easy to see in this what I have long known about you--you are content to have a few very close relationships, and don't really need many of them. You like the "social scene" and have enjoyed the activity and excitement of being with the youth at church, but your preference is to just enjoy the people you love being around.

You've grown so much this year, in size (you now top the scale at over a hundred pounds!) and in skills. Your art work has come such a long way, and you love to spend hours drawing cartoons. You love all things boy! You giggle at explosions (go figure!), and love action movies more than anything. But you are quite the ham, and LOVE LOVE comedy of all sorts--from sitcoms to Garfield cartoons to blonde jokes. You are always cracking me up with some hilarious observation and comment, or with a new cartoon that reflects your ability to get inside the heads of those who draw your favorite comics.

Stephen, I love being your mom so much. You are so full of surprises. You are sensitive, and when I get down, you look for some way to help or encourage, even if it's just in holding my hand. In spite of your insistence, I dread the day that some cute girl takes away my snuggle bug, and I love all the affection you give me still. But I also love the ways you are changing--new conversations we get to have, new kinds of movies we can watch, and lots of new humor.

Happy birthday my dear boy! You are a delight and a joy!

Picking Up the Pen . . . er . . . keyboard.

2009-05-28T00:26:00.002-04:00

For some time now I have been fighting conviction. Not that I don't always fight it in some form or another, but I've been convicted on how much time I spend on unproductive distractions that don't really satisfy me. In fact, they stir up appetites and cravings that are insatiable, causing me to lose sleep, waste precious time, and end up with nothing but deficits (in time, money, and production). Tonight I discovered a wonderful blog called Permanent Things. I found it as I was searching for some new ideas of how to handle literature studies with the boys. But what I discovered there was the kind of peek into the life of a kindred spirit that whet my desire to write again about my own experiences. So here I am! Back from a long hiatus, and determined to write more. I have so many thoughts and ideas floating around my head, I'm not sure where I will even start, but it will probably do me good to get them out on paper . . . or rather . . . computer screen. So for the two or three of you who have stuck with me and are still checking my blog, hoping I might actually have thought of something worth saying to entertain you, challenge you, encourage you, or just make you laugh, stay tuned! I'll start thinking of things to write! It'll be fun catching up, don't you think?

A Mother's Day Confession

2009-05-10T12:51:00.010-04:00

Given to me by my Beloved, to remind me of His purpose in making me a mother.

My children take all that I give

Demanding more
Complaining
I give a little of myself
A little more but never all
Demand respect
For little

You gave Your all

Your only Son
Your very image
All in All
All You had

I take . . . I leave

I look elsewhere
Chasing idols . . . other things
Discontent with Your best . . .
With You . . .

My children forget my special days

Mine! I say
My worth . . . my value lessened
Diminished by their neglect
I cry--tears of self-pity

You give more . . . love more

Wooing, compelling, offering
Never demeaning or threatening
Through saddened heart
By my neglect
Your value, worth NEVER lessened
By the back of my head

In love, You gave me children

So often my heart's delight
My future hope
My life, my work, my purpose
Your gift to comfort me in love
Elevated to Your place

Yet using them, expose me

Reflecting You
Reflecting me
Pain in what I see
O Lord, the way I treat You!
More than the way that they treat me!

Let them resume their place

Forgive me! Consume me with You!

Life According to Stephen: Chicks

2009-03-31T16:36:00.003-04:00

As Stephen and I were driving home from the bank today we passed a sign at the feed store that said, "We have CHICKS!" Not wanting to miss an opportunity to razz Stephen, I said, "Hey, look! We could pull in there and get you a CHICK!" (Remember, girls are icky!)

Meanwhile, Stephen had seen the sign and started making chick noises, so he said, "They say cheep, cheep, cheep."

I answered, "No they are anything but cheap, cheap, cheap."

Stephen insisted, "They say cheep, cheep, cheep."

Thinking about it, I relented, "OK, maybe they do spend a lot of time calling you cheap, cheap, cheap."

Quickly Stephen got caught up in the joke and piped in, "Until they grow up. Then all they say is gobble, gobble, gobble!"

That Boy of Mine is Turning Nine!!!

2009-03-23T00:20:00.003-04:00

Funny Andrew:

Nine! I know I must sound like a broken record when I say every year: How has this happened? Where did the year go?

What a year this was! Full of angst and hard work and progress. You're reading! Like a maniac, you're reading. It seemed to click overnight, although I know the truth--you were working hard. You still are, eager to burst into newer, longer, and better books. Meanwhile you read everything: street signs, captions on TV, my emails (well, you try). I have discovered in the last week that I can't even leave birthday gift receipts around, because . . . well, you read them! (Oops!) I'm eager to see you continue to progress and learn to love reading to yourself as much as the rest of us do. Just don't expect me to quit reading aloud to you! I love it too much.

You're so independent now. You do almost everything on your own . . . and some days I hate it. Right now you bug me like crazy to teach you to cook. You can make scrambled eggs and grilled cheese. So now we just have to cover a dinner and a dessert and you won't need me anymore! You love telling and retelling stories. Guess that's in your blood too (both your brothers and I are story-tellers!) You write all kinds of stories, from your own episode of Stargate to narration about the Revolutionary War. Obviously writing assignments are hardly necessary for you. You do it on your own!

At times I wish you would slow down a little. I wish you'd slow down so I could enjoy you. You run at mach 5, and I'm so old and tired I can hardly keep up with you. You are also competing all the time to keep up with brothers three and six years older than you, and it breaks my heart that you are rushing through all the little boy stuff that I enjoyed with them. It frustrates you to no end when I set limits like not letting you watch a show or movie that your brothers do, or not letting you take off in a store like they do. That's OK though. You'll be gone from me soon enough.

It's been a whole new experience to approach this birthday with you. First of all, you've had it marked on your calendar and have been counting the days for weeks! You've pretty much planned everything, from how you will spend your day tomorrow, to what you want to do over the weekend to celebrate, to what you want to eat. I think you already know what presents you are getting (probably because of the whole receipt thing, although I think you sneaked into my closet to peek too). All I've heard all day today is "I'm so excited! XX more hours!" Guess that's what I get for teaching you to tell time and use a calendar.

AJ, I love the boy you are becoming. Yes you drive me nuts. But I love your thoughtfulness, your willingness to apologize when you do something wrong, your willingness to still snuggle with your mommy. It's fun watching you grow into someone new, but I like it that you are still the same old Andrew in many ways too. I hope you have a wonderful day!

Happy Birthday sweet boy! I love you!
Mom

AJ's Take on Life:

2009-03-21T20:06:00.005-04:00

AJ and his brothers have been watching Men in Black 1 & 2 at their dad's. I'm not so crazy about #2, but have tried not to make it an issue so as not to arouse more interest or to create a new and unnecessary war with dad. So out of the blue as I tried to skirt the conversation today AJ said (about #2):

"Yeah. You don't grab naked ladies. 'Cause if you do, they bite your head off."

So true.

999 Book List: The People of Sparks

2009-03-02T23:36:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I do something so unlike myself that it leaves me a bit shocked. Completing this book in a little less than a week is one of those things. While not a difficult read, for me to keep enough momentum to actually finish a book, much less to finish it in the same month . . . or year . . . or decade, is unusual. I enjoyed People of Sparks, however I didn't think it was as good as The City of Ember (to which it is a sequel). It felt a bit more preachy to me--in other words the morals and lessons were kind of beat into my head, and because of that the ending seemed a little predictable. But I still liked the vivid descriptions, the meaningful imagery, the interesting characters, and even the plot of the story. I have decided to put futuristic, post-apocalyptic fiction on the back burner for a while. I'm starting to look over my shoulder a bit too much, and with O'Bama president and all . . . well, need I say more? So for now I'm going to tackle some of my more spiritually nourishing books. But not for long. I'm realizing how much I enjoy a good story! I like historical fiction and anything else with good characters and adventure and mystery. Any suggestions?

Life According to Stephen

2009-02-26T00:24:00.002-05:00

"Mom, I need to learn how to cook so I don't have to get married when I get older."

Where the Boys Are

2009-02-26T00:00:00.003-05:00

Ahh, in working with Jr. High girls, I remember this song of my youth . . . how embarrassing! How I wasted so much time then!

Now of course it means something totally different. I realized as I was looking over my blogging that I haven't mentioned the boys of late. Since supposedly this whole blog is mostly about living with boys, here is an update:

Josh: has been faithfully and dilligently working through his first year of school away from home--at private Christian school. The homework load has been much less than I expected. I have discovered in him a very anti-establishment attitude. He questions every rule, every reprimand, every math fact, every instruction . . . the boys wants to know WHY!!! The hormones are a-raging, and he is mad all the time no matter what I do. I of course don't dare acknowledge that I belong to him in public . . . on penalty of death, I think. However he is making great grades, is working exceptionally hard (both at our after-school job where he helps me clean, and at home when I ask him to do some chore), is communicating with words his constant frustrations and irritations, and assures me that he still loves me (although sometimes I have to remind him I'm a girl and that I need to hear him say it). He's a great kid, and someone I truly respect and admire, although I'm a little concerned about a "crisis of faith" that he's battling right now as he searches for his own identity.

Stephen: Still very much the happy-go-lucky boy, just in a rapidly growing and always eating body. Stephen never finishes his schoolwork, but always seems to know more than me. He is still very sensitive, but as the pre-teen hormones are starting to stir, I see it emerge more as anger now than as tears (although sometimes the two appear together). Stephen's highly creative streak bounces from one interest to another: at the beginning of the schoolyear he was hard into stop-motion animation and computers, and now is drawing and sketching everything. Stephen's biggest challenge this year has been working via Florida Virtual School, which violates his free, impulsive, unconstrained approach to work. Nevertheless, he also is proving he is capable of doing "classroom" work, and is showing signs of improvement both in his computer skills and his art (the two classes he is taking are 2D Art and Keyboarding). Stephen's heart is still very tender to the Lord, and to those in need around him.

Andrew: AJ has been full of surprises this year. He was having great difficulty reading at the beginning of the schoolyear, but has made leaps and bounds in the last couple of months. Suddenly words are popping out all over the place, and when they do AJ tries to read them! School efforts are moving along now at a nice clip, so much so that he and I have started reading and studying anything we can get our hands on about the Colonial and Revolutionary period of American history. It has been fun seeing what he is learning once again beginning to take over his imagination. Andrew's latest endeavors have been book-writing. He starts many, though rarely makes it to the finish. However he writes and draws all day, intermitten with fighting imaginary enemies (and a couple real brothers) outside whenever possible. I love Andrew's energy, as well as his delight in snuggling and being with me. Maybe I baby him a little, but I figure that's OK. He does NOT get away with everything!

Having essentially three different ages and stages has kept me awfully busy. I'm trying to balance youth group, scouting on two levels, friend get-togethers (not playdates anymore!), this school event and that one, etc. I spend much of my life in the car. Fortunately I have kept their outside committments few, and they usually share events (like the older two both do youth group, the younger two are both in homeschool support group together and have scouting back-to-back at the same location). And after much prayer and discussion with Josh, it looks like we will probably all be home again next year for school. (Not so sure if that's a light at the end of the tunnel, or just the headlight of a train!)

Just so I'm clear, if you've placed a call and asked me for something, or if you want to catch up over coffee . . . we can schedule something . . . in about ten years!!!!

999 List: The City of Ember & Fahrenheit 451

2009-02-25T23:25:00.005-05:00

Wow! I just looked at my list and realized that I'm making my way through books quickly right now! The first book I finished this year was Whatever Happened to Penny Candy, and I was amazed at the information about economics that I didn't know. I'm not sure if it was helpful to educate me in this area--I'm more skeptical than ever about our government--but nevertheless, it whetted my appetite for more of these "Uncle Eric" books.

Then I continued on in one I was determined to finish--Fahrenheit 451. The story was unsettling--more so because it was written over 50 years ago, yet was almost prophetic in its vision of futuristic society and the media--but it was well-written and stimulated lots of thoughts in me about my need for good literature. In some ways I found it a little sad; I felt it relied too much on general knowledge (from all kinds of literature) instead of saving knowledge (from scripture) for hope for society. One of my close friends disagrees, so I'll probably continue to process it for a long time in the future.

Tonight I finished a book that I've only been reading about a week. The City of Ember has recently been made into a movie. One evening not long ago while the boys were finishing their cleaning jobs, I read the first chapter in one of the classrooms we clean, and was astonished at the quality of the writing. The story captivated me, so I reserved the book at the library and started it when it came in last week. What a great story!!! Two kids recently graduated from school (at 12!) begin to suspect that something is wrong in their isolated city, and begin to search for a way to help the citizens of their town to escape from their dark abode. This story is a thrilling mix of social commentary, heroism and villainy, mystery, and adventure. It's such a great book that Stephen curiously picked it up and has started reading it! It's also part of a series (of course!), so now I have to read the sequel, The People of Sparks. And eventually, of course, I'll watch the movie . . . which won't be as good since I read the book first!

Anyway, I'm quite impressed with myself, that I've finished THREE books in two months! Not to mention, I have started and made progress in a couple more! So on with the challenge! So many books, so little time!

FIYA

2009-02-20T10:33:00.002-05:00

So there's this classroom I clean every day. I've decided that the kids in the class are future members of FIYA. For a while I found these unfolded paper clips everywhere. They reminded me of little shivs, like the homemade knives they make in prisons, only pint-sized. Now I'm finding the tops of pencils. Not the erasers, mind you, the points . . . perfectly cut off. I couldn't help but wonder what tool an elementary school kid is finding that can so perfectly and straightly decapitate a pencil. I know the teacher, and find it hard to believe that she is at all boring, so I'm pretty sure she just has a class of hardened 10-or-so-year-olds. And I'm sure that the membership of FIYA--Future Incarcerated Youths of America is soon going to increase.

The Crazy Cat at Our House

2009-01-30T01:32:00.003-05:00

OK, it's been a while since I posted on "the queen." She has become more insane than I ever thought possible. Gracie is our rescued feral cat. We found her summer before last behind our church, a mere week-old kitten. That she survived was a surprise, although I'm not so shocked now seeing how feisty she is. She thinks the house is hers, and all who live here or who enter are at her whim. No guest goes unchecked, and usually gets a swipe of the paw and a hiss (just to put them in their place). Although she hates for us to pick her up, or pet her, or generally look in our direction, she doesn't avoid us either, and in fact she usually follows me from room to room. She does this even if I've just harassed her.

She LOVES paper balls! If I wad up a piece of paper she comes running and when I throw it in the trash she pulls it out and carries it in her mouth to whatever location she wants to play with it (usually one with a tile floor). She likes her water fresh, so she is constantly knocking the boys' water cups off the counter so she can lap the fresh water up off the floor. She isn't afraid of the dogs in the least, and usually attacks them just for fun. The German Shepherd cowers. She likes her dog food, but every now and then gets a hankering for dog food, so she bullies the dogs out of the way and eats what she wants. She always waits for me to finish my yogurt, ice cream, etc. so she can lick the bowl. She is a perpetual kitten, and several times a day has very playful moods where she runs around and trills, trying to get someone to play with her. When we do, she usually ends up attacking us.

She has every person in our house wrapped around her little paw, and she's so soft and cute that nobody can keep their hands off of her. You know, if I were watching all this from the outside, I'd think we were nuts to let an animal take so much control, but truth is, we love her. She's the queen and we are her mere servants. But it's OK to be a servant to the queen. Right?

252 Used to Seem Like a Huge Number

2009-01-29T07:34:00.005-05:00

Did I mention we've entered the high-tech world of text messaging? No? For Christmas Josh got a phone (from his grandparents, not me). It's one of those pay-as-you-go deals--a real scam if you ask me. So far it is still cheaper than putting him on my service, so I decided it would be a good "experiment" to see how he liked having phone service. A couple weeks ago, a friend of his showed him how to use messaging, and for some reason I still don't understand the company had given us a little credit, so he was able to have the cost of the messages deducted and thus able to try it.

Well, after checking it out, I decided it would be fun to add texting to the service for this month just to see if he and I liked it and if it was worth having. I selected an inexpensive plan for 200 messages, and with the purchase of his monthly minutes, that left about $5 credit on our balance. Well, he's been enjoying doing some texting, and I thought it was funny . . . until last night . . . when I discovered he's used all his pre-paid messages AND all the credit on the account (which was supposed to cover NEXT month's messaging).

252!

He's used 252 messages. Boy, word got out fast! And his little fingers must be flying. And I'm left without the ability to message him now ('cause sorry, I refuse to pay for more messages!). That used to seem like such a huge number, but now . . . . So now we're looking at a plan with unlimited messaging . . .

I need to remember to thank his grandparents for introducing me to this world. Wonder if they knew this was a gift that kept on giving?

999 List Update

2009-01-25T12:49:00.004-05:00

OK. Been thinking about my list. Here are some revisions! I'm still a little short on fiction, but that's OK.

Fiction:
Fahrenheit 451 DONE!!
The Screwtape Letters
The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (to Andrew)
Island of the Blue Dolphin
The City of Ember DONE!!
The People of Sparks DONE!!

Non-Fiction:
Whatever Happened to Penny Candy? DONE!!
Are You Liberal, Conservative, or Confused?
The Grand Weaver
The Ministry of Motherhood
Let the Nations Be Glad
Age of Opportunity
A Chance to Die
How the Brain Learns (this will be a hard one!)
When Life and Beliefs Collide
Respectable Sins: Confronting the Sins We Tolerate
Crazy Love

My Big Mess

2009-01-25T12:24:00.001-05:00

A poem God gave me in quiet time with Him today:

The Big Mess
January 25, 2009
as I reflected on how much I’ve messed up my life

It started as I worked on it, and what I thought I saw
It wasn’t much . . . well, maybe just . . . I thought it was a tiny flaw
I picked and poked determined that perfection was the goal
And then I realized all at once, my finger had made a hole.
I tried to make it better. I tried with all my might
But as I worked a little more, the flaw became a blight.
Now frantically I tried to fix the problems I had caused
Until in pieces there it laid and finally I paused

Now slowly I approach Your throne with only my big mess
I’d hoped to give what You deserve, a thing of loveliness
I lay it down before you, and mumble in my shame
It’s all I have, this giant heap, and for it I’m to blame
I wait, the quiet moments scream. I wonder if you heard
Fix it? I think but still you sit there saying not a word.
I look to You, impatience floods the recess of my soul
I wonder if you love enough to make my mess a whole
I look to you, and see you looking not at all the rubble
For just a second I am calmed that on your face there is no trouble

But then I say to You, “Will you not help me with all this?”
Why did you give me useless tools and let it all go so amiss?”
I wait and wait . . . it seems like days . . . to see what you will do
I know that I deserve to be sent out. I just blamed my big mess on You!
But as I start to watch Your face, I see there something more
It’s not at all what I expect: disgust, rejection, something more.
Instead I see compassion, concern for me—and love?
I see You open arms up wide, and beckon me above
I slowly feel my feet begin to move up toward Your side.
I feel your arms embrace me. I feel the tears you’ve cried.

I watch, You look me in the face, I hear Your tenderness
My child, don’t you understand I care not for the mess
But you, my love, you are my bride! What hurts you hurts me too!
So I will fix this mess you’ve made, but first I must fix you.
And as I melt into His love, frustrations disappear
My life finds meaning all because Beloved drew me near.
And what I have to show for it to those who gather ‘round
Means nothing, but His love for me will dazzle and astound.
And all the messes I have made will fade to nothingness
And I will give Him what He wants—my adoration to profess.

copyright 2009

Rambling on Trials That Never Cease

2009-01-25T12:14:00.004-05:00

My sister is in a lot of trouble right now. Without going into it, she has made some choices, the results of which have left her once again severely depressed, hopeless, and nearing the point of suicide. It is a miracle that God has preserved her life thus far.

This weekend, the boys have all been staying with friends. I needed the time to pray--about school decisions, and training them, and Robyn. More too. Just lots of decisions and trouble. I actually reached a point of peace yesterday. It was weird--I had some errands I had to run, and walking through Walmart I felt disconnected from the frenzy and chaos around me. People scurrying like ants to do things that wouldn't matter in a day, a month, or a year. Although I was alone, I sensed my Best Friend alongside me.

I prayed this weekend that God would make me freshly aware of His presence. He did it in a strange way--mostly through forcing me to rehearse what I believe by reminding my sister of it. He is here. He is in control. He does love me. All is for His glory and my good. No plan B, only plan A.

I blew it for a while last night--got caught up in a show I like to watch. But today everything is quiet, and I've decided to keep it that way. I still have a lot to pray about, and lots of decisions pressing in on me. My sister is still a mess. I have to increase my income. I have to make decisions about school next year. So many things.

But for now I still have a few hours alone with my Beloved.

New Christmas Blessings

2009-01-09T02:38:00.004-05:00

Wow! Did we ever make Christmas memories this year! I was especially blessed to have my beloved parents-in-love (from here on out to be known and Mom and Dad--I think my parents would agree to sharing the titles!) come down and stay with the boys and I for Christmas. Not having much family to share the holidays with, I casually mentioned to them that I thought it would be fun to spend Christmas together this year. They JUMPED on the idea, and made plans lickety split, so here they were for a week. We had fun shopping and eating together, watching movies until our eyes bulged. AJ and Lilly played together until they argued like siblings. Papa and Josh were pretty much joined at the hip, and Josh is thoroughly corrupted politically now! But it was fun! I'm still recovering from the fun!

2009-01-04T03:35:00.007-05:00

I have discovered that during seasons of spiritual drought, it requires much of me to find things to write. When I return to my First Love, suddenly words well up in me and I have lots to say. After my devotional tonight, this sweet poem came to me. May my Beloved find pleasure in it!

Wait Thou Only
based upon Psalm 104:27-28
and Andrew Murray's devotional Waiting On God

Wait thou, oh my soul take flight!
And rule with silence o'er the night
Stillness rule my every part
And in me movement find no start

Voice, be silent!
Hands, at rest!
Feet do wait!
Breath stay in breast!
Mind and thoughts
do not contrive
In stillness only will you thrive

Resist those voices whispering
Thick like burning 'round they cling
They call for me to rush, decide!
They call me coward here to hide
But hush them!
Pay attention not!
Remember where thy help is sought!

That place where one finds joy and peace
Where one can go when strivings cease
Return to where it all began
Creation found all in that hand
And give up all on His behalf
Find comfort in His rod and staff
So walk with Him on esplanade
And "Wait thou only upon God!"

New Reading Challenge

2009-01-02T11:46:00.004-05:00

OK, having just shared my loathing for goals (because I so seldom seem to achieve them), I will say I rather enjoyed the reading challenge this year. Maybe because I thought of it as a challenge instead of a goal, or maybe because I liked crossing things off my list and seeing progress, even if I didn't read them all. So I'm forging ahead with the 999 Reading Challenge as I proposed it earlier: 9 fiction and 9 non-fiction in '09. I also liked that I could change my list (which I did frequently as new books caught my fancy!).

So for right now, here are the books I want to read (it's not complete yet, so I'll be adding to it later!):

Fiction:
Fahrenheit 451
House by Frank Peretti

Non-Fiction:
The Ministry of Motherhood
The Mission of Motherhood
Age of Opportunity

New Year's Redirection

2009-01-02T11:00:00.003-05:00

I hate the term New Year's Resolution. Have I mentioned that already? I like the idea behind a resolution--something you commit to do. The problem with the New Year's kind is that I commit for a couple weeks, or at best a couple months, then I forget and my committment . . . well . . . isn't. I've tried all kinds of things to allay the guilt that comes washing over me at the end of the year, as I realize that once again, my resolutions weren't exactly resolute, but to no avail. This year, I have been praying about my direction in 2009. What God keeps pressing on my heart is that all my striving and working are useless if they are powered by anything other than Him.

I'm fallen into a subtle trap. I'm doing some things--some very important things--and I say they are for Him. But the truth is, although I do believe they are His will for me, I'm doing them all in my own strength. I have yielded to a culture of over-communication. Information is seconds away, at my fingertips. I have inundated my brain with Google and Netflix and Facebook. While there is nothing wrong with these means of communication, God's Word . . . and worse yet God's presence have fallen to the wayside in my life. Communication with Him is hard, because it requires me to stop . . . to be still . . . to wait. I don't like waiting. Heroes don't wait. Successful executives don't wait. And well, mom's don't get to wait. Waiting requires an intense amount of self-discipline, and I'm not exactly that.

In our spiritual culture, we live in a mindset that has washed away the seriousness of our relationship to God. I have grown up in the church, and sometimes I sense that "Jesus loves me" and "Jesus saves me" and even "God is soveriegn" are washed out phrases that have become bland. Shame on me! Shame on us! Christ's love and sacrifice to save me are world-changing!!! If the idea of men I don't know fighting and dying on a battlefield half-way around the world humbles me into reverence for their sacrifice, the idea of the holy God of the universe CHOOSING to put Himself at risk and die for me should level me to my knees. Prayerlessness--the casual neglect of the relationship with that very God--should be considered a travesty instead of excused by my own weakness. It is sin! Chasing after all the things of this world is adultery, not mere choice made in freedom! Am I being hard on myself? No, I don't think so.

So my goal this year is a hard one. "Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness." I only have one goal, one "resolution" this year. I want to seek after God's kingdom harder . . . more intentionally . . . . I feel certain that if I work at this one thing, with Providence's help, everything else will fall into place and I will see progress in more areas than I can imagine. Or at least, those other things bugging me? They won't matter, because my goals and desires will be more shaped by God's concerns.

I'm not off to a good start. But I still have 364 days to work at it. And ANY progress toward this goal is something to be pleased with! What have I got to lose?

888 Challenge Progress Report

2008-12-05T01:46:00.003-05:00

I tend to put so much pressure on myself that any time I don't make the mark dead in the center of the target, I feel like a failure. One of my dear friends and mentors taught me a saying: "Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly." Think about it a minute. Now while I do believe that we should try our best to do things worth doing well, does it stand to reason that if we are unsure if we can do it well we shouldn't even attempt it? Well, I did attempt this reading challenge this year, and I didn't read all the books on my list. So what? I still read. I even kept plodding along through some of the books knowing I had set the goal.

On the flip side, I hate that I often set goals and fail to hit them. Obviously it's a little late in the year for me to try to read a couple dozen books. So instead I'm rethinking my challenge for next year. I'm thinking 9 and 9 in '09. Nine non-fiction and nine fiction books. I would LOVE to say I'm going to read 70 or more books for a 999 challenge, but I don't think I will. But 18? I think maybe I could do that. I don't know. Any suggestions?

I just love the idea of challenging myself to read for me!

End of Quarter Grades

2008-11-08T15:34:00.003-05:00

I almost forgot to mention that last week, Josh got his first-ever "report card." (Except the kind Mom gave him when he was little!) He made all A's except for one B in Pre-Algebra (a subject he insists no one should have to learn!). Now, I know that it sounds like I'm bragging about grades, but I'm not. You see, I'm NOT an educational legalist. The current school grading system is only valuable to me in so much as a teacher with 15, 20 or 35 students needs to be able to communicate how a student is doing in her class. I stressed to Josh that most of all I wanted him to learn and to do his best. That is what excites me.

To receive his report card we had to have a conference with the teacher. She just gushed about Josh. I had so many questions going in . . . questions about character, about his relationships to others. And in her comments many of those questions were answered. Josh loves to ask questions and learn more . . . even beyond what is expected. He often knows the answers, but doesn't try to answer every question. He works well with other kids and is an encourager. He doesn't often lose his temper and when he does it is more out of frustration because of his own inabilities and weaknesses. He is a strong leader (well, duh!). He is very logical and communicates well (he was awesome in a class debate they had!).

None of this really surprised me, it's just that doing this parenting thing mostly alone, it was good to hear from someone more or less unbiased. It was especially good to hear in front of the other parents. (Pray for me! Thier "part" in the whole school thing has been hard to bear.)

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed now at where to go in the coming few years. The "others" are pressuring to have him in public school in a accelerated program, but me . . . I tend to like a more gentle approach with less pressure. Not that I'll let that kid get away with doing little or nothing, I just like the idea of him having a more relaxed schedule at home. If I can ONLY find a way to keep him busy socially (without killing myself!). Anyway, lots of decisions to be made. Lots of things to consider.

For now, I'm crazy about this boy! And oh, so proud of him. Even when he picks on his brother or does a lazy kitchen-clean-up job.

Fun Fall Stuff

2008-11-05T01:10:00.005-05:00

Ahh . . . fall in Florida! This year we are getting exactly what I love: cool weather! So here is our fall celebration so far:

Although we don't celebrate Halloween, we do love to cut up a pun'kin.
Even Josh wanted to do it this year, which was kind of funny-
watching him carve a pumpkin without ever putting his hands into it!

The gooey-er, grosser, or more disgusting, the more Stephen likes it.
He actually tasted the raw pumpkin this year!

Yes, lookout, folks! AJ got to carve his own pumpkin face this year.
And we all know what that means . . . . he's loose with a knife!!!
He sure was proud of his creation though!

Our actually "Halloween Eve" was spent at a great celebration at our church
(the Reformation is very important to us!).

Josh was in a skit.

Stephen and AJ spent the evening pal'ing around with their friends!

Election Amusement

2008-11-05T00:59:00.003-05:00

This year it has been amusing to watch election developments. Of course, the amusement ended tonight. It hasn't been the bantering between candidates that has interested me, but the fact that there is someone else in my house interested in election developments. My 14-year-old surprised me this year with a political opinion. I'm not sure where he got it--I tend toward disinterest in most things political. (I take elections very seriously, and do research and vote on an informed opinion, I just don't care much for all the political stuff that goes on.) It has been fun watching Josh go from someone influenced by what others around him thought to someone whose opinions were directed more by what he learned about the candidates and his own beliefs and ideas.

Unfortunately now I have to help pick up the pieces of a very discouraged and disillusioned boy. He can't understand how a candidate who seemed so clearly unqualified and unworthy of being president could be elected. I'm not worried about it--I know this kid will understand more as he learns more that voting your beliefs is not always as clear and easy as it seems when you are 14. I'm trying to encourage him that God is sovereign and knew who would be elected before the U.S. was even a country! Not only that , but our great God will use even a president like Obama to further His cause and purpose. But I'm a grown woman and I still struggle most days to really believe that. How do I help a kid new to politics and to losing politically to understand it?

On the scary side, a thought hit me today as I talked of election things with my younger boys. My 14-year-old will be voting in the next presidential election. Man, I'm getting old!

B. Family's "Educational" Daffynitions

2008-09-25T01:56:00.002-04:00

Ok, so this came to me as we were cleaning at our church's private school the other day.

Home room--"base" when we're playin' tag . . . which is how the day usually begins.
Orientation--the time of year when we get new "school" stuff. The day we look at our books for about an hour, then do fun stuff the rest of the day.
Homework--our punishment when we don't pay attention to mom reading or when we wrestle instead of working on our workbook pages.
Open House--when our work's done and we get to GO OUTSIDE!!! Or maybe when we ditch the regular stuff to have friends come over and play.
Recess--what we're doin' just before mom says,"Hey, where are you guys! You're supposed to be doing school!!!"
Teacher--Mom
Principal--in our house, God. In some of our friends' homes, their dad.
School board--our response when we're asked, "Do you like school?" and we respond, "School? Bored!"
Extracurricular--anything fun that doesn't require mom to tie us in our seats.
Home economics--what mom calls our chores.
Science lab--our kitchen.
Book report--when we chatter on and on about the cool thing happening in the latest book we're reading.

On Being a Child of God

2008-08-31T12:02:00.003-04:00

I often have a hard time trusting God with little things and things that I know are luxuries. It's hard sometimes not to view him as a harsh, demanding ruler who expects me to suck it up and keep marching. I live in a country where so much of what we have is excessive and indulgent, and so when things happen like my air conditioner going out, or having car trouble, I wonder why God would just provide it for me and not make me work myself to death to get it.

The thought struck me yesterday, again, of how God is much more of a Father to us. I provide food, clothes, a place to live, an education for my children because they need them. Their very survival depends upon them. But I LOVE to be able to buy them a coke, take them to a movie, buy them a toy, etc. I love the delight in their eyes over it, even when they aren't very grateful (although I prefer the gratitude). Sure, sometimes when the ask me for something like this I say no. Sometimes I already have a better plan, and sometimes I just know it's not the best thing for them right now. Sometimes I know they need to deal with no occasionally. But often (probably a bit more often than I should), I say yes. I love to say yes.

Why is it so hard for me to believe that God loves to say yes?

The Big Kid Gets Bigger

2008-08-28T01:06:00.004-04:00

My dearest boy,

Who are you? Who is this young man standing before me each day--no longer a boy, yet not quite a man? Some days I hardly feel like I know you. Your awareness of the world around you is so mature--political humor, fascination with all things entertaining, a social schedule, responsibility. I'm in awe of your thoughtfulness, amused by your humor, grateful for your strength, and annoyed by your independence. You're not my baby, not even my little boy. When did that happen? Can it really have been FOURTEEN years?

My concerns for you grow with each passing year. Will you walk with the Lord faithfully, or will you abandon Him? Will you have to learn lessons the hard way by suffering the pain of poor choices, or will you be an obedient leader who enjoys the blessings of that life? Will you love your family, especially your wife, or will the weaknesses and absences in your upbringing show through there? I am more and more aware of how little time I have left to teach you, train you, counsel you, and guide you. The weight of this realization presses down on me.

Not that it is all bad. You have your faults, and most days drive me nuts, but I do so enjoy you! You are fun, and funny. You are opinionated, and I love to debate issues with you now. You show so much wisdom one moment, and act like a foolish young man (which you are entitled to do!) the next. I love it that you talk to me. You tell me when you are mad, when you are irritated, you can tell me you love me even when your anger is justified. You are sensitive to my feelings (sometimes). You are in some ways protective of me, although it is my prayer that you know you are not fully responsible for me.

Another thing that has been fun is to see your unique interests develop. You love music, especially fast music, but it has to have a melody. You love drama and acting. You love being with friends, even if they want to do something you don't exactly love doing (you camped at the beach for a friend you really like!).

I worry about you son, because I am your mom. I have invested so much in you, and I love you so very much. At the same time, you are a great kid. You can work very hard, and do a great job at whatever you take on.

I hope you know how treasured you are. I hope you have a wonderful day today.

Happy birthday.
Love, Mom

A Different Kind of Year

2008-08-20T00:57:00.003-04:00

School is starting again. In some ways it is like most other years, or at least the last few years. I'm not completely ready to begin. The boys are excited about the first day, but eager to shed that excitement since they know that work and routine follow it. The major difference this year is that Josh is going to school. Not doing school, but going--to the private school our church runs.

I had already planned out in my head most of what I wanted him to do this year, but after he was in the play, he started asking about maybe going to school there. Oddly, it didn't even make me flinch. I know so many of the teachers there, and am involved in the school even though I don't have kids attending. I told Josh he needed to make a firm decision, and that we would begin the process, trusting that God would make clear to us what He wanted for Josh.

At the time we applied, there wasn't even an opening in the 8th grade class. I assumed we had our answer, even though in the back of my mind I knew God could easily still indicate differently. But part way through summer, I got a call saying they had decided to open another class. I quickly scrambled to get some financial records completed, meanwhile the administration was very gracious with me and understanding of my financial situation. (Summer was hard because I wasn't working one of my part-time jobs--a serious decrease in income!) One thing after another fell into place, and here we are, finishing the first week of school with Josh away during the day.

Emotionally I have had mixed feelings. It is still hard to school the younger two boys. Both are still easily distracted (AJ got distracted during reading lessons this morning by a hang nail on MY finger!), but we don't have Josh home to add to the confusion and busyness. I miss him terribly during the day, and miss knowing the details of his day, but there is a certain sense of relief that this year it is not my responsibility.

My goals this year are to really get things going and to help the boys find the environments that best suit their learning needs. I've always felt too pulled apart to work on that. I also must get AJ reading. He is having a terrible time, and I am fearful that someone will finally blame me (even though I know it is learning difficulties, and I am doing what my financial situation and resources will allow). I'm very slowly working on establishing a little more order in the house.

Josh isn't thrilled with attending school, but he likes it. He says it is still school. He likes the order and schedule, and being with his friends, of course. He likes the teachers he has. I think he's even going to like the classes, and I'm not expecting him to feel overwhelmed with the work load (although having to come home and do it after a whole day at school may be a bother).

Most of all, I feel like for this year, this is where God wants us. I'm pleased with it . . . a little anxious about the financial demands, but trusting God who has provided for us thus far.

Then again, we'll see in a month how at peace I am with 7am mornings and kids who won't get up!

Andrew's Vacation

2008-07-25T03:55:00.004-04:00

Andrew loved everything about our vacation. He was so much fun to watch! I think the thing he most enjoyed was having a constant playmate--his cousin Lilly, who is so much like him. Lilly is six months younger than AJ. They enjoyed doing many of the same things. The days we were at Nana and Papa's, Lilly and AJ played with stuffed animals and Littlest Pet Shop bobble heads. They colored and watched Pink Panther together. They played outside in the wading pool and on the trampoline together.

While we were in the mountains, they were thick as thieves! Every morning they headed outside first thing, and spent most of their spare time there playing on the hiking path right behind our cabin. It was so humorous to watch them go from new playmates who loved doing everything together, to almost-siblings who argued constantly. The great thing for AJ was that Lilly was much more similar to him, so arguments were more equally win-able. Sometimes I forget how great a difference there is between Josh and AJ, and how hard that is for him, so it was great for him to be with someone his own age.

As far as the "fun stuff," I'm not sure I could even pick a "favorite" for AJ. He LOVED the outdoors stuff--Rock climbing and riding go-carts with Papa and lots of hikes in the campground. He loved the Aquarium, especially at the end of our second afternoon their when Mom let him get all wet in the outdoor water playground (even without a swimsuit . . . and in jeans!). He really wanted to go swimming, which oddly was never available to us, but I think he kept busy enough to not think about it too much. He was really looking forward to playing Risk with Papa, and after relinquishing the game (much harder than he thought), he'd had his fill. He collected sticks and rocks aplenty, and came home with a huge "walking stick" that he found, another that Papa bought him, and a pair of stuffed penguins, among other treasures!

Mom loved it that she didn't have to constantly wonder what AJ was up to--she had Lilly to keep her apprised and two other adults to help keep an eye on him. I think AJ's ready to take another vacation soon!

Vacation

2008-07-20T00:09:00.006-04:00

The boys and I have spent the last week in the N.Ga. mountains with Nana and Grandpa. We stayed in a cabin in Cloudland Canyon State Park, and we had such a great time. We did some of the touristy things-visited Rock City and Ruby Falls, went to the Chattanooga Aquarium and the Zoo. But mostly we just rested and played together. We played games. Mom and I planned school for next year. It was just plain fun. All three of the boys raved about it, so I'm raving too. As with all vacations, the only problem with it was that it was too short!

More details later.

Stephen on a climbing wall at the TOP of Lookout Mountain.

A teenager daydreaming as he watches the fish.

AJ and Lilly found a snail and watched it crawl along for the longest time.

Kings (and queen) of the mountain!

Grandpa Andy (Papa) and the kids petting fish at the aquarium.

Summer (Not So) Fun

2008-07-03T13:06:00.002-04:00

OK. So here's what our summer has entailed so far:

To start off June we had a week off, then Andrew went back and forth to Cub Scout Day camp while the boys and I bounced between loafing and working around the house (although you can hardly tell now!). Then we had a wild and crazy week of Vacation Bible School, followed by a partial week of recovery (read: sleeping late and laying around). Then Andrew was off to visit with his Mimi and Pawpaw in St. Augustine, and the older boys headed off to Jr. High camp. Now we're recovering again, and next week will head off on vacation with the grandparents in metro-Atlanta. Then it's home for about two weeks before we start school again.

What is the purpose of summer again?

Technology Makes My Head Hurt

2008-07-03T12:53:00.003-04:00

OK, yes. Sometimes I find technology very exciting--like when I get a brand new computer (hasn't happened too many times), and I get to dive into all the things it can do. Or when my camera can capture color, black and white, or any other color photos, and I can see them, and I can zoom into any area immediately. That's just too cool. But most of the time, technology is like the cute little fuzzy Gremlins in the movie that came out when I was a kid. Add just the right thing and it turns mean and consumes your time, energy, emotions, and often money!

I'm not even trying to do something hard right now--just faxing on my handy little print/fax/copy machine. I've never faxed anything before. I keep getting error messages . . . and right now it keeps telling me the line is busy. Did I put the number in wrong? Is is hooked up wrong? Am I supposed to add a "1" before dialing the number? I just don't know.

Invariably this always happens to me, some Snafu that makes that thing the technology was SUPPOSED to save me time doing take about 100 times longer to do!!!

I'd throw the printer/faz/copy machine, except I've finally figured out how to print and copy with it.

Ah. Guess what? You have to add a "1" before you dial in the number. Couldn't someone have told me that? Ughh.

Papa, We LOVE You!

2008-06-25T17:34:00.004-04:00

Papa came down last weekend and while he was here to see his dad, he stayed with us for a night. It was so good to be with him. He takes such good care of us (Nana too!). He is counting down the days until our vacation near Chatanooga when he gets to be with ALL of his kids!

The boys and "Papa" or "Grandpa Andy" to us.

While he was here, Andrew had his Daycamp closing program, so Papa went with us. I think he had a lot of fun reminiscing about his days as a scout. AJ was thrilled to have someone besides Mom taking pride in his activities. Notice how DIRTY that shirt is. I've washed it and it still doesn't look clean!

Top Ten Reasons I Want to Marry McGyver

2008-06-25T04:32:00.004-04:00

The boys and I've been watching re-runs of my old favorites. I had forgotten how impressive this guy is . . . even more so than he is in Stargate SG-1. So here are my reasons:

He's always a gentleman!
Kiss goodbye to stressing over all the stuff breaking down around my house.
He'd keep Stephen busy for hours with all the science stuff
He knows about every country in the world--even the little ones!
My spontaneous, impulsive nature would clearly not be a problem for him.
He likes kids and can talk to them!
I'd never have to worry about that tool I misplaced--he can use a pocket knife, twist ties, and paper clips!
Oh, how I've missed that 80's hair cut!
The never-a-dull-moment pace of my house wouldn't bother him.
The boys would have someone to blow things up with!

The only thing that would have to go is that 80's synthesized music. What WAS it with that? Did people really like it?

Needing the Rock Today

2008-06-13T10:41:00.002-04:00

So often I am made aware that I need a rock. I don’t know why I am still so thrown for a loop when I discover how unpredictable life is . . . and unpredictably hard. Big trials and little stresses are so common that they are . . . well . . . predictable, and yet they still catch me unaware. All of us live on a rough sea of raging waves. I am seasick, and I need a rock.

Rock of Ages cleft for me
Let me hide myself in Thee
Let the waters and the blood
From Thy wounded side which flowed
Be for sin a double cure
Save from wrath and make me pure.

The thought of hiding in the crevice of a rock is warming to me—the security it affords is what my heart craves. Unlike a ship, caught unexpectedly on a wild sea in a storm, my raging sea is one of my own making. Daily . . . hourly, I am reminded of my duplicitous heart, driven by pride and selfishness. I am capable of every evil known to man. Even on my worst day, if I try I can feel God’s restraining power preventing me from being the worst I could be. I deserve judgment and death. I am ever conscious that I have no merit with which to enter His presence. And then . . . I remember the blood which washed me clean. I remember the righteous acts of Christ that were credited to me. I recall the continued cleansing of the water of the Holy Spirit. Justified and being sanctified. I can enter the presence of the Most High God.

Not the labors of my hands
Can fulfill Thy laws demands
Could my zeal no respite know
Could my tears forever flow
All for sin could not atone
Thou must save, and Thou alone

Nothing. That is what I have to offer God which He needs. I watched the shock wash over the faces of some ladies in a Sunday School class when the lecturer on the CD reminded us that God really doesn’t need us for anything. We like to think He does. But the truth is, my work couldn’t save me. How could it possibly be required by Him to build a kingdom? There is also no catalyst that makes that work more effective so that it will be effective enough to save me or serve Him. I am aware often that I am unable to be pure in my motives, but even if I could be zealous enough in my devotion to God, it wouldn’t be enough. Neither could penitence make my works more acceptable to Him. Yet He longs for me to be a part of His work. So He saves. He saves me. I was dead and rotting . . . . He gave me life and made me useful.

Nothing in my hand I bring
Simply to Thy cross I cling
Naked come to Thee for dress
Helpless look to Thee for grace
Foul I to the fountain fly
Wash me, Savior, or I die.

Finally I realize it . . . again and again. I’ve tried to earn it again. I’ve tried to pay Him back. I’ve tried to prove my worthiness to Him. And I’ve failed . . . again and again. There I stand again, just like I did the day He saved me the first time, with nothing to offer. I grab hold of the Gospel, and for a moment cling with all my might. I watch for just a second as He again puts beautiful garments on me. For one minute, I am aware of my weakness—of my labored breathing, the fatigue of my spiritual muscles, the distraction of my mind, the fickleness of my affections. In that moment, I look to Him for help. And suddenly, His glory is blinding to me. And I glimpse others beholding it because He is using me, His weak and frail vessel, His lifeless tool now animated.

While I draw this fleeting breath
When my eyes shall close in death
When I soar to worlds unknown
See Thee on Thy judgment throne
Rock of Ages, cleft for me
Let me hide myself in Thee.

Today I hide . . . again. Not out of hopelessness or self-loathing. I hide because the rock is safer and more predictable than the sea. Out there, I work and work, yet if I get anywhere I can’t even see my progress. Here I cannot see progress either, but I can see Him. And I know He isn’t going anywhere. I am safe. I can rest.

Review-Piecing Together the High School Puzzle

2008-06-07T13:34:00.003-04:00

Homeschooling into high school is remnant to me of anticipating teaching my first son to read. I knew I knew how to read, I just didn't know where to begin in passing along that knowledge. High school is worse. I remember what things were like when I went to high school . . . but everything seems different now. One of my goals for the next year has been to begin training myself for the record-keeping required for high school. So I bought Piecing Together the High School Puzzle by my friend Joanne Mastrioncola to get an idea of what is going to be required.

This book is intended to be specific to Florida high school students, which is OK with me. It walks you through the different high school plans, how to keep records, where to find more information, and even what fun things are available for high school seniors (Didn't know that homeschool seniors could go to grad night!). It explains grade point averages, different kinds of tests, and how to apply for college and scholarships. The book also includes reproducible worksheets and samples for record keeping. It even has checklists of what needs to be done during the students junior and senior years!

This book was straight to the point, yet well-communicated. It comes in a binder, which is great for making copies of the reproducibles. Of course, I was pre-disposed to liking this book because I know that Joanne has a heart for helping others along in their homeschool journey.

After reading this book, I don't feel so intimidated now about homeschooling through high school, if that is what the Lord has planned for us. Now if I could just find a cheap way to keep all those records without putting much time into it . . . .

Homeschooling the Challenging Child

2008-06-05T04:32:00.003-04:00

Hooray!!! I've finished another book on my list. (Still have a lot of reading to do this summer.)

Homeschooling the Challenging Child, by Christine Field is an extremely helpful book for anyone who wonders if their homeschooled child might be facing some kind of behavioral or learning disabilities. Although the struggles my youngest two children face are mild, it was helpful to read this book, and the book itself gave me lots of ideas to try with him. It is a book full of encouragement when you begin to wonder if homeschooling a "special needs" child is worth it--when you wonder if they would be better off in school with a "professional." It is also full of helpful resource links, a walk-through on the process of having a special needs child evaluated, as well as many other thoughts and advice that Ms. Field learned through experience.

Although this book covers technical material, it is very readable.

My 888 Challenge

2008-06-02T03:40:00.004-04:00

OK. I added Shelfari to my blog tonight, and in doing so reviewed my reading list for this year. Not doing so well. Sooo . . .

Less TV. I gotta turn that thing off.
Keep my list in front of me. Concentrate my reading on the books I've listed, even if it means changing the list a little as I go.
Carry it with me. Remember I have it.

Today is Monday. By the end of the week I want to have made progress on one I want to read aloud, and I want to have finished ONE of my books. (I'm close to finishing a couple of them.)

Next year I'm doing my 9-9-9 Diet List.

Life Lessons

2008-06-01T02:08:00.003-04:00

One of the things I love about living life is the occasional peek it gives me into the divine. I have often pondered the relationship between faith and works. It almost boggles my mind sometimes to try to tease apart the motivation for works--that they shouldn't come from obligation or an attempt to earn God's love or favor, but out of love for Him and a desire to do what He delights in. Still . . . everything I know, the way the world I live in is so driven by what I do and what I earn . . . it is so hard to live without a works motivation.

This week I had just a peek into what pleases God. My best friend has been sick all week, but it steadily progressed until Thursday the decision was made that she just had to go to the doctor. She has six children, so doctors visits and the like have to be carefully planned and orchestrated, but there she was needing to go and needing to do it that very day. She knows I'm here for her, so she called and asked if I could take the kids for the afternoon. As we talked on the phone, it became afternoon and evening, because she hadn't slept much all week and I knew she needed time to rest. Then by the time she dropped them off, I had pretty much decided they should just stay the night, since both she and her husband really did need a good night's sleep. It was a decision I never even considered a burden. Her kids are so much fun, and I love them. I love her. And she and her husband have done so much for me that I wanted to do something for them.

It wasn't about paying them back. I didn't feel I owed it to them, nor did I feel I needed to earn a few favors for the next time I need help. It wasn't about obligation at all. My heart just wanted to do it. I trust them and love them, and I wanted them to have a tangible reminder of my love. Suddenly I realized that this is exactly the motivation God wants for my works. At great cost to Himself, He gave me salvation and reconciled me to Himself asking nothing on my part. My works should be done out of love for Him, with a desire that He see that love. No paybacks. No guilt or obligation. Just love. A relationship where we both desire to delight each other for no other reason than to delight each other.

Cool.

To My Precious Blonde Boy

2008-05-31T04:28:00.008-04:00

Stephen,

I continue to feel badly that your birthday gets lost in the end-of-year shuffle every year. I'm thankful that we homeschool since having all three of you in school with activities and such would really make it hard to celebrate. I certainly have enough reasons to rejoice over the day you were born! You are such a delight to me. I love talking to you and seeing the energy and excitement on your face when you tell me something. I can hardly resist your creativity and your imagination. I hope that the way I celebrate having you every day helps make up a little for the way I tend to lose track of your special day each year. At least this year you didn't have to wait until December to have your birthday!

Ah, Stephen! Looking at old pictures of you brings back so many memories. You were such a fun baby and little boy! We never knew what new thing you would become, you dressed up so much. You were always surprising us with your mood too, and even now you can go from storm clouds to sunshine or the other way in a flash.

I feel sorry sometimes that you have inheirited some of my worst traits, but on the other hand, they come with so many wonderful strengths. You are a loyal friend, and it astounds me how long you and Matthias have been best buds. You are very sensitive to the feelings other people have, and you try to comfort them. You are always creating, lost in your own imaginary world.

One thing that amazes me is how you have changed. You used to be so bothered by little things--the texture of foods, sand on your feet, being hungry or tired. Now you tend to roll with the flow more. Of course, when you become emotional, it is hard to get you to calm down and think it through, but fortunately you can also be gracious and forgiving, and you like to be at peace with those around you.

You are still such a tough guy. You have always been the stereotypical boy--loving cars, balls, and "manly" things. You still love to be flying down the street on your bike or skateboard, and you are pretty daring. I think you have enough scars now that your modeling career is pretty much trashed, but you told me today (when you cut your head) that you'd rather have scars than stitches.

It's kind of funny watching you begin to grow into your own person. Lately you have developed a love for camera work, especially video and animation. You are quite a good artist, and you love to draw. You have decided you want to grow your hair out, which I have agreed to let you do.
You can't stand being cooped up all day inside, and you need to move frequently.

Stephen I love you so much. I'm so grateful that God chose to make me your mom. You might be the middle child, but your value and worth are certainly not less because of that. Please know that I love you and that I am eagerly awaiting to see how God continues to mold and shape you.

Happy birthday, kiddo.

Love, Mom

Convention Encouragement

2008-05-31T04:11:00.004-04:00

One thing I forgot to mention was a great blessing the Lord gave my friend and I at the convention last weekend. She was invited to have coffee with author Sally Clarkson, and she very graciously invited me to come along. I tried hard to think of those difficult questions I always have--the ones I just want someone to give me advice on, but none of them came to me. Instead, we just shared our stories, the things we find hard in daily life, and Sally encouraged this friend and I who share the reality of life being hard even though our challenges are different in many ways. I'm dying now to get into some of Sally's books, and maybe even to do her new video series "Seasons of a Mother's Heart." She has incredible wisdom to share, and great compassion for the difficulties and suffering that we experience in the fallen world.

Check out the intro to this series here:

Watch Out Copola! There's a New Director in Town!

2008-05-31T02:11:00.008-04:00

Last week the boys and I went to the two-day state homeschool convention in Orlando. (Thanks Mom!) Josh attended a teen conference run by Summit Ministries. I was eager for him to go and hear teaching on worldviews done by some of the most respected trainers of teens in the country. Stephen and AJ went with me to the convention, but the second day AJ decided to stay with the friends we spent the weekend with and play with their kids. Stephen and I had so much fun looking at stuff together, but I knew I was in trouble when he found a stop-motion video animation kit. It came with the camera for the computer and a very complete manual for a very economical price.

I ended up splitting the cost with him, and he made his first video today. He has already added narration and is hoping to add sound effects, but I need to help him do a little more research to be able to post the Windows Movie Maker version here. It is my hope that this summer he will begin learning more about movie-making. Several weeks ago he bought a low-end video/digital camera with money he had saved, and I'm beginning to think that with his interest in artwork and video, he has found a creative hobby that he could pursue further.

Notice that his video includes lots of car chases and fights. And yes, Doc Ock's head and hair did come off at the end. You'll probably see much more of this kind of stuff!

The Economic Power of the Church

2008-05-28T00:27:00.007-04:00

I had several interesting conversations last weekend while I visited with friends--things I have thought about for a long time now, but have been unsure how to communicate. As I put these several conversations together, I realized that I think the universal church fails to realize both its potential and its mission when it comes to economic power. Too often we concentrate on using our dollar to try to influence the world to be something it's not, and we neglect using our dollars to build what is eternal.

I often get e-mails encouraging me to boycott this company or that because of their stand against a moral issue or their support of an immoral one. I am not against boycotting per se, I just am not sure it always does what is intended. When it is used carelessly or too frequently, I fear we Christians turn ourselves into just another political cause instead of people called to live life differently and to make lasting changes in our culture. I am concerned about our testimony to the world when we expect it to believe and live as anything other than the spiritually dead, fallen reprobates that they are (and which we all were!). Even if we compelled unbelievers to live moral lives, they would still be just as immoral inside, and in fact might be farther away from seeing how much they need to be saved from themselves. If we expect them to live by the law, and they do, why do they need Jesus? Isn't it in fact greater evidence for the global need of a different way that every free culture, regardless of their form of government, religion, or philosophy, has ended up leaving its individuals, families, and economy (and nearly everything else) a broken mess? While I am not at all saying that as believers we should be silent about what scripture teaches or watch indifferently as the world steadfastly marches itself into destruction, I'm not always sure that using worldly methods like boycotts and petitions is the most effective way of causing change.

Don't misunderstand me, we are supposed to be causing change in our culture. But as I look at scripture and church history, it seems to me that change was brought about personally, deliberately, and sacrificially. The early church rocked Roman culture by caring for widowsm rescuing orphans, and worshipping God at great personal cost. Revival was brought about by individuals leaving the comforts of their homes and living as friends among native cultures, imitating more of their ways than criticizing or correcting them. Christianity is sweeping China because of the determination of believers to worship the living God even if they cannot sway their government to allow it. Part of the disadvantage of living in an extremely wealthy, techno-informational age is that I can transfer a little money by computer to my favorite charity, return to my cyber-game (or blog . . . heh), and feel good that I've done something to make the world a better place. I can pass along a handful of critical chain letters and petitions no one will really ever see by e-mail, and make myself feel like I've engaged the culture. The truth is, culture is at my front door, waiting for me to open up and let them into my messy life that has found hope in Jesus.

We don't have to go half-way around the world to impact it for Christ. Churches are filled with widows longing to invest the wisdom they have learned through suffering in the next generation of believers but are hindered in doing so because they are forced economically into the busy pace of the workplace. Fatherless children become virtual orphans as their already exhausted mothers work all day to provide financially and all night to provide everything else. How many times have I moaned and complained about my "difficult" life while standing next to someone who wonders how they will even make it through the next day, much less the next week? Even within our churches, culture is waiting at the door. To spread the kingdom of God throughout the world, we should be giving them snapshots of the difference He makes in our relationships, finances, families, etc. instead of giving them lectures of how to be good.

And I'm back to our economic power. We willingly give money to spread the Gospel to a few Muslim souls at a time but send single moms back to work and their children to the influence of government schools and child care. (Sorry to keep banging this one on the head, but it's a soft-spot for me!) We compassionately share to provide abused orphans secure homes, leaving recent widows struggling through grief and lonliness alone once the funeral is over and life resumes. We buy ourselves more Christian self-help books, when helping ourselves might best be done by cleaning house for elderly couples, taking time to help provide care for belivers in retirement homes and hospitals, and taking bags of groceries to the family who just lost their job. We have to begin bringing the broken, hurting believer right next to us in the pew into our lives and families. Then we should look for ways to do it all over again for the rest of the world.

I know that part of what holds us back is the monumental cost that seems to linger under caring for so many needs, but all we really need is a lot or prayer, a bit of creativity and a willingness to show grace and love. Hire the widow to provide housecleaning or daycare for your children instead of outsourcing that. Teach the single mother to perform a job she can do from home, or mentor her as she starts her own business. Invite a fatherless boy over to help with chores, then go to his house and help him do them there. Pay a little more for services that keep mothers of school-age children at home so they can be at home to share the Gospel throughout the day with their kids. And begin trusting that as we use what we have wisely, God will pour out on us the means to do even more. We have to stop forcing worldly models for resolving circumstances upon believers (which typically hinder relationships instead of nurturing them), and instead allow grace and show support to one another for the unique vision God gives each of us. Those of us who feel called to live simple lives at home should find ways to use that to serve those of us who are called to the workplace, trusting that God is working to perfect all of us according to His Word. And we need to stop clinging to the Gospel as all our own, and see the work of Christ for the kingdom-expanding work that it is.

Claim everything for the king! And use everything we have to claim it! Until He comes again.

I Still Miss You, Mom.

2008-05-11T06:06:00.002-04:00

I was so young when I lost my mother, just 27. It seems so long ago now. I don't grieve the way many people do--don't visit cemeteries much, don't linger over old photos (kind of weird for a photographer, I know), and for a story-teller, I don't even tell my stories much. I guess my grieving is done deep inside me over a very long period of time. Maybe that's why I stay such a mess . . . why it is taking me so long to heal from all the disappointments and losses in my life.

I miss my mom. I wish she was here to talk to about all the hard stuff. She was always there to listen. Sometimes I think I'm making a mess of my life (Yes, Eva, I know. There's no plan B.), but one thing I love about what she taught me: how to put relationships first. She was so great at that. Sure, she probably drove some of her friends nuts with her type A intense personality, but I remember how much she invested of herself in those around her. Even her perfectionism was aimed at making others comfortable (although raking the shag carpet never did much for me).

I miss hearing my mom read to me. She read to my sister and I long after we could read to ourselves--The Chronicles of Narnia, A Bear Called Paddington, Pippi Longstocking. I tell people now that when I look back, I realize that I was government-schooled AND I was homeschooled. My mom just couldn't stop being a teacher, or a learner, just because we weren't in a classroom.

Mom died just as I became a new mom. I am confident God knew what He was doing, but it has never made much sense to me. Just when I needed someone to tell me how to be a mom, she was gone. Even though I don't think about it much, I still feel like I need her today. I wonder if she would have been proud of what I've done, trying to stay home with my boys like she did with us, trying to take responsibility for raising them and teaching them and loving them. God has faithfully provided me lots of other "moms," some very wonderful and close, but just as one of them told me none have taken her place.

I know that heaven should comfort me, but right now, while I'm here and she's there and I can't see heaven's beauty or know the depth of connection and belonging there, I don't feel enough comfort. I realized that there she won't be my mom, though I think that perhaps that I will feel equally connected to everyone. Am I confusing you? Good, because I don't understand it. Suffice it to say, right now knowing that I will see her again doesn't completely comfort me. I just want my mom here and now, and I'll never have that again.

Ugghhh. I sound like I'm drowning in sadness, but actually I'm grateful. I loved my mom, and I know she loved me. She was my dearest and best friend. So much of what I beleive and love has been impacted by her that I miss not being able to share it with her. At the same time, as I write I realize how much grief I still have over her absence in my life.

I miss you, Mom. Happy Mother's Day.

I'm SO Not Ready for Teenage Girls!

2008-05-10T20:37:00.003-04:00

Today was a first . . . another first . . . and where I was eager for them when the boys were small, I'm not so thrilled with them now. Josh was asked over to a girl friend's house to "hang out." Now we've had playdates with girls before, but this was NOT a playdate. After quickly saying yes, I realized that I needed a little more info. Were her parents home? Or someone to supervise? What did they plan on doing? And so on. I had to have "a talk" with Josh about what was appropriate and what was not, because all the rules have changed now. And although he said he knew all of it, I still feel a bit uncomfortable with this whole realm of hormones and attractions, as well as with how planned out teen girls are compared to the fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants nature of boys. Mind you, this was not a "date" nor do I think that he and this girl are interested in each other except as friends, but still . . . the potential is now always there. And I've found myself going through moments of panic this afternoon wondering what I don't know yet. Ugh.

They called a few minutes ago, well . . . actually she called (of course) and want me to meet them at Starbuck's to hang out for a while. Guess they still have stuff to discuss. Hmmm . . . this IS kind of funny. And as I consider this . . . there is so much room for fun at my son's expense! I'm going for an hour. Cinnamon Buns!!! Leaving my little boys was so much easier--all I had to do was find a sitter! Now the sitters are the ones with my son, so I have to do the chaperoning!!! Isn't there something I can give Josh to prevent this disease just a little longer?

I really need to find a husband to help me with this.

Yes. More from Me.

2008-05-10T13:35:00.003-04:00

Just what I need! A new blog!

After considering the advice from a friend, I have started a new blog: for movie reviews . I will be posting my reviews here as I watch DVD's and movies, TV shows, and the like. Maybe I'll even have some "guest" reviewers (ages 13 and 10--not sure I should have the 8-year-old reviewing yet). My hope is to provide the common man's (or woman's) Chrisitian view on media. I really hate trying to find reviews that take a parent's opinion into account. They either are too picky (understandably, since they are providing everything for consideration) or too approving. So here's my humble take on what's out there.

More Play Stuff

2008-05-10T13:19:00.005-04:00

OK. More photos from the play.

I have received lots of compliments on Josh's performance. Quite a few of my friends who know him well have expressed surprise over his ability to deliver such a commanding presence. Not that I'm surprised--he commands a lot around here! (Sometimes when he should be asking instead!)

The interesting twist to his exposure to all of this is that he has asked to go the the Christian academy at our church next year. It would be the last year that he is able to go (they only have grades through Jr. High). We are seeking out the possibility, and praying about it. For now it doesn't look likely--the 8th grade class is full right now, and unless I get a lot of financial help I can't afford it--but I keep telling him that if that is where God wants him, nothing will stand in our way. Please keep us in your prayers as we explore that option. I'm content with either direction--Josh being in school would free things up here a bit so I could work more with the younger two, and would get us on more of a schedule. Him being home is great too since I kind of know in my head what direction I want to take for next year with him.

Sola deo gloria!

A Midsummer Night's Dream

2008-05-02T02:57:00.005-04:00

What I wish I was having.

Actually, it was the play Josh was in tonight. It was a version edited for Jr. High production, and was very cute. It was also a very difficult play, because it used much of the original Shakespeare. Josh played Oberon, king of the fairies. He was quite good, and really shined in this new venue he loves so much.

Oberon, the king of the fairies, looks for an opportunity to teach Titania, his queen a lesson.

Oberon overhears a conversation between the couple Lysander and Hermia, and Helena.

An attempt to help the mortals in love has gone horribly wrong, so Oberon straightens it all out.

Oberon sets things right with his queen too.

So Exhausted I Can't Sleep

2008-05-02T02:10:00.003-04:00

OK. I was in bed. Early for me! It's now 2 am, and I was sort of asleep. The boys were winding down from a whirlwind day watching a movie beside me, but I couldn't make it, and was dozing a half hour into it. But I just woke up feeling a bit queasy and achy. I'm having some anxiety issues again, and I think I've tracked it down to way too much coke and chocolate, fast food (even the at-home kind), and a lack of quiet time with God. I got up to have some saltines and move a bit (usually that helps), and now I'm not sleepy any longer, but I'm dead tired.

This week has been crazy! We're heading into that time of year anyway, but this week Josh is in a play, so we've had final rehearsals on top of our normal activities, cleaning, school, and everything else. The director had an unexpected curve-ball thrown at her today when the main mom helping her with details had a family emergency, so the school called me and asked if I could help. Being the no-inhibited woman I am, I said yes, and we headed out the door at 11 am, not to return until 11 pm. I discovered today that I'm getting too old for long days like this. I don't think we'll go anywhere next week (except maybe to bed).

I'm tired. And I can't sleep.

I'm a Family Manager!

2008-04-16T16:02:00.003-04:00

I'm reading this really great book called Desperate Households. It is a very different perspective on homemaking. Instead of offering a cookie-cutter method to foolproof cleaning, cooking and schduling, this book began by encouraging me to look at my own style. I have always struggled with domestic skills. I want to have an orderly house, to have meals on the table on time, to have chores done regularly, but I just have a hard time giving up my impulsiveness and remembering to DO those things. For years I've beaten myself up for not being disciplined enough, for not finding the system that works, for being myself instead of what I wanted to be. Finally, I'm free from guilt over all that!

Before beginning to make significant changes in the way I approach domestic skills, I have started looking at my style and my priorities. So today I answered these questions:

Why does our family exist?
To glorify God and to expand His kingdom to our children and descendants, and beyond our family into the world. (I really pondered whether I really believe this, or just know it's the "right" answer. I decided I do really believe it, even if living it out has been off track for a while now.)

What are we trying to accomplish?
We are trying to nurture our own relationships with God so that we can each personally glorify and enjoy Him. We are also preparing for and seeking ways to help others develop and enjoy relationships with Him. Accomplishing this includes education, life training, learning scripture, developing holy habits, guarding ourselves against ungodly influences, investing ourselves in each other and in others beyond our family, learning to serve, learning to think about the things that influence us biblically.

What do we stand for; what is the heart and soul of our family, the beliefs upon which we make decisions and take actions?
We believe that God is the sovereign Creator who deserves to be worshipped by everything. We believe that the family is a microcosm of the kingdom composed of God’s elect people, and that the family is the training ground to prepare us for living with the family of God’s people. We believe that the quality of life together is determined by the kind of relationships we have with each other—whether we can enjoy one another and live lives which show love for one another. We believe that God has a plan for us as a family and as individuals, and that He wants us to know and follow His plan for our benefit and His glory, so that we come to know and trust Him better, and reflect that trust in our relationships with each other.

What is our basic approach to achieving our purpose?
Being together and doing things together as much as possible. Where we do things individually or explore individual interests, we gather together again to share those things with each other. Also our family is not closed to others, but looks for ways to bring others in and love and include them as we love each other.

What is the overarching purpose I have as Family Manager?
Coordinating the interests, activities and habits of each family member so that being together is enjoyable and productive. Creating a peaceful environment that nurtures each member and enables them to thrive and grow. Pointing each member to God as the purpose and reason for everything we do.

What would I like my family to say about me when I’m gone? (Specific traits and descriptions)
Still working on this one.

What is really important to me? (List)
Relationships with other people
Remembering people
Making decisions and living life according to what God’s Word teaches
Laughter
Thinking about things, and not just accepting whatever someone says.
Figuring out and enjoying how the people I love tick.
Enjoying the ways God made us unique
Learning new things
Dreaming
Being free to do the unexpected/Spontaneity
Music
Stories
Making people feel loved
Liking your family
Maintaining peace

If I know I only had a year to live, how would I spend my time, and what would I change about the way I run my home and life?
I would get rid of a lot of stuff.
I would spend more time doing fun things with the boys that are memorable and productive.
I would spend a lot of time writing down the things I've learned.
I'd write more notes to the people I love.
I'd scrapbook like crazy.
I'd go out to lunch and for coffee more with friends.
I'd simplify the "work" part of life so I could do it as little as possible.
I'd quit feeling guilty about staying up late with the boys, even when we sleep a little later too.
I'd take time to enjoy each season with all it's changes.
I'd get rid of unnecessary expenses.
I'd smile and laugh a lot more and frown and fuss a lot less.
I'd start dreaming aloud about what heaven will be like.

The next thing I have to do is go from here to writing a mission statement. Oh boy. Like I have the brevity of words for that!

And Then There's Josh . . .

2008-03-25T01:35:00.004-04:00

OK, I've just gotta brag on my teenager today.

We are at the beginning of a crazy week. We are taking care of four young children all day for some friends. Today and tomorrow we also had our regular little girl (but only one of the four--the cranky teething baby!). I thought this week was Spring Break, so no cleaning, but I was wrong, so we still have our cleaning and most of our "usual" activities this week. Today was Scout day with back-to-back scout meetings. I honestly didn't know how I would even start cleaning before 8 pm.

But JOSH decided to stay at the church for his play rehearsal (even though he didn't have to be there today), and then to go ahead and start cleaning for us afterward until I could get up there to help. By the time we did get there, he had finished more than half the work. I had maybe an hour's worth to do, and the other boys had nothing. Who is this masked hero? Is this the guy whose secret identity is a couch potato? Hmmmm . . . must be something in the water. I gotta get me some of that water.

One More Book Down

2008-03-24T01:03:00.002-04:00

I'd better get to work or plan on reading like crazy this summer!

I did finish one more of the books on my list with AJ. We read The Velveteen Rabbit. I knew he'd really like this story. He has a stuffed rabbit that his grandad gave him. It has seen a lot of action over the years, and I occasionally have referenced it "becoming real." After we finished the book, which AJ really loved, he immediately found his rabbit and carried it around for days.

Anyway, I can knock another one off my list. Now to get to work on some of the longer books!

To My "Baby" Boy:

2008-03-24T00:17:00.005-04:00

Andrew,

You aren't a baby anymore. Still, sometimes I am so glad that you occasionally delight in things appropriate for your age. You still love Webkinz and Build-a-Bear. You are still content to play with the little superhero figures that look cute. And I realized tonight that Monopoly is your favorite game. Your jokes are still silly, and your conversation when your brothers aren't around is delightfully immature, and I'm relieved. It's just that you have no idea how much older than you your brothers really are, and you try so hard, so often to be like them. I don't want you to lose these years of being a little boy.

I can't believe all you are doing. Someone told me today how much they enjoyed hearing you talk about the work we are doing each day at the church. You were telling her how hard you have to work, and how fast. It always amazes me how when it's just you and me, you manage to get it done even more quickly, and to do Stephen's jobs too! Of course, it frustrates you that I don't give you as many choices in jobs as your brothers, but I suppose you really can't understand that you are just not as reliable in vacuuming and cleaning bathrooms yet. This year you have learned to add big numbers, read unusual words, ride your bike, take care of your dog, count your allowance and determine if you have enough for a purchase, and so much more! Your favorite place is outside in the back yard, or your bedroom listening to "Hank, the Cowdog" or "Junie B. Jones" stories. It tickles me that your favorite fictional characters: Junie B., Hank, Curious George, and Fudge, are all just like you!

I've worried about you this year. I especially worried about your reading. When you were evaluated last year, the teacher placed you a year behind in reading and suggested I hold you back. That seemed silly to me since we were homeschooling, so I started investigating what might be preventing you from learning better. You have been diagnosed with ADHD and the Physician's Assistant also detected some potential auditory processing problems. In spite of all that, you have progressed in reading, and although you are still slow, you are able to read real books now, as well as food labels, signs, magazine covers, and lots more things I don't really want you to read! You love to be read to, but I'm afraid I don't do it enough. I have tried to pick out some "classic" kids books that I think you would like--Charlotte's Web, Mr. Popper's Penguins, various classic picture books, and others, and you have enjoyed them all. Right now we are reading The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.

Your friendships still tend to be with your brothers' friends. I have tried to encourage you to play with other boys your own age, but you aren't that interested. Not that you don't enjoy time with boys your age, you just don't yearn for it or consider it often. I figure in time, God will bring into your life a special friend mostly your own.

One of my favorite things about you is your very tender heart. You love people--really love people. You easily see their needs and are quick to pray for them or devise a way to help them. One of the hardest things to teach you has been to wait and ask if you can help, because often your "help" doesn't take into consideration the potential complications it brings to the "helpee." Nevertheless, you have a real gift for ministry, and I love that you are so tender to people.

It is hard to believe you are eight today. You have grown so much. I was watching you sleep last night and thinking how long your legs are. When did they get like that? If Stephen doesn't go through a growth spurt soon, I'm afraid you will catch him in size! Oh, my sweet boy! It is such a privelege to be your mom and to teach you so much. I can't imagine life without you and am grateful for every long day of listening to you chatter on about your interests! I love you so much. I hope you had a wonderful birthday, and I can't wait to see what God is going to do with you this year.

Mom

Eight Years Ago . . . .

2008-03-22T22:21:00.004-04:00

Eight years ago today, I was about to head for the hospital. Andrew was a couple weeks early, but my water broke anyway. Even though there was no labor, the OB nurse wanted me to get checked out at the hospital. So we went. I was miserable all night. AJ hadn't even dropped all the way, so they wouldn't let me out of bed to prevent the cord from prolapsing. The fetal heart monitor would move every time I did, and a nurse would come in a harrass me to find the heartbeat again. Finally, very early in the morning, the doctor approved me getting up and walking. I hadn't been back in bed an hour when the nurse came in again to harrass me, only this time she couldn't find AJ's heartbeat. Quick decisions were made, and I ended up in the OR; AJ was delivered by emergency C-section. I don't even remember much from that day--except being very irratated that I couldn't see my baby all day (they had trouble getting his temperature up, and I was chained to the stupid bed). I joke that AJ almost killed me (I was bleeding internally and he wasn't getting enough blood).

A friend and I were just musing that our kids have all come into the world in ways consistent with their personalities. Josh was slow and late and took his time, but was very little trouble. Stephen was in a hurry, but came like clockwork. AJ came dangerously and caused a lot more trouble than the others. He has been very worth all the trouble he caused then, and all he's called since then. He brings so much adventure and fun into our lives.

Tomorrow he will be eight. What happened to my baby? Where did he go?

So Much More Than School

2008-03-22T22:06:00.004-04:00

I've been beating myself up over school a lot lately. This year our academic efforts aren't going that well. I feel like we're not getting done all I had expected . . . all I had wanted. Then occasionally, I realize how much more my kids are learning by being home with me.

Did I mention we are working now? We are cleaning classrooms at the academy our church runs. It's a tough five-day a week job, but it only takes a couple hours a day if we all pitch in. It was such a blessing to get the job, and it came at a time when I really needed the money. I was really fighting worry over how to pay the bills (still am, but not as much). The great thing is that I pay the boys to help me. I have a pay schedule where they get a certain amount for different jobs. It gives them the opportunity to work different jobs on different days, and to decide whether they really want to work hard to earn a little more or just to get by with minimal work. It also has put them on someone else's schedule, and we have to do this every day whether we feel like it or not. They also don't get paid if I go back and check their work and it's not done correctly, so they are doing a very thorough job. I realized that they won't be teenagers or young men who go to work and don't have a clue how to mop a floor or clean a bathroom, and resent being told what to do by a boss.

We are also still keeping kids a bit. One of my greatest delights is to see my teenager sitting in a corner at a Scout function or at church carrying on a real conversation with a preschooler, or a little kid. He never looks bored with the conversation. He also carries on conversations with grown-ups--more than the obligatory grunts and nods--of course, it's better if that grown up knows a little about Marvel superheroes (Right, Bill?). They are also learning to care for little ones. Often they make our little girl lunch, or help entertain her. Will they be better daddies because of doing this? I hope so.

The one thing I'm not doing so well at is focusing their hearts and minds on God's involvement in our day, and yet I wonder if I'm doing more than I realize. They have prayed with me for income, for the ability to continue homeschooling, for others we love, and they have seen answers.

Anyway, I'm just reminded again that they are learning, even from my failures. They aren't just schooling for the idol of career or success, they are schooling for real life. And I'm reminded that whatever I do wrong, God is soveriegn, and will teach them everything else they need to know. That is where my real hope is.

Josh-isms

2008-03-20T22:30:00.003-04:00

Yes, even teenagers can say funny things!

"Coroboration: making the truth fit your story. I know that big work 'cause I learned Logic."

He said it with a smile, so I knew there was some humor injected into his "definition."

What Happened to My Little Boy?

2008-02-10T00:04:00.000-05:00

What do you do when you realize your little boy is growing up to be a man? I'm not sure. In fact, I don't know if I'll ever figure it out.

June 2005

September 2005

November 2005

January 2006

June 2006

August 2006

December 2006

March 2007

September 2007

November 2007

This weekend, Josh went to the Junior High Mid-Winter Retreat with our church. It was a strange feeling dropping him off. I had done nothing. He packed all of his own things. He made sure I filled out the forms in time. He made sure all of the payments and spending money were taken care of. He did it all. When did it happen? When did my boy grow up?

Blessings: God's Answer for a Difficult Life

2008-01-25T03:00:00.000-05:00

Psalm 127
A song of ascents. Of Solomon.

Unless the LORD builds the house,

its builders labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city,

the watchmen stand guard in vain.

In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat--

for he grants sleep to those he loves.

Sons are a heritage from the LORD,

children a reward from him.

Like arrows in the hands of a warrior

are sons born in one's youth.

Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.

They will not be put to shame

when they contend with their enemies in the gate.
Psalms 127:1-5 (NIV)

I was just sharing with a friend how this Psalm hit me in a moment of anxiety and stress. I was struck by the progression in it, particularly from the vanity of frantic working, toiling, and going without sleep in an attempt to handle the difficulty of life. Then came the answer—God’s answer: children. Although a number of my friends had urged me to use my little blessings more extensively, it wasn’t until I saw it in this Psalm that I resolved to really hold the boys up to higher expectations of helping around the house (and around life!).

Tonight I went through some commentaries to see if any of the wise men I respect noticed the same thing. I found some interesting and even humorous things in Adam Clarke’s 19th century commentary.

This Psalm may be entitled, "The Soliloquy of the happy Householder: - The
poor man with a large loving family, and in annual expectation of an increase,
because his wife, under the Divine blessing, is fruitful." All are blessed of
the Lord, and his hand is invariably upon them for good.
—Adam Clarke's Commentary

This is his summary. Read on for some of the particulars that I liked.

Lo, children are a heritage of the Lord - That is, To many God gives children in
place of temporal good. To many others he gives houses, lands, and thousands of
gold and silver, and with them the womb that beareth not; and these are their
inheritance. The poor man has from God a number of children, without lands or
money; these are his inheritance; and God shows himself their father, feeding
and supporting them by a chain of miraculous providences. Where is the poor man
who would give up his six children, with the prospect of having more, for the
thousands or millions of him who is the center of his own existence, and has
neither root nor branch but his forlorn solitary self upon the face of the
earth? Let the fruitful family, however poor, lay this to heart; "Children are a
heritage of the Lord; and the fruit of the womb is his reward." And he who gave
them will feed them; for it is a fact, and the maxim formed on it has never
failed, "Wherever God sends mouths, he sends meat." "Murmur not," said an Arab
to his friend, "because thy family is large; know that it is for their sakes
that God feeds thee." —Adam Clarke's Commentary

Kind of cute since my best friend happens to have six children. What a rich couple she and her husband are!!! I also love that he seems to agree with my crazy idea that God will feed my boys and I through “a chain of miraculous providences.” Some of those providences might include different types of work, some might include the generosity and love of others, and who knows? Sometimes it might be manna from heaven or flour and oil that never seems to run out!

Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them - This is generally supposed
to mean his house full of children, as his quiver if full of arrows; but I
submit whether it be not more congenial to the metaphors in the text to consider
it as applying to the wife: "Happy is the man who has a breeding or fruitful
wife;" this is the gravida sagittis pharetra "the quiver pregnant with arrows."
But it may be thought the metaphor is not natural. I think otherwise: and I know
it to be in the Jewish style, and the style of the times of the captivity, when
this Psalm was written—Adam Clarke's Commentary

I LOVE it!!! I know a breeding, fruitful wife, and even though she’s a bit fruity at times, her husband IS a blessed man!

With the enemies in the gate. - "When he shall contend with his adversaries in
the gate of the house of judgment." - Targum. The reference is either to courts
of justice, which were held at the gates of cities, or to robbers who endeavor
to force their way into a house to spoil the inhabitants of their goods. In the
first case a man falsely accused, who has a numerous family, has as many
witnesses in his behalf as he has children. And in the second case he is not
afraid of marauders, because his house is well defended by his active and
vigorous sons. It is, I believe, to this last that the psalmist refers.

Heh, heh, heh. Don’t I know all about this! People comment that I don’t have to fear a burglar because of the German Shepherd guarding our house. Forget the dog! Look out for my little "virgorous and active sons!" They spend HOURS a day practicing the use of their weapons, and would LOVE to practice on living human subjects of the bad-guy kind!

Anyway, these are just thoughts from me. I do love this Psalm. It’s interesting how in our culture we’ve inverted the role of children to being our burden instead of relieving our burden.

Book Review-The Tiger Rising

2008-01-24T00:58:00.002-05:00

The Tiger Rising has much of the same flavor as Bridge Over Terebithia. Both focus on children wrestling in contrasting ways with the limitations of their power over their circumstances, and with the decisions of the adults in their lives. Both are stories of redemption. And both stories are expertly crafted to keep the reader's interest, and to explore deeper concepts without compromising a good story.

Ever since the death of his mother, loner Rob Horton is a boy with a lot bottled up inside him. The concurrent discovery of a caged tiger and the aquisition of a new friend begin his journey into the pain of loss and bittersweet memories. His new friend, Sistine Bailey also carries a lot of emotional weight after the divorce of her parents, resulting in separation from her dad. Instead of bottling it up, Sistine is angry at everything, fighting the world. As the two wrestle with the choice of freeing the tiger, they also wrestle with the decisions of freeing their emotions so they can reconcile them. Both of these decisions will lead either to healing or to sealing their emotions inside forever.

I love books with great symbolism--I love to peel back the layers and look for more than the obvious story--and although The Tiger Rising is a quick read, it is rich in depth. True to her other novels, Kate DiCamillo writes vividly, a real treat for me since I live in the region she describes so well. The only objections some might have is the occurence of two uses of the Lord's name in vain. Other than that, there is no mention of faith in this book positively or negatively. I have an idea of writing a literature study to go with this book for children. This novel is appropriate for older elementary students through junior high. It is a great book to use to teach kids about the appropriate dealing with emotions.

Such Tender Memories . . .

2008-01-23T14:42:00.002-05:00

OK, book number two read. AJ and I read How Fletcher Was Hatched together today. It's just a simple, old-fashioned story about a dog who feels neglected by his mistress. His friends, an otter and a beaver decide to help him compete with the cute little chicks stealing his attention by building an egg around him. It's nothing flashy, no aspirations of political correctness, just a sweet kids story that I must have read a million times when I was a kid. (Every illustration was etched on my memory as if I had read the book yesterday--it was fun walking through familiar territory!)

So we read the book . . . and I said with a sigh, "I loved this book when I was a kid!"

AJ responded: "Sure mom. Whatever. I'll be outside."

Ah, what treasured memories. (Can you feel the cynicism?) At least I can count another book on my 888 List.

One Down, Fifty-nine to Go!

2008-01-23T11:12:00.001-05:00

Today I finished The Tiger Rising, by Kate DiCamillo. I'll post a review on it later and link it to my 888 list. It was a great book, and an easy read--a great starting place for my challenge. I'm also planning on reading one to AJ today, so by the end of the day, hopefully I'll be down two!!!

I'll probably do great until I start hitting books I haven't started yet. Therein the challenge really lies!

My 888 List

2008-01-20T02:24:00.011-05:00

OK. I've stayed up way too late to do this, but I have my list. Note that it is subject to change on a whim, as I find NEW books to add to it.

8 Books I’d Like to Finish

A Chance to Die (Elliot)
Smart Organizing DONE!
A House for My Name
Peacemaking for Families
Homeschooling the Challenging Child DONE!
Age of Opportunity
Women in the Material World
The Tiger Rising (DiCamillo) DONE!

8 Books by Some of My Favorite Authors

Number the Stars (Lowry)
The Silent Boy (Lowry)
Redeeming Love (Rivers)
The Shofar Blew (Rivers)
Disciplines of the Beautiful Woman (Ortland)
Surprised by Joy (Lewis)
Calico Captive (Speare)
The Tiger Rising (DiCamillo) DONE!

8 Christian Classics (or Destined to Be Classics)

Christian’s Secret to a Happy Life (Whitall Smith)
The Practice of Godliness (Bridges)
The Everlasting (Chesterton)
Orthodoxy (Chesterton)
Let the Nations Be Glad (Piper)
Till We Have Faces (Lewis)
Experiencing God (Blackaby)
Absolute Surrender (Murray)

8 Fiction Books

The Shofar Blew
Fahrenheit 451
Island of the Blue Dolphin
Calico Captive
Across Five Aprils
The Hedge of Thorns
Carry On, Captain Bowditch! DONE!
Sarah, Plain and Tall

8 Books to Make Me a Better Teacher

I Wanna Take Me a Picture
Future Men (Wilson)
Teach Them Dilligently: How to Use Scriptures in Child Training
Minds of Boys
Piecing Together the Highschool Puzzle (Mastrioncola) DONE!
Shaping the Man Inside Teenage Boys (Beausay)
You Can Teach Your Child Successfully (Beechick)
When the Brain Can’t Hear DONE!

8 Books to Read with My Boys

Duncan’s War (Bond)
Tuck Everlasting DONE!
Boy (Dahl) DONE!
The Three Musketeers
The Giant Killer
Who Put the Skunk in the Trunk?: Learning to Laugh When Life Stinks
The Best Christmas Pageant Ever DONE!
Boyhood and Beyond

8 Books I Loved That I Want to Read to My Youngest Son

How Fletcher Was Hatched DONE!
The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
Prince Caspian
Voyage of the Dawn Treader
Blueberries for Sal DONE!
Little House in the Big Woods
The Velveteen Rabbit DONE!
Amelia Bedelia DONE!

8 Working on Me (a little)

The Heart of Anger
The Universe Next Door
The Power of Words
Desperate Households
How to Win Over Depression
Respectable Sins: Confronting the Sins We Tolerate
Idols of the Heart, Learning to Long for God Alone
Smart Organizing DONE!

Taking the 888 Challenge

2008-01-19T23:37:00.001-05:00

OK, I feel totally overwhelmed in accepting this challenge . . . sort of like I'm dooming myself to failure already . . . .

. . . but I already know I need to read more and watch movies/play computer less . . .

. . . and I would really feel a sense of accomplishing something if I did this . . .

. . . and so I'm just going to do it.

To see what I'm getting myslef into, go to the challenge.

I am going to probably overlap some, and I am going to restrict myself to books I check out or pull off my shelves, instead of rushing to Amazon to buy more books! I haven't got my catagories or lists yet, so check back on this post and I'll add it later.

Now I'm off to scour my shelves for books I want to read!

Good Auto Insurance? Definitely Worth Every Cent of Premium

2008-01-18T12:53:00.000-05:00

No, I didn't have an accident. Did I mention the time my car engine got set on fire? No? Well, we had roadside trouble, had "help," and one of my "helpers" set my engine on fire (briefly). Fortunately he put it out quickly, and as far as we could tell, not damage was done. My insurance policy came in kinda handy then, providing towing to the nearby mechanic's shop. Oh yeah, and there was that time that my Suburban coasted to a stop just inside of our church's parking lot, and I had to call to have it towed (again) to the mechanic's.

Today I used it again. Not towing though. One of the boys locked the keys in the car last night. We got up this morning to go to co-op. Good news! The back hatch that wouldn't lock for months, well, it locks now. So we couldn't even go in the back to rescue the keys. I'm learning that when life's minor crises hit, I do well to take some time to consider my options before reacting. A dear friend picked us up and got us to and from co-op (and an appointment I had . . . more on that on my other blog), and in that time I remembered, oh yeah!, I have insurance! So when we got home I called and guess what! They cover lock-outs. So right now I'm sitting here waiting for the towing company to come unlock my car, and I'm thankful for the ridiculous amount of money I pay each month "just in case."

Music in Our House

2008-01-06T00:46:00.001-05:00

Music in our house is an adventure.

I have very eclectic tastes. I was influenced by the 60's (my parent's music), the late 70's and 80's pop music, traditional and contemporary Christian music, instrumental music (from band--both jazz and classical), and because I'm a word person, I love anything with great lyrics. My latest favorites are Casting Crown's The Altar and the Door, Mercy Me's new album, Norah Jones, Harry Conick, Jr., and Michael Card. I can also dance to the boys music--most of it, anyway.

Josh, being a teenage now, has been fun to watch as he develops his own musical taste. He loves all the Disney pushed musicians--Miley Cyrus, the Jonas Brothers, and lately Aly and AJ. He also loves TobyMac, Relient K, and anything else with a serious beat. His tastes are a little young among those of his peers, something for which I am quite proud and am encouraging him in, since he has LOTS of time to discover more mature music, and I'm not in a hurry to see him struggle with the compromise.

Stephen loves much of the same thing Josh likes. It's kind of weird hearing him singing Relient K with all of their angst-filled lyrics, but I'm OK with some of it. His music tastes tend to be a little broader--he really liked my Harry Conick, Jr. Christmas CD. Like Josh, he likes an uptempo beat.

AJ tries hard to follow in his brothers' footsteps, but he is a little more challenged because he doesn't have the fancy MP3 player to listen to, and his brothers are usually a little unwilling to share with him their CD's. Sometimes the little boy in him still rules, and I have to listen to endless repetitions of the Veggie Tales sing Michael W. Smith, or Goofy sings dance tunes, but that's OK. I know his interest in these simple things will vanish soon enough, and this poor kid is already growing up much faster than his brothers did--so of course, I encourage more "little kid" music.

So you see, you could come to our house and hear about anything. You might even catch me on a reminicent day when I've pulled out the old record player to listen to The Mama's and the Papa's, Shaun Cassidy, the Partridge Family, or old, old Amy Grant. Wouldn't that be a treat?

The Blogging Black Hole

2008-01-06T00:42:00.000-05:00

As I review what I've done with my year I realize how little blogging I've done this year. Not to fear! I'm planning on making that my first New Year's resolution! Back to blogging!

So for those of you who obviously have no life of your own ('cause you couldn't possibly if you're spending time reading about us!), I'll be offering more anecdotes and oddities of living with three boys!

Are you on the edge of your seat yet?

I Have a Friend! And He's funny!

2007-12-25T00:08:00.001-05:00

I have my first virtual friend on Flickr. Kinda cool. I'm assuming of course that he likes my photos . . . I've pretty much confirmed he's not some weirdo stalker. OK, please don't ask me to explain how, I just know these things.

Anyway, he evidently has a funny sense of humor. Check out his collection of funny signs . Stephen and I laughed so hard we woke Josh up.

Gracie the Grinch

2007-12-24T10:32:00.000-05:00

Can you see me?

Here I am!!! Don't come too close! I'm waiting for you.

Move over Grinch! Our silly cat is determined to ruin Christmas. When we set up our Christmas tree, she claimed it. She climbed up in it until we broke that habit with a spray bottle! Still she's determined. In the last few days she has:

knocked a small tree in our entryway off the shelf . . . multiple times!
removing ornaments from the tree to play with
"helping" wrap presents by laying down in the open end of the paper while I work on the other end.
slashed into presents with her present-opening-claws
taken again to climbing up the inside of the tree . . . all the way . . . to the top! Then she plays with the ornaments!
ripping down the garland hanging in the stairwell

On top of that, we're dog-sitting, so we have THREE dogs right now, and I'm constantly heading off dogfights.

All we need is the toddler. Uh . . . no thanks.

2007-12-21T04:28:00.001-05:00

When you're done with the job, don't forget to hide the shovels!

Yesterday I had an eighteen-inch deep hole in my yard. Today I have a two and a half foot hole, and I almost had a five-foot trench!

The two younger boys spent most of the day digging in the back yard. They had planned a moat, until I stopped them and asked that they not tear up all my grass digging! So now we just have a really deep hole and a lot of dirt! Maybe some day they really will reach China!

An Obituary

2007-12-21T04:20:00.000-05:00

We are sad to report that our beloved guinea pig, Nibs, died yesterday. I actually began to suspect a week ago that something was wrong--he was just acting a little off--but then we changed the cage litter and he seemed OK. Josh found him yesterday morning when he went to feed the little guy. Everybody was upset about it. I tried to think of a way out of being the one to bury the piggy, but finally I realized it was just one of those things a mom has to do. The younger boys dug a two-foot hole, we had a grave-side service, and put the box with the piggy in the hole and buried him. So far, no dogs have tried to dig him up. There's a little cross that Andrew made out by the grave.

Nibs leaves behind most of a bale of litter (just bought the stinkin' stuff!), a pound of food, a brand new bowl, a really cool little guinea pig house, a well-used cage, and a kitty who had just discovered his "company." Oh yeah, and three boys who did really love him, even if they had kind of forgotten it lately.

Once Again Tasting the Goodness of God

2007-12-14T20:20:00.000-05:00

Taste and see that the LORD is good. Oh, the joys of those who trust in him!
Psalms 34:8 (NLT)

I'm not sure why I still struggle so with doubts about God's goodness and willingness to take care of me. More than five years ago I really laid it on the line with Him and told Him if He wanted me to homeschool He would have to provide for me to do it. In that time, we have experienced times when things seemed very tight, and times when we have had abundance. Now we are facing a time when things are very tight financially, and I have found myself having to work hard not to worry and be afraid. It has been so tempting to "do what makes sense" and to begin applying for jobs.

It is a good place to be, this place of doubt. It forces me to my knees in prayer more, a discipline I am not to faithful at practicing when I have enough. It forces me to recognize that I can't really do anything without God. But it is still a scary place . . . and I'm not sure why. I began really praying last month that God would show me what to do. Do I look for work? Do I give up homeschooling? Again and again He seemed to say so clearly from His Word, "Wait on Me. Let Me provide. Do the word I've already given you to do." But as the bills come in the mail and I see all the things around the house that need fixing or replacement, as the boys need more and more dental work, and as the teen years begin to make demands on the bank account . . . surely waiting is not what He is really saying. Is it?

Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.
Mal 3:10 (NIV)

Again I hear God say,"Give! Then trust me." What do I have to give? This month I have been allowed to give childcare to a friend who was sick, a gift to a needy child (Stephen and I did this together), work to a friend who had a short-term need in her business, a listening ear here, counsel there . . . and so much more. Maybe I don't have an abundance of money or stuff to give from (although in studying geography with the boys, we have a lot of that too), but I am determined that whatever God asks of me, I will give it.

Admittedly some of my worry and anxiety has been caused by my own foolish sin. I have spent a little foolishly this month, but some of my expenses have also been sacrifices for others. So like the widow that Elijah bid help from, I give of what I have left, trusting that the God who provided an unending supply of flour and oil for her can provide for me also, maybe even in ways I don't expect . . . so that I'll be reminded that He is behind it, not me.

I am working a wedding for a friend this weekend. I gave her a great deal for the job. She's a very dear friend and I would have done it for free. Tonight she told me that she is paying me even more than I asked. And once again, on the way home from her rehearsal, I found myself asking God, "Why do I doubt You?"

He will feed his flock like a shepherd. He will carry the lambs in his arms,
holding them close to his heart. He will gently lead the mother sheep with their young.
Isaiah 40:11 (NLT)

This is the kind of God I worship and serve. He has not changed in all of eternity, and although I don't deserve His compassion, I know that I will get it anyway. Isn't it exciting to think of the story I will have to tell about Him in the coming months and years?